Mr. Garrity Goes To Charlottetown

or... For Getting Rid Of Bootleggers, Mr. Garrity gets... The Boot

There hasn't been much that the City of Charlottetown has done lately that's impressed me or given me hope or confidence in that government or its ability to decide what's in the best interest of this city.
Kudos, however, must go out to councillor Bruce Garrity and those involved in the effort to get rid of bootlegging.  It's yet to be seen if their efforts will be a long term success, but it's certainly had a positive effect in the short term.
It must have been quite daunting a task to go after an illegal activity that has become an institution here on the Island, and I can well imagine the difficulties associated with following through with this plan.  I would assume the mayor would be thankful to the people who have succeeded in eradicating bootlegging.  Apparently, though, the mayor expresses his thanks by removing Mr. Garrity from his position and placing him in what appears to be in a portfolio whose metaphorical office is quite likely in the basement of City Hall, next to the furnace, beside the janitorial room.

So, before your efforts become the forgotten positive in a council that has so few positives, I'd like to say thank you, Mr. Garrity, for your dillignece and hard work.

But What Of The SuperModels?

I happened to catch, a couple of nights ago, a minute or two of ABC's special report {dramatic music} "Tsunami: Wave of Destruction" {/dramatic music} and am so fortunate that I happened upon it.  Why?  Because of their in-depth coverage of the fate of that Sports Illustrated supermodel who broke some bones in her struggle to survive the disaster.  I am so relieved she is going to be okay.  I'm equally saddened, though, that her photographer boyfriend seems to have perished.  I hope her face is okay.  And her figure.  Let's not be too sad for her, though.  I'm sure she'll find another photographer/boyfriend.
Thank you, ABC, for this report.  I look forward to the million or so other reports on the millions of people who have likewise been affected by this devastation.

Take Your Carrefour A Longer Drive

It's now a bit of a puzzle to get to the road on which the Carrefour school is situated.  One must now either enter the Escher puzzle that is the Hillsborough development, or turn onto the QEH road and travel it around the shoreline past the hospital, the seniors home and the mental hospital. 
It is much more inconvenient (than turning onto the road [Pioneer Drive] which no longer offers access to the bypass), initially, but may turn out to be fine once we get used to it.  Last night was my first foray onto that road.  We took the west-bound-only off-ramp from the arterial highway (the only remaining access to or from that road at that intersection), onto Pioneer Drive, and as we were off-ramping, we were met by a car illegally travelling the wrong way up that access.  I expect that will become a handy illegal shortcut to the arterial highway unless the police make a concerted effort to stop it.

I wonder if what they've ended up with is the best solution.  It doesn't make a lot of sense to me to increase the volume of traffic flow in and around the hospitals, but that's the result.  Anything that increases the perception that the Carrefour theatre is more difficult to get to is not a good thing for those of us in the theatre community who are sometimes faced with the quandry of whether the Carrefour can ever be a viable theatre alternative.

...The Police, Who Investigate Crimes...

Jerry Orbach has died.

Rest in peace, Lennie.

iLove My iPod

I feel ridiculous and petty and self-absorbed posting on such a frivolous topic as this, in the wake light of the incredible and horrific tsunami disaster, but...

I must add my name to the list of people who love their iPod.  But it wasn't love at first use.  I quickly discovered that it's not so easy to keep your 20G iPod updated when you have 21+ gigs of music on your computer.   You can't just let it automatically synch with the song files on your computer (well, you can but it's too random in the selection of songs it picks and chooses to upload).  So, I spent the first while manually synching; going through my collection, picking and choosing 18gigs of files to upload.  At first, that worked okay, but I realised it'd be too much work to have to keep manually uploading new songs/removing old songs.  There must be a better way.
And I found it.  Now I've instructed iTunes and iPod to automatically synch only the playlists/smartlists I have checked off.  Here's what I've done:

I created a smartlist called "My Favourite 6G's".  This is a playlist that contains 6gigs of songs that have either a 4 or 5 star rating.  I've selected this playlist to be synched between the computer and iPod.  This way, I always have loads of my favourite songs ready to roll.

I also created a smarlist called "Least Played 2G's" to synch as well.  This is a list of songs that, as the title suggests, are the least played songs in my collection.  This way, it ensures that songs I haven't heard in a long time will also be rolling through my shuffle.  Then, when these least played songs get played, they automatically are removed from that smartlist at the next synching and are replaced by other 'least played' songs.

I also have a smartllist called "Last 150 Songs Added".  As it suggests, this list keeps track of those songs I've recently imported to iTunes.  This way, I have access to all the latest songs I've added.
I have a few other usual lists too, specific to genre, mood, etc., and these get synched as well.

Basically, it means that I have loads of great songs, a bunch of songs I haven't heard recently, and the latest additions, all ready to go on my iPod everytime I synch it with iTunes.  My iPod is now just a little over half-full (about 10gigs), with just under half of my total music library.
Had I known about this feature, I probably would have given serious consideration to getting a 4G iPod mini, rather than a 20G version.  It would be no problem to tweak those playlists to smaller sizes, say 2 gigs of Favourites,  1 gig of least played, the last 50 songs added, etc....

If you're thinking of getting an iPod (Matt), you might want to think of this approach, and save yourself some money by getting a mini.

Happy Holidays

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Mmm, That's Some Good Pi

It's Musical Pi

Well, now I finally know how Gus comes up with all those jingles.

I kid!

A Slinky, A Slinky...

Merry Christmas Everybody!!  Smiles!!!!

I believe it was 1971.  Maybe '72.  December 25.  Christmas Day at the MacDonald Home.  What's the reason for the happy faces?
Well, a certain yellow-pajama'd someone was fortunate enough to receive an original, metal Slinky for Christmas (not to mention the Spirograph in the bottom left corner of the photo), and that same certain someone absolutley refused to let any of his 4 brothers even touch it.
Truth be told, they were all a bit too old for such a childish toy as a Slinky.  Don't you think?  Wasn't that little yellow-pajama'd boy perfectly within his rights to hissy-fit at the very notion of someone else playing with his Slinky?  And aren't those other 4 men a bit to old to be sulky and petulant?
From left to right:  Boots, Rob, Dids, Fritz and Earle.
I think Earle's sour look to me is the only clue that indicates I might be the cause of the morosity and grief.  Otherwise, this could easily be the photo taken just after we all found out our grandmother died.

Sex Offender Registry

From the CBC

I didn't know whether to go with:

A national sex offender registry is now in effect.  So make sure you have your firearms and sex offenders registered.

or

The sex offender registry is now up and running.  I'm registered at Afternoon Delight, for those thinking of gifting.

In the end, I decided to go with neither.

WotD: Recherche

I hope I never become one of those recherche people who use 'recherche' in a sentence.

or

Still-stunned quarterback, to his linemen:  Wha' did zhat recherche as he hit me in zhe head an' knocked shree of my teesh out?

Elimination Dance

How far would you last before being eliminated, in Michael Ondaatje's Elimination Dance (link to text)?

Me?  I'd have to get a judge's ruling on the second item: "Those who have resisted depravity."  If I got past that, I'd definitely be gone by the 7th item down:  "All actors and poets who spit into the first row when they perform."

Here's a Zed link to Bruce MacDonald's short film based on the poem.

Up On The Rooftop, Drip Drip Drip

'Twas two weeks before Christmas and all through the house
Cam sleeping, K reading, Rob clicking the mouse;
When up on the rooftop, a growing consternation,
Water was landing, Boomer calls it "precipitaiton".

"Oh no" yelled my wife. I asked "What's the matter?"
"Water!" says she.  "It's dripping, pitter patter."
I sprung from the 'puter to inspect where it dripped
And with each falling drop, panic more tightly gripped.

I ran up the stairs to the second-floor crawl space
But it was 11 o'clock and darkness covered the place.
"Where is the flashlight!?" I yelled to my dear.
"Cameron was using it.  It could be anywhere!"

I entered his room and stepped on some Lego,
Then muttered some swear words that will make me to Hell go
I turned on his light, the room illuminated
But no flashlight was there, a fact that I hated.

I ran down the stairs, to the basement so quick
And brought back a work light to elucidate the attic.
Into the space, past clothes and boxes I fighted
Until to the drip-source I finally had lighted.

Ah to hell with it.  Long story short:  We have a leak in our roof, I think from where a couple of shingles blew off.  It drips down a water-soaked rafter, onto some water-soaked support beams and right down into the middle of our livingroom.  It's difficult to catch, because in the crawl space, it doesn't drip anywhere, it just travels down the rafter.  It'll be repaired in a day or two.  Hopefully before any significant rainfall occurs.

WotD: Dulcet

I've always regretted not being able to sing harmony.  I believe my problem is that I overthink it.  I can usually hear what the harmony should/could be, but somewhere between brain and mouth,  it becomes its own beast.  Too bad, since I have a passably dulcet voice.

or

I have a nice pair of bronze candlesticks which I keep polished.  My neighbour has the same sticks but doesn't bother to polish.  My two candlesticks are bright and shiny.  My neighbour has a dulcet.

ExSportiment Awards in the Year 2010

And Major League Baseball's Most Valuable Player is...Magilla Gorilla.
Finally, it's time for our highest award...and the winner of Most Difficult-to-Trace Performance Enhancing Cocktail is... Dr. Benjamin Clamperman.

I am told, by reporters and athletes, that fans don't mind, don't care, that athletes are taking performance enhancing drugs. They (we) just want to see more home runs, faster runners, higher jumpers.  I would be surprised if this is true.  I would hope that fans see this as I see it.  I can only speak for myself, but as a fan, I am absolutley against the practice of enhancing one's performance through means other than hard work and perseverance.
To me, records become meaningless.  Breaking them become valueless.  I find it increasingly more difficult to allow myself to cheer on athletes, for fear of finding out they cheat.  I was so euphoric when Ben Johnson won Gold, so disappointed when I was told he cheated.  My enthusiasm for Donovan Bailey's performances was greatly tempered because I didn't want to be let down again.  I am saddened by that.
Now, when Barry Bonds breaks records, I think "Meh."  So what.

