Tuesday, January 27

Action Movie Manifesto

For those of you who are planning on producing an action movie, here is my handy-dandy list of do's and don'ts: (please feel free to add your own)

My action movie:

- Will have bad guys who can shoot weapons as accurately as the good guys.

- Will not have any scene where the hero, or anybody, must frantically download or upload something. Also, I will not attempt to build tension, or waste screen time, by showing somebody typing information on a keyboard.

- Will not show a woman sitting in bed, with the sheet pulled up over her breasts. Also, when a woman turns over in bed, or reaches for something, the sheet will not move with her, as if it’s taped to her breasts.

- Will have vehicles that conform to modern-day physics and laws of gravity. When a flying-through-the-air car lands hard, damage will occur. If the damage is serious enough, the car will stop running.

- Will have a bad guy who is not compelled to divulge his plan/genius to the trapped and/or defeated hero. If the hero gets caught, he will most likely die.

- Will have bad-guy-lackeys who are capable of free-thought. That is to say, not all bad-guy-lackeys will be willing to die for whatever the bad guy cause is.

- Will have characters who are indeed dead when the other characters believe they’re dead.

- May have vehicles crashing into other ‘civilian’ vehicles, into glass buildings, and even into fruit stands. But my movie will give such incidents real weight and repercussions. Having the Lieutenant yelling at the yahoos responsible is not enough.

- Will have characters who are at least as smart as the people in the audience. If we can figure something out, given the same information, so can the characters.

- Will not have a character who is near retirement.


dave s said...

my action flick will:
- have a female co-star that's an actual, fully-fleshed out character, and not one who is just included to show that the male lead has a girlfriend/wife/association with a stripper.
- not have an end theme song similar to those performed/written by bryan adams, sting, rod stewart, etc.
- will have the deaths of characters, even incidental ones, atually mean something.
- not feature countless explosions that bore the hell out of people.
- cannot feature vehicles crashing into or through fruit carts or windows.
- will not hire actors from monority groups to play characters with good jobs, while giving them lousy jobs as actors (i.e black police chief, on screen for 3 minutes during entire film).
- will not include gay characters solely as comedy relief.

carruthers! said...

My action flick will NOT have:
•The villian, in birds eye veiw, falling to his grissly death into the (place situation here).
•Crusty chiefs whose only job seems to 'ride the good guys ass', thus forcing...
•Good guy to toss in his badge. I mean, what the hell?
•Any super heroes. This includes Bruce Willis in pretty well ALL of his action flicks(except Die Hard... that was cool)

Nils Ling said...

In my action movie:
* Sometimes there won't be a parking spot open right *there*.
* Suitcases with millions worth of money/jewels/gold inside will NOT be weightless.
* Punches will hurt both the puncher and punchee.
* Innocent bystanders will fall during a gunfight, and there WILL be screams of pain.
* Fire hydrants won't always "give" or shear off. Sometimes, they'll put the bad driver through the windshield.
* Gay men won't swish and gay women won't grunt. They'll be like *gasp* real people.
* The hero won't rise up out of bed after a marathon night of sweaty lovemaking with the woman in sheets, and have magically sprouted boxers.

Charlie said...

Hmmm, just a guess but:
Your movies will not have an audience...
oh, and Nils' movie apparently will have too much male genitallia