Sports are becoming less about personal achievement and more about experiment.

Let's stop saying these people play sports.  Let's change it to "exsportiments".

WotD: Aborning

My question is this:  When were the three wise men told about Christ's birth?  Was is that night, during the aborning?  If so, then how far did they have to travel to get to the stable?  Were they already in the vicinity?  Were the gifts they gave carefully selected, or just a selection from what they had with them?  How long did Joseph, Mary and baby stay at the stable?  How anticlimatic were her subsequent birthings?

or

Eben doe I hab a cold, I know dat aborning cup of coffee will be satisfying.

Time Now For - What's Been Goin' On?

Here's ten quick updates on nothing in particular, in no particular order:
1) Went to A&W with DaveS yesterday for lunch.  I had two Papa Burgers with cheese and a Root Beer.  Yum, yum and yum.  Was served by an inept trainee who, I'm guessing, has, by now, quit.
2) Watched King Arthur with my son a couple of nights ago.  I didn't like it, he did.  Truthfully, I ended up not watching much of it, what with the occasional walking out of the room to do other stuff, and the falling to sleep while in the room, but what I did see I didn't like.  Too much dramatic nothing in between action scenes of whatever-ness.
3) There were quite a few pretty women uptown today at lunch.  Not all together in a group.  Pretty in a Desperate Housewives kind of way.  I don't watch that show.  None of the pretty women seemed to acknowledge my existence.  In their circles, that, I suppose, is a given.
4) I bought myself an iPod.
5) Currently my favourite quick and easy home-cooked-ish meal is Chicken Tikka Masala.   Go to Superstore.  Get a pound of boneless, skinless chicken breasts.  Get a can of (I forget the brand-name, but it's not the PC bottle of, it's a can of [in the imported foods section]) Chicken Tikka Masala paste.  Rice, too.  Cut chicken into strips, briefly cook, add paste and a bit of water, let simmer.  Cook rice.  Add the one to the other.  Eat.  Yum.  Have bread too.
6) I just walked down the hall at the office like I was on a fashion show runway.  My posture was fantastic.  Make a mental note to walk like a model more often.
7) Last Christmas, we ditched the "get a real tree' tradition and purchased a nice artificial tree with lights already attached.  All the lights, the mini-lights, are white.  This year I replaced one of the white lights with a red one.  Now our tree glows all white, except that one special red light.  I REALLY like that, and I'm not sure why.
8) The back right wheel on our car has a sloooow leak.  Nuisance that it is causes me to refill it with air every 2-3 days.  Does it get fixed, or does it get replaced?  That's the question I'm putting off.  Stay tuned.
9) Apart from the reality show idea "Pogey" that I posted below, I also have one that is much more un-pee-see.  I'm calling it "Tremploited".  An amalgam of "Tremploy" (the local company that does/did hire mentally handicapped people as workers) and "exploited".  Not sure of the format, but I think it's time for a show where consenting mentally handicapped people compete against each other in non-athletic competitions, with one getting eliminated each week.  It would all be done, you know, tastefully.  I won't mention the other idea I had for a sex competition, which I call "Special O-Limp-Dicks". 
10) My football picking on this site is atrocious, and as a way to maintain dignity I stopped posting my predictions a long time ago.  I still predict, though.  I go to The Weekly NFL Picks Page and pick each week.  I am currently at 96-80, or 54.5% correct.  And that's with picking games against the spread, not straight-up.  I'm currently third in my pool and 1247th out of a total of 5065 players.  So, you know, above average.

Pogey!!

First of all, is it "pogey" or "pogie"?  And shouldn't it be "poagey".  How does one ensure the hard-g in its pronunciation?

Last summer, one of our Sketch 22 videos was called Joe Stamps, a take-off of the "reality" show Joe Millionaire.  The video documented the moment in the fake Joe Stamps reality show where the Joe Stamps character tells the three remaining "Tammy"s that he's not actually the catch they think he was.  That he's not, as promised, about to receive maximum Employment Insurance benefits, and therefore, the "winning Tammy" will not be able to live the life of lazy luxury for 9 months as Joe Stamps welfare woman.  Joe Stamps gleefully tells the women that he's not getting his stamps.  He "don't even got no prospects.  So any of yuz that ends up shackin' up with me will be doin' it outta love.  Or whatever."

Well, I think a show like this has real potential.  So, here's my idea for a reality show I call "Pogey!".
The goal is to be the last remaining contestant, to be the one who accumulates 12 weeks of Insurable Wages and will therefore be the only one who qualifies for EI.
The show selects 12 people who have no job, and who currently have no accumulation of Employable Hours or Weeks (or however it's designated now).  These people are Hired To Do Nothing.  They are all paid top dollar to do nothing (to ensure top EI dollars to the winner), and will all live together, in a duplex.  They will be required to perform tasks and challenges as part of their "job", but the majority of their time will be spent doing nothing much.
The tasks and challenges will all relate in some way to the stereotype of the lazy welfare bum.  Even though these contestants will be "working", their job is basically to live as though they are poor and unemployed.  It's really the dream job of dream jobs.
Each week, one contestant gets laid off.  The longer you stay, the more insurable weeks you accumulate.

At the end of the 13 week job, the top two contestants battle to  see who is the ultimate winner... In fact, the ultimate winner does not get laid off, but rather remains hired by the production company and continues for the next three years, to get paid the same wage for doing nothing.  The runner-up gets laid off with the necessary accumulation to begin EI right away.
The show would "hire" all kinds of people from all walks of life.  They all would, however, perform challenges and tasks that might be more suited to, shall we say, the lower class of people.

Some challenges, off the top of my head:
In the first few episode, they'd be divided into two teams.  One challenge would be a relay race of sorts:  The team must bum enough money to afford the money for the following tasks:  Player 1 must go to Kens Corner and buy a tin of tobacco and rolling papers.  Run back to the apartment and roll 20 smokes.  Once completed, Player Two calls a cab which takes him/her to the Liquor Store across town to buy a two-four.  S/he must then take the box back to the apartment without the assistance of a vehicle.  Once completed, Player Three begins to cook up four boxes of Basics Macaroni & Cheese and, once cooked, must eat it all.  Following that, the entire team must then drink the beer as quickly as possible.
First team to finish all 24 beer is declared the winner.  The losing team must decide which co-worker gets laid off.

Another challenge, this one as individuals:  As an example of what will be expected of the person on who eventually wins EI, each contestant is told they will be interviewed by an Employment Insurance Agent.  To prepare, they each must go out and actively pursue work from 5 employers, so that each will have a list of 5 places they looked for work that they can show the agent when asked.
The one who best demonstrates to the EI agent that s/he was serious about finding a job, will remain hired for at least one more week.  One of the remaining losers will be laid off.

Any other challenges or tasks you can think of?

WotD: Perfervid

When That Guy Who's Up On Child Porn Charges apologised for his actions, I don't think he was very perfervid.

or

Scene: late at night, police officer has stopped a driver...
Guy in car:  ...an' annuzher shing, occifer...I think that porn guy is perfervid!
Officer:  And I think, sir, that you are drunk.

Happy Birthday, My Mom

Mom, Pearl Harbour may have tried to take this day for itself, but to those of us who know you,  those of us who are fortunate enough to be comforted by your love and compassion, December 7 has an altogether different, more relevant and more important meaning.
It's Your Birthday!!
To borrow a phrase from my rap friends:  Mom, you da bomb on Pearl Harbour Day.

Happy Birthday
Love
Robert

BK: Beefstiality Kink

What the hell is it with those Burger King television ads for their Steakburger, where the guy seems to be having a sexual relationship with a cow?

Electrical Embers

Last night the power went off for a couple of hours in my neighbourhood.  This is not unusual in itself.  Our section of "the grid" seems to lose power quite often, and I'd bet dollars to donuts that we lose power (even just momentarily) more often than anywhere else on PEI.  So, losing power, as I say, wasn't unusual.
What was unusual was that, last night when the power went out, everything shut down, then a moment later there was the faintest amount of power still passing through our home.  The lights that were on a moment before the outage were still glowing, but ever so faintly.  I would guess at 5% of 'normal' capacity.  The televisions and computers, etc all shut down, but the power lights on the computers were still glowing, faintly.
It was kind of spooky.  We turned off all the lights etc, because the weak glowing wasn't powerful enough for us to see properly.  After about half an hour of outage, the faint glowing disappeared, presumably as that lingering electrical enegy drained itself from the grid.  About an hour and a half after that, the power returned.

When the power returned, I discovered that our main computer had lost all its cookie settings, and I am now trying to remember the various cookie-stored usernames and passwords that I use for various sites I visit.

NHL: With Simulated Action Flavour

If there was NHL hockey this year, my Montreal Canadiens would be playing the Devils in New Jersey tonight.  Instead, my homepage's sports section shows the game as 'postponed'.
Sigh.

But wait.  What's this?  The NHL 2004/2005 season IS on?  What?  It's a simulated season from the folks at WhatIf Sports.  That'll have to do, pig.  Checking the stats, it looks like the Habs are doing pretty good so far, tied for fourth in the Eastern Conference.

Hey, simulated sports, simulated sex nor simulated Ketchup flavour are as good as the real thing, but when you're deprived, you'll take what you can get.

The Christmas Shoes Scam

As a public service to my loyal readership, I offer you this warning, just in time for Christmas.  It concerns a confidence scam that surfaced last year, and by all accounts, will be even more popular this year.  It is being dubbed The Christmas Shoes Scam.
This is how it works:
The scam usually is pulled at a busy department store or mall, usually at times when there are large crowds mingling.  A young child (usually, could be a trust-inspiring early teenager too) will linger around the checkout, holding an item of clothing he makes obvious he wishes to purchase.  While the item is usually a pair of womens shoes (hence the scam's name), it can be anything really.  The main characteristic is that the item is NOT something the child would purchase for his own wardrobe.  While holding the item, the child will look sad.  This is done to lure in the victim.
It is an inactive scam, meaning that the child will wait until approached.  Once approached by a concerned (meaning: vulnerable and/or Christian) adult, the scam artist will begin with the waterworks, crying softly at first, moreso as the situation demands.  When asked what's wrong, the child will lay the base of the scam.  Usually the child will say something to the effect that a family member (usually a Mother) is very ill, and is in fact about to die. Perhaps even this very night.
If the victim bites, then the scam artist will continue on with a story that usually implies how he'd love the dying family member to wear the article of clothing that he is buying.  He may say that, when well, the dying family member expressed delight regarding that specific piece of clothing.  Unfortunately, the child doesn't have enough money.
If the victim has stayed this long, it is pretty much a certainty that the victim will offer to pay outright for the article of clothing.  Tearfully, the scam artist accepts the generosity and allows the transaction to occur.  With purchased item in hand, the scam artist thanks the victim, then runs off to, he says, his dying family memeber.
A day later, the child (or, if part of a Christmas Shoes gang, it's usually the 'guardian' who) returns to the store and receives a full cash refund for the item.
In a busy mall at the height of Christmas shopping a good Christmas Shoes scam artist can rake in a thousand dollars a day.
Read this testimonial for an actual account from a victim:

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line, tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood.  Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously, pacing 'round like little boys do, and in his hands he held a pair of shoes.
His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe.
And when it came his time to pay, I couldn't believe what I heard him say.

“Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please.  It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size.  Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time.  You see she's been sick for quite a while, and I know these shoes would make her smile.  And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.”
He counted pennies for what seemed like years, then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here". 
He searched his pockets frantically, then he turned and he looked at me.

He said “Mama made Christmas good at our house, though most years she just did without.  Tell me Sir, what am I going to do?  Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes.”

So I laid the money down. I just had to help him out.  I'll never forget the look on his face when he said “Mama's gonna look so great.” 

I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love, as he thanked me and ran out.  I knew that God had sent that little boy to remind me just what Christmas is all about.

This guy was sucked in big time.  Let it be an example to you.  So, as a warning, please be careful this Christmas when approached for money.  It could be a scam.

Muppets, Mel and Me

Speaking of Muppets, I haven't really enjoyed their antics much since Jim Henson died.  That they've carried on the characters that he voiced (that he *was*) is sad to me, but I understand, from a corporate greed angle, why it must be done.  Kermit is, quite simply, not Kermit anymore.  I cannot enjoy what these characters do or say, because I cannot see them as the entities they were.  They are impersonators.
I could handle the Dick York/Dick Seargeant switch on Bewitched because, even though they were playing the same character, Dick2 didn't try to copy Dick1.  He played the character in his own way.
I was equally frustrated when the Warner Brothers kept the Looney Toons franchise going after Mel Blanc died.  Bugs, Daffy, et al just didn't sound right.  I'd occasionally see some post-Mel cartoons and would get upset at the voice-work and ultimately decided not to watch any more.
Sunday, Looney Toons Back In Action was on, and I half-heartedly decided to check it out for a minute (to see how long it'd take before I got frustrated at the voices and angrily changed the channel).  Well, I was pleasantly surprised.  The new guy they got to do the voices has nailed many of them.  Daffy sounds like Daffy again.  Bugs is back to being Bugs.  Yosemite isn't so good, but overall, I was impressed.
Enough to watch the whole movie.  Which was okay, by the way.  I'm always cheering for Brendan Fraser to succeed.

Behind The Music: Grover

This is pretty funny.
Grover was always my favourite Muppet.  I never stopped to consider the cost of that fame and celebrity.  Grover, the monster at the end of that book wasn't just you.  It was ego and vanity and need and the desire to be loved.  The monster at the end of that book was all of us, my friend.

Do You Believe In Miracles

When the USA won the Olympic Hockey gold medal in 1980, I was pretty much just beginning my anti-USA phase (USA, just get out!!).  Combine that with my philosophy-at-the-time that Canada makes the best hockey players, and if our best were ever allowed to compete, we'd win.   Unsurprisingly, I was less than impressed when they beat the Soviet Union, and to me, back then, the Al Michaels "Do you believe in miracles" cry was just typical American propoganda.  When those gold medalists made it to NHL teams, I was, deep down, hoping they'd fail.  Over the years, my stance hasn't changed much.
24 years later and the movie Miracle gets released by Disney, and I think to myself "here's a crappy, feel good movie I'll never watch."  Well, today I watched it, and I gotta say... pretty good movie, and now that I'm more mature, I can appreciate the effort of coach Herb Brooks.
Kurt Russel plays Brooks (and I think the resemblance to Bobby Orr is phenomenal) as a tough disciplinarian with the It'll-Never-Work! idea to combine the best of the Soviet and Canadian styles to create a hybrid of the two.  Apparently it worked.  I was most impressed with the "playing hockey" scenes.  Was expecting the typical staged moments of "action", but instead was surprised with the success they had in conveying the speed and physicality of the sport.  It looked like the actors actually had some skill.  The movie didn't get bogged down in syrupy sub-plots with the various players, and stuck pretty much to the nuts and bolts of the events.
I give it 7 out of 10.

Sidebar

Fishychips at Cedars brings forth this idea for an awful tv series. SideBar.  The original inclination was for this to be a legal drama.  Yawn.  But, when I suggested sitcom with Harvey Fierstein as the judge, well, it just seems right.

Here's what I'm thinkin'... Harvey plays a liberal-minded New York judge who, through mysterious and never-explained reasons, is made to preside over a southern state  (let's say Georgia) county court.  His big-city point of view doesn't mesh well with the small-town conservatives who live in the area.

Who else is in the show, and what do they play?

Bout Time

Finally, after however-many episodes of Extreme Boring women against men 'strategy', Survivor Vanna White Too has gotten interesting.  At least it was interesting for about the final fifteen minutes last night.  How boring has it been so far? How irrelevant have been the contestants?  Last night, with only 7 or 8 players left, I still didn't recognise the woman who won the reward challenge.  Who was she?  Has she been on the island the whole time? Or, wait, was it Bug-Eyed Eliza who won that challenge?  I cannot remember, or differentiate between, some of these forgettable people.
I've been cheering for Twyla for a while now, and I suspect it could be her and Scout that make it to the final two. Scout is a puzzle.  She hasn't come close to winning any challenge, yet she has situated herself as one of two (along with Twyla) who are now calling all the shots. 
I think Dead Man Walking Chris could make it to final three. Not that I particularly like him, but I'd love to see him win, based solely on him (being a man) being the butt of that mean and ignorant chicken-wing stunt in which all the women participated.
Of course, who wins ultimately depends on who wins immunities, and only now (now that Twyla and Scout have shown their hand)  will that really begin to matter.  I must say that I'm looking forward to the episode (next week, if she doesn't win immunity) where Puffy Ami Me-Me gets the boot.  She seems like a mean and selfish person and someone I wouldn't like in real life.
Last night's Apprentice was fairly cut-and-paste, I thought.  Here's the challenge, here's the result, here's the boardroom, here's the firing, show over.  The hundred dollar cash work incentives and the 'no pizza for you' strategy seemed so wrong and stupid.  For that alone, the guy deserved to be fired.  And that Globe of Pepsi bottle they designed was simply awful looking.

From the Reality Show Red Carpet, here in downtown Whogivesashit, this is Rob MacDee reporting.

I'd Follow You Anywhere, Edge

So, who saw U2 perform on Saturday Night Live last weekend?  I was up and flipping around channels at the time, and came upon them in the middle of their unexpected third performance of the evening.  I've since watched the complete performance of I Will Follow on the internet.  You can see it here, apparently
For those who don't know, U2 were on Saturday Night Live last weekend and performed the usual two songs.  Then, instead of a final awful sketch, the comedians said their good-nights to us and Bono ran over to the band and they played an "unscheduled" third song.  I quote the word because, obviously the cast, crew and producers knew it was scheduled. 

After seeing it, I gotta say, my respect for U2 continues to go up and up.  Are they the greatest rock and roll band ever?  For longevity and continued relevance, I think you gotta say they are.

Their performance of the song was not special, in and of itself. It was very good, yes. But if it was a great performance, it was so in its very ordinariness.  It is what I would expect from U2.  It was rock-steady and strong. It is what rock and roll should be like.  The performance wasn't special, but the event was.
What made it special, of course, was this was U2's response to the hubbub surrounding SNL's previous two weeks' entertainers.  The Ashlee Simpson lip-synch controversy two weeks ago, and  Eminem's rapping along with his vocal track episode last week.  This was U2 saying "look, here's how it's supposed to be done.  We'll play one of our oldest songs, one we've played countless times, one  we should be bored-shitless with, yet we're still ripping it as if it mattered".  But doing so in a totally unpretentious (to me) manner.

LIke them or not, U2 is a Real Band, and they keep reminding us exactly what a real band is supposed to do: sing and play and feel the music and have a great time doing it.  And in this world of pre-produced talent, that is becoming more and more a rare experience.

D-I-V-O-R-A-C-E

Or:  The Amazing Shut Up I Hate You I Want A DivoRace

At least there’s still the scenery. And the competitions.

This year’s pack of The Amazing Race contestants seems to be
rather, um, rude, selfish and immature. So much anger and hatred among the couples. There seems to be no middle-ground when it comes to anger between
team-mates. They’ll be all lovey-dovey,
then next scene they are over-the-top Pacino mad at each other. And angry at seemingly trivial things. Yes, I understand it’s a race, and there are
pressures associated with that, but, come on, people. Show each other some respect.  Not knowing whether to turn right or left at the next intersection is not reason enough to declare, in a rabid rage, a desire for divorce.

The apology between the older couple was sweet and
genuine. Really, there’s nothing to
dislike about them so far.

By the sheer outlandishness of his temper and ego, it’s
becoming quite apparent that Johnathon must be trying to create this “most
annoying reality show contestant ever” character. What a disappointment, if it’s true. It takes all the fun out of hating him. Obviously his wife is in on the act.

Other things from last night’s show:

Bolo the Monkey seems to get awfully winded for a so-called
professional athlete.

It’s true. People
falling down on their bums is funny.

Will Hellboy discover and/or announce his homosexuality
before he gets Philiminated?

The New York Girls were a pretty inept team. They deserved to go. And they did. Won’t be missed.

Who will win it all? I’m placing my bet on the team that contains actors and/or models.

Say "Cheese"

Scene:  The Heavens
Lights up to reveal a few and sundry spirits, including God, lounging around on a cloud.  The Virgin Mary enters.
Virgin Mary:  Well, I'm thinking about making another appearance down on Earth.
God: Is that really necessary?  Do you really think it will help?
Virgin Mary:  The people need to be reassured.  Faith is wavering.  I can feel it.
God: (sigh)  Very well.  How will you manifest yourself?
Virgin Mary:  I'm going to show up on a grilled-cheese sandwich.
(pause)
God:  Grilled Cheese.
St. Peter:  That's very "Warhol". 
God: Wouldn't an appearance as, you know, a flesh-and-bone human be more convincing?  Toss a miracle or two their way and voila, you got the majority of the world absolutely convinced in us.  Simple and easy.  In and out.
Thomas:  Yeah, that worked so well with Jesus.
God: In hindsight, I don't think it was the best timing with Jesus.  Probably the different areas of the world were too isolated from one another two thousand years ago for an effective world-wide promotional campaign like that.
Mark:  That's what I've been saying the last two thousand years!  I mean, Jesus gave good sound bites, but, really, who heard him when he was there?  A few thousand people at most, and the majority of them thought he was loco.  Even with all our work after his, uh, death, the word was slow to get out.  But now, with CNN and MSN Messenger , I really think a "Jesus Appears To Save Us All" headline would take off.  Like, globally.
Luke:  As long as it doesn't get usurped by other headlines.  Robert Blake's trial is coming up, you know.
Mark:  I could get working on a Powerpoint presentation, if you like?
God:  That won't be necessary, Mark.  But thank you.
Virgin Mary: Well, I really think if I manifest as a visage on a grilled cheese sandwich, that'll grab them good, too.
Luke (dismissive):  Yeah, that'd be good.
God:  Do it if you must, Virgin Mary.  It's your call.
Virgin Mary:  Well, I will.  I'll appear on a grilled cheese sandwich.
(Virgin Mary exits)
Luke:  She doesn't really "get it", does she.
Thomas:  She's too...theatrical.
Mark:  Stunt appearances like that do more damage than good, God.  I mean, bleeding walls, cloud formations.  It's ridiculous!
God: You know who I feel sorry for?  The poor schmucks who are unfortunate enough to see these images.  Get labelled as 'nutso' or 'crazy' and are ridiculed and persecuted for the rest of their Earth-bound lives.
Luke: All it'd take, God, for Earthly peace, is one smart visit from you.  Show 'em you're serious, and - Bang! - we got, what, four BILLION new subscribers.  Guaranteed.
God:  Well...let's just see how Virgin Mary's grilled cheese sandwich works out.
Luke:  You're the boss.
Lights down.

WotD: Panjandrum

The Grand Panjandrum of our artistic community was at it again.

I'll Drink To That!!

Here's the story, apparently true (and let's say it is even if it isn't):
The President Bush Girls and two Secret Service bodyguards, go to Freemans, a restaurant in NYC, to have dinner.  Maitre'd tells them the restaurant is full and would be for the next 4 years.
Patrons erupt in cheers and all order a round of shots.

Vera, Chuck and John Madden

When I get older, losing my hair...
I bet Paul McCartney never thought, when he wrote "When I'm Sixty-Four", that he'd be head-lining the Pizza Hut Presents the Tostitos (Nothing Goes Better With Tostitos Than Pepsi) SuperBowl Fed-Ex Half-time Budweiser BudBowl Show, sponsored by The US Army (an army of One).   While I'm a huge Beatles fan, I am not such a fan that I am blinded by McCartney's lack of popular music relevance for the past twenty years, and, therefore, I'm pretty blase about his appearance.  I can pretty much imagine exactly how the performance will go.  It won't be exciting.  It may be fake-exciting, manufactured excitement.  But it won't be exciting.
Obviously, the decision is a result of Janet Jackson's boob job from last year.  They're going Super-Safe this year.  But I'd love it if Paul would reach back into that history of his and resurrect some of the balls and brashness he and the other Beatles have shown.  I'd love him to do something with some raw punk attitude -like stopping in mid-performance, flash a big boner - let's see if Paul Is Dead - to the whole world, flip a bird to the crowd and then walk off.
Actually, that would be awful.  Instead, let's have him sing a medley of his hits (the more 'rockier' ones, please), including the first single from his (I must imagine he has one coming out in January) newest album.
Yawn.

Rob's "Reality" Show Recap

So's I'm watchin', like, a few so-called 'reality' shows and thought I'd give my important opinion about them.
Let's start with Tuesday night's The Amazing Race 6
I've mentioned here before how much I love this show (although apparently I don't love it enough to give referring links back to those previous mentions).  Tuesday last was the first episode of the 6th season of the show, and I expect it's gonna be another good season.  I am a little troubled by the way it seems they seem to be focusing more on getting so-called 'pretty people' to be contestants.  Some good characters already:  the well-named Hellboy; Bolo (the monkey), the, um, professional wrestler; and Johnathon, whom I swear will (if he sticks around long enough) go down in the history of television as the most hated contestant ever.  Seriously, he is the worst.  Bile-tainted rage rises to my throat whenever he speaks, and it takes all my will-power not to scream and throw a fit at his obnoxiousness.
Yes, The Amazing Race 6 should be good.  Again.  It's the best of the bunch, by far.

Thursday night gives me Survivor: Vanuatu.  It's been an awful, boring season so far, and I expect it to continue as such.  Yet, I watch.  The women-against-the-men thing was immediately boring and has only percolated more boredom.  Other than Twyla, I really don't give a shit about any of the players.  I kinda liked Sarge, but, well, he's a guy so he's gone.  That's about it.  Oh, and I thought the "give the girls two chicken wings and force the guys to suck on discarded chicken wing bones" trick was one of the lowest moments of Survivor history.  And there's been a lot of low moments.  Guess I'll stick it out to the end.

Following Survivor is The Apprentice.  At the beginning of this season, I decided not to get involved this year.  But The Donald got me about five weeks ago and I've become hooked again.  I actually like this show (my desire not to watch it is based on my strange need to have Donald Trump not succeed with the show, I think).  And this year, I quite like Trump's throw the rule-book out the window attitude.  Last night, he fired two contestants instead of the usual one.  He's a loose cannon, that Trump, I tell's ya.

Not a reality show, but it's on Thursday nights, so I thought I'd end this post with a bit about ER.  I ignored the show the first few seasons, got heaviliy into it for a few more seasons.  Last season, I all but gave up on it as I didn't really like the Luka and Carter in Aftrica thing.  This year, I swear, I'm only tuning in to see how terribly, callously and illegally the staff at the hospital treats their patients.   If I was a lawyer in Chicago, I'd get so rich on the lawsuits I'd bring against the doctors and students at this hospital.  Every week, they're breaking some sort of code or law and people seem to die from their 'reckless but caring' attitude as much as they live.  This is, without doubt, the worst hospital I can imagine going to in America.

WotD: Denouement

I hope the denouement of my life doesn't end up like so many Stephen King novels.

or

"Don't think I ever saw those pants on you before, son."
"That's because denouement."

My Damn Man-Purse

I thought I had found the perfect shoulder bag to carry my notebooks, papers, scripts, pens, and most importanty, my cd/mp3 player.  I bought it at Chapters in Moncton a month or so ago.
It's made of a tough feeling heavy nylon.  Lots of pockets, some zippered, some open, for all sorts and sizes of items, and a special cd player pocket with a special opening for the headphones wire.  Easy close velcro flap makes access to all a quick pull away.

Well, after using the bag for a while, my infatuation has been quickly diminishing.  First of all, I like a bag that maintains its rectangular shape, but this one kind of folds in to itself, so that it kind of hangs like a shapless blob.  This takes away from the ease of entry, since I have to kind of unfold the bag before I can open the velcroed flap.  Second, the velcro on the flap has begun to rip the inner fabric on the flap.   Now when I pull the velcro flap it simultaneously pulls against the tear on the flap and the  anti-velcro on the main bag side of the bag (if you know what I mean).

Those two faults may be enough to make me orphan the bag from everyday use.  Damn, and it had such potential.
I'll have to see if I can repair the rip, and perhaps put something light and inflexible in the bag to help it keep its shape.

WotD: Clerisy

While I certainly don't try to exclude the clerisy, I do try to write comedy sketches with the general public in mind.

or

"I don't speak French.  Ask that lady what time it is here."
"Clerisy."

Media Pimps, Whores and Johns

I think it's wrong for a guy like that guy who lost 7 children and a wife to fire to be made to feel obligated to talk to the media.
I think it's wrong for the media to advertise, promote and present, in a "tonight at 11" way, coverage of his grief.

I understand that many people feel sorry for him, and that creates a *need* to make his story a news story, but I believe the way to respect his soirrow is to let him be alone with his friends and his faith.

Watching his pain doesn't ease his pain. 

Maybe I'm a bit too "Don't photograph the Amish" in this regard.

WotD: Supplant

There are reports that the military has supplanted Kim Jong-il in North Korea because he's gone into seclusion to mourn the loss of a concubine.  Crazy.

or

What supplant doing on the dining room table?  It's far too big.

The Incredibles

I and the family went to see The Incredibles last night.  I left the theatre claiming that it was the greatest movie I've ever seen.  Yes, that is quite a statement.
This morning, I still can't come up with a movie I've enjoyed more.  There have been films I've appreciated more, perhaps, but I think The Incredibles is the greatest movie I've seen.
Fantastic.

WotD: Louche

One of the sketches we performed early in our summer run was, perhaps, somewhat louche. There was mild disagreement within the group as to whether we should revise it to make it more palatable to the general public.

For Al:  I can't wait for the day I lose enough weight so that my pants hang louche off my waist.

I'm A Rocket, Man

I saw this on IFilm a couple of weeks ago, and now I see it linked on MetaFilter.  I don't like linking to IFilm, so I'll provide the link that was on MetaFilter.
The year is 1978, and William Shatner is on stage at what looks like some award show or something, performing/reciting the Elton John/Bernie Taupin song Rocketman.  It is an incredible performance.

Seriously, if you never click on anything else that I offer, you have to check this out.

I need this to be a joke.  I cannot exist in a world where a man would be so full of himself to do this seriously. My only hope is that his tongue was planted firmly in his cheek.  What an actor!!!

WotD: Chortle

At a recent TAIPEI meeting, the Sketch 22 video sketch "Island Eye For The From Away Guy" was presented.  While I expected some of the stuffy-stuffs to chortle, word is that Mrs. Premeir was beside herself with laughter.

For Al:  Since he didn't do a very good job, initially, with raking the leaves, I demanded he continue with  the chortle every leaf in the yard was in a garbage bag.

Why I Hate That Canadian Tire Guy

When I was in grade five at Parkdale Elementary, the school came up with a school-wide fund-raiser project:  students from each grade would submit stories, poems, pictures, some of which would be compiled in a booklet which parents would buy.
Nice idea.
I believe I had a poem selected for inclusion.  But the surprising thing was that a drawing I made was chosen by Mrs. Ross to be on the cover of the booklet.  Surprising because I didn't consider myself an artist at all  (class-mate Stephen

MacInnis was the real artist in the school).  The drawing, which was a mix of crayon and pastels, was of an Island landscape: water, fields, cliff, etc.
Needless to say, I was flattered.
One day Mrs. Ross told me that since the drawing was a medium of crayon and pastel, it wouldn't copy very well for the numerous booklets we were publishing.  We'd have to trace the colourful drawing and use that black and white tracing as the image.  No problem, I said.  She told me Perry (I forget his last name) would be the tracer, since, apparently, he was very adept at tracing.   ???  Ok, no problem, I said.
To celebrate the publication of this booklet, the school organised some type of event to get the parents to the school.  Many parents bought a copy of the booklet, and I personally overheard numerous comments on how lovely the picture on the cover was.
How lovely the picture on the cover was, and how smart a boy this Perry must be for coming up with it.
Huh?
But it's my picture!!
Seems that Perry, when tracing MY PICTURE, signed his name to the tracing.  Perhaps the tracing was his artistic interpretation of my original artistic masterpiece, and perhaps he was legally justified to do so, but in my mind, he was a forger.
He received credit and praise for copying my artistic imagination.
In my mind, he stole my glory.
I've hated him ever since that day.  My hatred was pure and just.  And it still is.
My hatred for Perry went unmatched for many, many years.
Unmatched until I saw that smug prick from the Canadian Tire tv ads.  Now, when I see him in the numerous ads he's done hawking Canadian Tire products, my fury and anger bubbles, barely able to be contained.  Sometimes I scream at the television.

I just figured out why I have such an adverse reaction to that bearded arsehole.  And it's the same reason why I hated Perry so much.

Both of them take credit for other's ideas.  The Canadian Tire guy seems to believe, just because he owns and is aware of the various products, and just because he tells his neighbours about them, that he is part of the team that actually comes up with the ideas.
But he's not.
He's just a guy who traces the ideas.

But I Am Spartacus

For about a week, I began to torment my son by saying, at random times in random voices "I am Spartacus".  This, of course, is in honour of the great scene in the Stanley Kubrick directed, Kirk Douglas starring Spartacus (1960) when, after finally being defeated by the Romans, the Roman General demands to know which of the assembled defeated slaves is the one they call Spartacus.  "Spartacus come forward or you all die!"  Douglas comes forward, knowing it means his death (but their salvation maybe), and declares "I am Spartacus".  Then, one by one, his defeated colleagues come forward (even though it probably means they'll die) and each say "I am Spartacus" in an attempt to save their heroic leader.  A great scene.
Then, co-incidentally, I saw a torrent link for the movie and I thought he might enjoy watching it.  I soon discovered that it wasn't the Kubrick version, but an updated 2004 version starring Goran Visnjic (Luka from ER).  I procured it and we watched it yesterday.
It was okay for an afternoon with nothing better to do.  Kind of by the numbers, though, and perhaps missing a spark or two.  The guy (Angus Macfadyen, who played Robert the Bruce in Braveheart) who played Marcus Crassus (the bad guy) was fun to watch.  As soon as Spartacus dies, though, the movie should have been over, yet it spent another 20 minutes or so meandering through, clearing up a couple of subplots.
Anyway, I was waiting the whole 3 hours (yes, three hours) for that great "I am Spartacus" scene.  It didn't happen.  Instead, Spartacus dies, kind of anonymously, amid a pack of anonymous Roman Legionaires.
Disappointing.  And now my son probably thinks I'm crazy for my thousand "I am Spartacus" recitations.

Thank You

Thank you
For signing up
And thank you for reporting
For getting on the ship that took you there
And for never coming home

Thank you
For your wet socks
Your frostbite toes and broken limbs
For the friends that you've seen die
And for sleeping in a hole

Thank you
For pulling the trigger
And for all the awful that entails
For your hard dreams and memories
And for coming home alive

Thank you
For crying
For laughing
For digging
For fighting
For hating
For shooting
For saving
For giving
And forgiving

Thank you

I HlAoTvEe My Blog

One full year of typepadding, plus many months before that of blogspotting.
Over the past month or so, I've been wondering whether or not to continue with this enterprise. 

I'm getting tired, people.
But I do like having a place to record these stupid pieces of nothing.

At the moment I have an "I expect I'll continue, what the hell, why not?" type attitude.

Aren't you lucky.

News You Will Only Find Here

The excellent and safe Firefox browser became 1.0 today.  If you don't use it, you really owe it to yourself to get it and have it forever replace Internet Exploder.
Congratulations to Steven Garrity's design team and the whole Firefox crew for the time and effort put into giving us the much needed alternative.

The Dolphins (Good-)Bye Week

The Miami Dolphins have played nine games so far this season.  They won one and lost eight.  In all my years of being a DolFan, I beleive there's only been one losing season.  So, I'm unaccustomed to cheering for the team that's the worst in the league (although being a Habs fan and Expos fan certainly gives my some practice) and a butt of Jay Leno Monologue jokes.
After the first two losses, I made a prediction on the Dolphins newsgroup:  Coach Dave Wannsdedt will be fired the day after they lose the game just before their bye week.  Well, I was wrong.  While the Dolphins did lose Sunday's game just before this week's bye, Wannsdedt was not fired yesterday.  Nor was he fired today.
Today, Dave Wannsdedt resigned. 
So, in this week of bye, we DolFans say "Good-bye" to Coach Wannsdedt.

Once Around The Park

DaveS and I came up with this title for what would no doubt turn into an awful movie:  Once Around The Park
Below is my synopsis of the movie.  See if you can come up with a worse (better?) version.

Once Around The Park
Rich, bored socialite Katherine Bringham (Gwyneth Paltrow) is in an unhappy (but for complicated business/family reasons, necessary) engagement to power attorney (future d.a.?) Daniel Harris (Matthew McConnaughey).  The only person it seems she can truly confide in (and to whom she can 'be herself') is her chauffeur,  Bennie (Brendan Fraser).
Through their post-date drives back to her apartment ("once around the park, first" says K each time), Katherine and Bennie talk and enjoy themselves, and fall in love. Of course, she tries to deny their love, and remain committed to the engagement, but love defeats all, right.
She comes clean to Daniel and he seems to take their breakup well.  However, he begins to anonymously torment Bennie, using his power attorney power to wreak havoc on Bennie's good name and nature.  Bennie loses his job, his relationship with Kathreine sours (because of well-conceived lies from Daniel) and the true-love couple seem to have lost, relationship over.  No more do they see each other.  Bennie's distraught.  Katherine's heartbroken.
Daniel is there for her.  Maybe she was wrong about him, he seems to be nicer now. They get back together.
Just before the wedding (on the way to the wedding), Katherine is somehow forced to hail a cab.  It's Bennie, in his new job as a cabbie.  He tries to explain the situation, but she'll have none of it.  He drives her to the church.  Just before the wedding, Daniel says something that causes her to realise that Bennie was telling the truth.  At the climax of the wedding, she runs out of the church and into the cab (Bennie is still there).
They ride off, in the cab, into the sunset.  But first they drive one more time, Once Around The Park.

Yuch!
What's your version?

Six Answers About Me

Asked for ten. Got six that I figure I'd answer:

Nils asks: What are you working on that you don't tell anyone about? And why don't you?

Answer: I assume you ask this about my creative pursuits and not, say, about the next level on Grand Theft Auto on which I’m working. I am currently writing sketches for next summer’s run of Sketch 22. (No, Frankie, there is not gonna be a Christmas show. Maybe something in February?). But that is not something I don’t not tell anyone about. Secret-desire creativity would include a for-theatre Kids Show For Grown-Ups (which I have told a few people about). It would look and feel like a show for kids, but would involve adult themes. Probably a good show to go to stoned. Also, I’d love to do a one-man show that most people would hate. It would start like this: I drive a malfunctioning Harley Davidson onto the stage, keep it revving, and then proceed to tune it up for an undetermined period of time. If anyone is still around after that, I’d move onto my next bit: The Flinging of the Shit Sock… etc.

I don’t like to tell people of ideas too much, because to me the telling is the doing. Once an idea is voiced, then the desire to continue on with it begins to immediately diminish.

---------------------

Wayne asks: If given the choice, who would you best like to have dinner with? (deceased accepted-with the understanding they would be alive for the occasion)

Answer: The joke answer is: anyone who pays. The “I went to university” answer is: I’d like to have dinner with the members of the Algonquin Round Table. I probably wouldn’t feel confident enough to add my witty banter, but I’d love to experience a session of their repartee at its height. My real answer (the one I’d give to the genie offering me this chance), though is: Jesus Christ. I’m dying to know if he had a sense of humour.

---------------------

Coda asks: What do you most want to accomplish in your life and why?

Answer: It’s kind of pathetic perhaps, but I don’t like to set goals to accomplish. I see it as both a positive and negative way to live. Positively, I think it allows me to enjoy the moments of my life more. I am living for right now, not for the goal that’s a week, month, 20 years away. Negatively, I think it hinders one’s ability to achieve. It also is a way to avoid failure, which also had good and bad effects.

Generally, I want to be debt free at some point.

I’d also like to accomplish the goal of owning an iPod. If anyone would like to help me with that goal, just email me.

---------------------

Tim asks: If you were appointed ruler of the universe, would you be a fair and benevolent leader, or would you become corrupt with power?

Answer: I think, if I was appointed ruler of the universe, first thing I’d do is destroy those who had it within their power to appoint me. Getting rid of them would likely make the job more of a permanent one. Once that was done, I would rule as fairly and benevolently as possible. Of course, there’d be periods of time when I’d be petulant and selfish. My goal would be to make the people of the universe treat others in the manner in which they’d like to be treated, and to take responsibility for themselves. Just like a parent.

--------------------

Dave S asks: what's a favourite word?

Answer: I like ‘cartilage’. And ‘bueno’.

--------------------

Graham asks: Have you ever been in a fist fight. What is your current hand-to-hand melee combat skill. Do you think you can take me. well do'ya ?

Answer: Yes, I have been in a fist fight. A couple, actually. The last time was in junior high, grade 7. Me and friends were walking home after school, and a couple of tough-guy grade 8ers were throwing snowballs at us and taunting us from the other side of the road. One too many hit me, so I dropped my Adidas kitbag, crossed the street and started laying into one of the kids. I got him down on the ground, got on his chest and started flailing (not unlike Ralphie in the fight scene in A Christmas Story). I went crazy. After a few minutes, others pulled me off him. I wasn’t bothered again in school.

In my university years, and for a few afterwards, I’d occasionally get mouthy when I was at an appropriate level of drunkenness. My mouth got me into a few almost-fights, where I’d be chased. I wouldn’t choose to fight. I was a provoker, not a fighter.

I imagine my current hand-to-hand melee combat skill to be pretty good. It is totally untested, and I think I'm relying on instinct-plus-crazy to get me through any tussle, but I expect I could handle myself.

And, yes, Graham, I have no doubt that if we were to fight for real, I’d take you.

Dubya Dubya III

I was going to call this post "Kerry Defeats World War III" as an homage to the infamous Truman/Dewey headline and the hope I felt earlier last night that was dashed in Florida.

Instead, I think Dubya Dubya Three better sums up where I think George will take us all in the next four years.

I saw this map on another site, and I liked it:

Good luck and hang tough all you Americans who suffered through the loss.

Ten Questions about Me

Because I am such an interesting person, yet so shrouded in mystery, I've decided to let you, readers, interview me. Assuming there are at least ten people who read this and are curious enough to post a question they'd like me to answer about myself, I'm willing to answer.

So, fire away. What would you like to know? I'll compile the questions and answer as best I can in a future post. You can ask more than one question, but I'm only going to pick one per person. Also, I reserve the right not to answer questions I'd rather not answer.

This, of course, is the post, through lack of questions, in which I realise that nobody really cares. :(

Lest We Forget

At lunch today, I saw a big banner. I think it was hanging on the ATC building. It said: "Remembrance Day - Lest We Forget" A fairly common notion this time of year, to be sure.

But seeing that phrase at that moment got me thinking out loud, which caused DaveS and myself to spend a few useless minutes wondering out loud. What I thought was "will there be a day when the word 'lest' is no longer used?" DaveS assured me it would be around for the rest of our lives at least. I figured that, for the people who are/will be confused by 'lest', we'll one day change 'lest' to 'in case'. In Case We Forget.

Wondering about the appropriateness of that word led to the perceived appropriateness of the whole phrase.

In the end, we decided that the word "lest" would remain forever, but "we forget" would succumb to various interest groups and political correctness.

"We" is far too inclusive a word. What about those people/groups who prefer to forget, or who accidentally forget? Surely there are anti-veterans groups around. Should they be forced to be included under the blanket-umbrella of 'we'? Surely not.

And what about the term "forget". Couldn't the implication of forgetting be hurtful to those who do forget?

How about this as an alternative to Lest We Forget:

Lest Those People Who Knowingly And Willingly Make An Effort Not To Be Memory-Challenged In Regard To The Remembrance Of Those Who Were Or Are Impacted By Either National/International Combative Situations And/Or Peaceful Representation Of And For Their Country Do In Fact Become Memory-Challenged In This Regard.

Justin and Britney Married

I am having a hard time pinpointing the exact date.

Can anybody tell me when Britney Spears' recent marriage to Justin Timberlake took place?

An-Tiss-Ih-Pay-shun

For about a week or so, I've been anticipating tonight and tomorrow night.

Tonight, Sketch 22 (or the Island-bound members at least) are getting together for our first time to begin writing our second season show. I'm greatly looking forward to hanging out with the crew. By the way, rumours of a Christmas Sketch 22 show (which we may have started) should by now be quashed. There will be no Christmas show. We do want to put something on stage over the winter though. Not sure what it'll be. At any rate, looking forward to getting the creative juices flowing again, and to being with buds.

Also, despite it being the worst season so far for the Dolphins, I'm anticipating the MNF game tonight, Miami v. NY Jets. While I fully expect the Jets to blow the Dolphins out of the water (clever), I must admit to expectations of upset as well. Last week's surprise victory against the Rams (sorry J.P.) has caused the embers of hope (I thought they were fully extinguished this year) to begin to glow ever so faintly in my fanatical devotion to the Dolphins.

Then tomorrow night, it is US election night. I love watching election coverage, and have been anticipating the spectacle of this particular election night for a couple of years. The only thing that will ruin the fun and excitement of election night viewing is a Bush victory. But, according to the pundits, there's not much chance for that, right? (the post's title is, of course, an homage to Heinz ketchup)

"The End" by 2033

I figure my son will be 40 years old when he finally watches the end of the movie "Halloween". This is an admittedly unscientific and quick calculation based on how much more of the movie he watched this year than he did last year. About two minutes more than last year, for those keeping score.

I think Halloween is the epitome of suspense and tension in movies. Blood and gore, my son can handle. The occasional fright, no problem. But Halloween has beaten him, two years in a row now.

Last year, I was skeptical about having him watch the movie. But my eagerness to have him grow up, coupled with his persistance that he's old enough for it, won out. So, I had him and his friend Keaton watch the movie with me. We all had built the movie "up" in the days before we watched it. I kept telling them how it was going to scare the shit out of them. Not "like other movies" scared. But really scared. I had them anticipating and dreading the viewing. I told them we'd stop the movie at any point either of them wanted it stopped, and that there was no shame in being too scared to watch it. "whatever" was their opinion of that idea. "Just wait and see" I said. They were so primed to be scared.

We made it about 40 minutes into the film, I'm guessing. Just to the point where the girl goes to the laundry-room (who has a laundry room as a separate building, by the way?) to wash her buttered clothes. She gets stuck. Michael Myers is at the door! "Stop the movie!" they agreed. "Are you sure?" I asked, keeping the movie going. "Just wait a sec." I admired them for wanting to charge ahead, and sure enough, they got past that scene, and onto the next segment where the buttered girl takes her babysitting charge over to where Jamie Lee Curtis is sitting. As soon as the Halloween tinkling piano music started again, though, that was it. "Turn it off!" No going back. They were done.

So, that was my son's first foray into Halloween.

Over the course of the past year, I asked him a few times if he wanted to watch the rest of Halloween. "Not right now". "Maybe next Halloween" I allowed. "Okay".

So, this Halloween, after the trick-or-treating was done: "Do you want to watch Halloween?" "Sure" he said, emphatically. I think his willingness to watch it was partly based on the fact that watching it would mean he'd get to stay up past his bedtime. On a school night.

Movie starts. The first appearance of the creepy tinkling piano makes him moan slightly. A few more occurrances of the theme and he begins to say things like "I hate that music!" "I know, isn't it great" is the type of reply his mother or I would respond with.

As the movie begins to grow in suspense, he starts getting a bit agitated, in a "this is exciting, I'm getting kind of nervous and agitated at this movie again" kind of way. I offer "we can stop the moive any time you want. Just say so." "No, I want to see more of it than I watched last year." Okay.

So, we make it to the point where we stopped watching last year. "This is where we stopped last year" he says.

Next scene: Girl is going to drive to pick up her boyfriend. She is singing as she goes to the car. Door is locked. She goes to get the keys, singing all the way. No worries. She comes back to the car, opens the door... wait, it's unlocked now!! She doesn't realise it! How did the door get unlocked?!? Still singing, gets in the car. Singing. Notices condensation on the windows. "That's odd", she seems be thinking. THERE'S CONDENSATION ON THE WINDOWS!!! It dawns on her slowly, and she stops singing. She turns to look in the back seat. We see the white mask...

STOP THE MOVIE!!!! "Are you sure?" STOP THE MOVIE!!!

So, we stopped it. About two more minutes than last year. I'm guessing next year we watch the whole thing.

It's All About Perspective

This from an NFL.com preview of Monday's Dolphins v. Jets game:

The Jets and Dolphins are meeting on Monday Night Football for the first time since Oct. 23, 2000, when they played one of the best games in the history of the program.

Miami had a 30-7 fourth-quarter lead at the Meadowlands before New York scored a team-record 30 points in the period to force overtime. The Jets ended up winning 40-37, the biggest comeback victory in their history.

The game, voted by fans as Monday Night Football's greatest game

I watched that game. As a Dolphins fan, I can assure you I did not vote this game as the greatest MNF game.

By the way, you may have noticed I stopped posting my weekly football picks because, well, really, who cares?

M-O-O-N Spells "Bush"

So a well-respected image analyst, the same guy who is currently studying the images of Saturn's moon titan, has decided to apply his expertise to the photo of POTUS in the first debate.

He stakes his scientific reputation that "...Bush was wearing something under his jacket during the debate," he says. "This is not about a bad suit. And there's no way the bulge can be described as a wrinkled shirt." (on a morning television program on Wednesday, Bush had said the problem was "a poorly tailored shirt")

Interesting article, available here. (It's Salon, so you'll need to watch an ad to get the free one-day visit to Salon Premium)

So, when will Bush be forced to state: "I did not have electronic intercourse with my staff"

Libby Oughton's Rug

I see on the ARTS Guild marquee, during my walk to lunch today, this:

Libby Oughton's Rug Exhibition

While I am slightly curious as to what makes her rug so special that it deserves to be displayed, I thought there was a provincial law that forbids public displays of genitals. Maybe pubic hair doesn't count?

Still, even with these mental images swirling in my brain, I managed to eat some lunch.

5 Questions of Numbers

Five global questions that need answering:

1) How many people in the world have read the word "coincidence" at the same time you just did right now?

2) How many people in the world, right now, are wearing short skirts and no panties?

3) How many people are, right now, eating their snot?

4) How many people, at this very second, died?

5) How many people bothered to read all the way to this fifth useless question?

Sasa Lele

I have a friend. Her name is Sasa Lele (pronounced Sass-ah Leh-lay). She is from Africa.

Okay, not really. But I have been inventing, bit by bit, a background for a fictional character named Sasa Lele. Where did the name come from, you ask?

On Quxxn Strxxt, there is a store called Hxxe Axxents. On their window, for quite some time now is a hand painted sign that says:

SASA SASA

LELE LELE

Well, not quite like that, because the L's fall under the S's and the E's fall under the A's. For the longest time (months, I'd say) I read it as Sasa Lele Sasa Lele. I figured it was a brand name. Then one day it struck me. It's saying "Sale Sale", only in an unclear way. Anyway, since that revelation I've decided that Sasa Lele is the name of some person.

Feel free to add some elements to her background.

Where There's Smoke...

...there's a guy waiting to see if the smoke problem returns.

I was driving my '91 Chevy Lumina the other day and we're stopped at an intersection. For no discernible reason, smoke starts billowing from the neck of the steering wheel. Okay, so maybe not billowing. Maybe more like that first stream of smoke when one initially touches the hot-knife to the hash.

So, for like 10 seconds, the smoke is hot-kniving out of the neck of the steering wheel. I did not inhale, but I could smell the familiar scent of burning electrical wires. I began to imagine the car bursting into flames and exploding in a fiery ball of flames. Only after we ejected ourselves from our seats, of course. My wife started to ask if there was enough time to make it to a service station. As I watched the smoke plume, I dismissed all kinds of courses of action. In reality, I was only hoping to make it home. Our son sat bemused in the back seat.

Then, as soon as it started, it stopped. The smoke went away. The intersection light turned green, and off we went. I did the official test to see if anything was broken: I tried the directional blinkers and turned the steering wheel back and forth. My rigorous testing showed no difference than before the smoke. So, we drove home and did what, I think, most people do: we ignored the problem.

I am now waiting for the next smoke alarm before I take any serious action like taking it to a mechanic.

Heads or Tailspin

I don't know very much about the implications of politics on a global scale. But I'm worried that Bush will get re-elected. I honestly do not understand how common-sense people can willingly vote to give him another four years. Perhaps I'm buying too much into the liberal media spin over the past three years, but I don't think so. I really think there's a fundamental difference in his opinions of The Right Thing To Do, and my opinions, and in the last year in particular, I consider his opinions dangerous to the world. For a while I've given him the benefit of the doubt because, well, he's the President of the United States of America, and I'm, well, a nobody who doesn't know very much about the implications of politics on a global scale.

I have a feeling that, if Bush wins, a great number of people who voted for him will, the moment the results come in (or get pronounced in court), have that sense you get when choosing between two things you thought were equally appealing (or unappealing, as the case may be).

You know, like when you say "I don't know whether to eat the salad or the cheeseburger. I'll flip a coin and if it's heads I'll eat the salad. Tails I eat the cheeseburger" At the time, you may honestly think you don't have a preference between the two. But then, when you flip the coin and it comes up heads, you immediately realise that it was the cheeseburger you wanted all along. So you flip again, hoping this time it'll be tails.

Only in the US, it'll take four years before they can flip the coin again.

I expect the people of the US to come to their senses, and vote for Kerry in such numbers that there's little question as to the country's opinion about Bush policies.

I expect that, because I need to expect that. I'm also getting ready for a great disappointment.

Holiday Hump Day

I am in the middle of a week-long vacation. So far, it's been a perfect vacation. Lots of video game playing, some reading, sleeping late, going to bed late, cooking meals that don't get cooked when I work, doing unimportant things on a whim, etc.

I had planned to do a few things around the house, but so far, except for a half-afternoon of beginning to clean out the basement, I've done nothing. And I don't feel guilty at all.

I've barely thought about work, which is the best part.

Now, though, it's hump day, and I fear my head, from this point onwards, will be more and more filled with countdown-to-work thoughts.

To counter that, I'll just have to play more GTA: Vice City.

Base-a-ball Has Been Berry Berry Good

Some random thoughts on baseball:

- This season, I've watched this much baseball: game 5 of Yanks/Sox from the bottom of the 6th onward, and game 6 of the same, from the 2nd inning onward. Both were great games. I'll watch tonight's game as well. I find myself cheering heartily for the Red Sox. I'm not sure if that's because I want them to win, or if I want the Yankees to lose.

- My cheering for the Sox has got me thinking: Now that the Spose are no more, which team will I passively cheer for during the regular seasons, without really watching any games or paying attention to the standings? I've always been a National League guy (it must be that preposterous DH rule in the AL that keeps me from cheering that side of the league). Back in the 80's, when I was an avid Expos fan (there was a time when I'd listen to regular season Expos games on the radio, if I could find a station [there was a time when I'd try to find baseball radio broadcasts anywhere on the dial]), I did find myself secretly cheering for the Pirates. But I think that was more about the audaciousness they had to wear those ridiculous too-tall prison uniform caps.

I've always had a soft spot for underdogs, so maybe I'll start actively-passively cheering for the Cubs and/or Mets. Dunno, that doesn't feel right, yet.

One thing for certain, I cannot bring myself to cheer for the Jays. I've never been able to cheer for any Toronto based team in any sport.

There's no need to force a team upon myself. I'll let it occur naturally. I'll allow myself to discover my new team gradually, over time, as I more-or-less ignore the regular season next year.

- My choices for the name of the former Expos, now situated in Washington: The Washington Lobbyists, or The Washington Irvings, or The Washington Citizens Should Never Forget That Lauria And MLB Conspired To Destroy The Expos Thus Creating The Unfortunate And Unforgivable Circumstances That Snuffed Out The Love Of Baseball In Montreal And Brought The Team To Your Region (or the Washington Citizens, for short).

MadAsHellFire

It's spreading all over the internets, but I thought I'd point to it so that those of you who rely solely on me to get your news and entertainment stories will be sated.

John Stewart was on CNN's Crossfire recently and took the opportunity to call out the hosts on what a terrible job they (and the media) is doing in covering the news. It's a fascinating bit of television. I appreciate Stewart more than ever for having the balls to maintain his agenda. I know I wouldn't have the guts to do what he did, even though it so needed to be done.

Here's a link to a page that has video links of the event.

It really is worth seeing.

Enemies: Wrapped Up

So, last night was the final night of this year's Enemies. What did you miss, if you weren't there?

-what I am sure is the Segway's first appearance in any theatrical production on PEI. I would even guess the first time a Segway has appeared in a theatrical production in the Maritimes. (I am more than ready to be corrected on this)

-at least three too many jokes/references to the penis and/or testicles.

-me, chewing pubic hair.

-a discussion as to the meaning of the word 'reap'.

-a detailed instructional on how a man might possibly be born with a gun in his hand.

-the introduction of the Benny Hill Show theme song to a whole new generation of Islanders.

-mis-firing pistols

-a real-live alien on stage (okay, an actor pretending to be a real-live alien).

-more drool than was necessary.

I found directing this year's episodes to be a very Jekyll-Hyde experience. On the one hand, you want to make sure the actors know what they were supposed to do when they were on stage. We had plot points we need to reach in any scene, and it's rather vital to the outcome of each episode that those points are actually achieved. Yet, on the other hand, you also want to keep the improvisational intent of the series. It's improv that drives the excitement and entertainment of the shows, and if the actors have too much familiarity with what happens in each scene, then it becomes much harder to maintain that improvisational aspect.

I think, in hindsight, I guided the rehearsals with the intent that the improvisational qualities remained in the forefront, and focused much less (than last year, for instance) on hammering home the various plot points. In so doing, I probably didn't afford the actors as much comfort and familiarity with the scenes as they probably wanted. Sometimes, for all of us acting in the show, this resulted in us looking a little lost at times on stage. However, it also created many hilarious moments of improv that simply wouldn't have happened had we known the plot backwards and forewards.

My Team Is A Laughing Stock

My beloved Miami Dolphins are winless in their first 5 games this season. Not only winless, but not-even-close-less.

The colossalness of their ineptitude has even made them the butt of a Jay Leno monologue joke. Having the team I support be the butt of Leno jokes hurts more than the actual losses, which, truth be told, are somewhat entertaining in a 'the trials of Job' kind of way.

I am now wondering when head coach Dave Wannstedt gets canned. Last week, popular opinion was that he'd be fired the day after their final game of the season. I say, assuming the losing continues (and there's absolutely no reason to believe it won't continue) that he'll be fired the day after the game before their bye week.

And while prognosticating, I'll say that Osama Bin Laden will be 'found' before the end of October. Also, there'll be a major terrorist strike on the US before Nov.3.

Law & Order: Suddenly Very Uninspired

So far this season, Law & Order:SVU has been pretty disappointing. The writing has fallen off the bridge and is very much lacking in subtlety. I still don't watch L&O:Sunday Night (Criminal Intent?), because I never liked the writing and contrivances on it. Perhaps the wirters of CI have moved over to SVU. Certainly, there is some reason for the degradation in scripts.

I haven't really watched the top of the heap Law & Order, this year with Dennis Farina. Seeing the quality of SVU drop off so much, now I'm a little nervous about doing so.

We're On The Road To MonkeyTown

Last Saturday, my wife and I played the role of Bing Crosby (minus the reported child abuse) while Cameron and his friend Jordan played Bob Hope as we travelled in the second annual birthday party trip to Crystal Palace in Moncton.

Left our driveway at 8:50am, drove back in our driveway at 8:47pm. In between there was this:

-a 40 minute wait at a used computer games store in the Champlain Place Mall, as we inch-by-inched our way to the Bethlehem that was customer service, so Cameron could buy a used game. Two registers, one of which was totally bombarded by two kids who kept buying and buying and buying. The other register was manned (sorry ladies, for that gender-specific term, but it was a guy) by a nice-enough guy, but after a 40 minute wait, nobody is friendly anymore.

-Three hours and fifteen minutes in the echo chamber called Crystal Palace. Constant loud droning of amusement noises, intermingled by the rolling roar of coaster and screams of fearful children.

-Zombie-walking through a mall (or was it two malls? or three?) searching (unsuccessfully) for a winter coat for my wife. I'm sorry, but I cannot be counted on to make a coutoure decision when all I want to eat is brains. Or, is it "are brains"?

-a drive to the BigStop in Aulac where I had a decadent dinner - The Day and Ross Special. Basically, poutine. But the first time I've ever eaten poutine, so... hurray for me!!

-Then home.

Cameron and Jordan had a great time, it was their day (except for the hunt for winter wear), and therefore, I had a great day.

I think, though, that this will have been the final annual birthday trip to Crystal Palace, since Cameron has pretty much outgrown most of the rides. Yes, next year we're gonna take him to a brothel, coincidentally enough, called Crystal's Palais.

And, yes. Cameron bought a monkey. In fact, two.

Enemies - Into Final Episode

I understand that some people are planning on coming to see this season's final episode of Enemies this Thursday night, and are not familiar with the proceedings so far:

This may help you get up to date:

Dr. Shelley Lugosi, imprisoned on PEI for various and sundry sex/science crimes, has sent redneck bounty hunter Bubba Fett to Las Vegas to track down and return Shelley's clone-of-himself, Kenny, so Shelley can happily bask in the thrill of having sex with himself. Kenny has been kidnapped to Las Vegas by one half of the separated-at-the-shoulder siamese twin, one-armed Butch, and Shelley fears her hard-lovin' ways will ruin Kenny forever.

In Las Vegas, Bubba meets up with uber-religious good-guy, Gabe, who is attempting to rid Las Vegas of sin and debauchery. To aid in that, he's bought out a casino and turned it into a house of the Lord, where there's never any need to gamble. With Gabe is his psychic girlfriend, Britney, who cannot understand why Gabe spurns her psychic abilities, especially her magic Lobster Claw, which still has one good wish to offer. Sadly, their relationship seems doomed. Especially when Acadien singing sensation Sabine suddenly appears out of retirement and hooks up with Gabe's crusade.

Also in Las Vegas are Cassidy and Ludwig. Cassidy is the armless half of the Butch-Cassidy siamese twinning. She, the poster-child for Abused In Relationship, is girlfriend to Ludwig, a poster child for Relationship Abuser. Ludwig (and Cassidy, but mostly Ludwig) is trying to find fame and fortune in Las Vegas and will do anything to achieve that lucrative Celtic-Rock record contract.

Kenny soon escapes from Butch and hooks up with Gabe. Because of Kenny's high-impact pheremonic scent, he is easy to fall in love with, and Gabe falls head over heals in love, but won't admit it. Moreso in love with Kenny is Cassidy, and because her love is an unselfish love, Kenny falls for her too.

Through a series of events, Ludwig falls under the spell of one of Bubba's alien contraptions (Bubba claims his parents were abducted by aliens when he was a child, leaving behind an assortment of alien devices)., called a Noggin Walloper The Noggin Walloper puts Ludwig under the physical command of Bubba, and Bubba uses Ludwig to help in the hunt for Kenny (he also takes great pleasure in forcing Ludwig to embarrass himself often).

Last week, Sabine got shot dead by a mysterious one-armed bandit. Kenny, to the surprise of all, has the ability to revive the dead, and so revives Sabine. Later, we see him restore both of Cassidy's arms.

During the big Talent Showcase, Bubba goes too far in embarrassing Ludwig, and the Noggin Walloper breaks, causing Ludwig to now have the ability to control everyone else.

Tune in this week as:

Dr. Shelley gets impatient with Bubba

Bubba finds it difficult to hunt for Kenny when he's physically controlled by Ludwig

Cassidy enjoys the ability to scratch her own nose

Butch meets her match

Kenny comes to understand his powers

Britney regrets Lobster Claw wishing for Gabe's Casino-Church to fail

Sabine realises who her true love is

Gabe resorts to his alter ego, Altar Boy, in an attempt to save the world from Ludwig

Ludwig relishes the ultimate power that the Noggin Walloper provides him.

Eggs! Eggs! Eggs!

This via Boing Boing

There's an easter egg to be found in the latest Tony Hawk video game. It features the Star Wars Kid showing some of his moves. I think this is pretty cool.

Does anyone know what affect all this attention has done to the kid? I hope he is reaping some sort of benefit from it.

Enemies - So Far

Episode 4 of Enemies was performed last Thursday. This Thursday is Episode 5.

In case you missed all the action last week and are planning to see the show tonight, here's a recap:

Ludwig, the arrogant, selfish musician, has been noggin-walloped by Bubba Fett, the bounty hunter who's arrived in Las Vegas, looking for the immoral Dr. Shelley Lugosi's simple-minded clone Kenny. A noggin-walloping means that Ludwig is, physically, under the control of Bubba Fett, who commands Ludwig to do his bidding. Ludwig is not pleased about this constant embarrasment and bother.

Dr. Shelley, through holographic communications with bounty hunter Bubba, keeps demanding Bubba work quicker, and bring back Shelley's sex-toy/son/clone to where Shelley can do as he pleases with Kenny.

The armless Cassidy, Ludwig's girlfriend, has fallen in love with Kenny and is not sure how to tell Ludwig.

Kenny has fallen in love with the Lord, and then, with Cassidy. There's seems to be a pure, untainted love.

Gabe, also in love with the Lord, is denying his new-found love for Kenny, whose pheremones cause everyone to fall in love with him.

Gabe's girlfriend, the psychic Britney, is tired of it all and only wants she and Gabe to be happy together. To achieve this, she's willing to use a wish on her magic Lobster Claw. Gabe refuses pagan help, though, and quickly becomes infatuated with formerly retired Acadian Christian folk-singer Sabine Dijon. Britney does not like being two-three-and-four-timed by Gabe

Butch, Cassidy's one-armed twin,and the sensually vulgar woman who kidnapped, from Dr. Shelley, Kenny to Las Vegas, is upset that her hard work in brainwashing Kenny into her sex slave has been for naught, since Kenny has gone off with Gabe to learn the ways of God. She's rabidly on the hunt of Kenny herself, and will stop at nothing to get him back. Even if it means killing him.

Just as Bubba and Butch are about to fight over which of them gets Kenny, Gabe stops the proceedings with news that Kenny is now off-limits, now that he's in the religious sanctuary of the church Gabe newly purchased, formerly known as the Xanadu Casino, now known as the Xanadu Holy Roller Disco Experience and Church.

What will happen this week? Come find out tonight at the Arts Guild.

Or don't.