Thursday, January 27

Human Being 0.4 beta

We’ve been living in our home for almost 15 years, and in all that time, I’ve never been up into our attic/crawlspace.  I’ve peeked a few times, but I’ve not gone up into that space.

Until yesterday.  And boy am I glad I did.

When I got up there, I saw an old crate.  Old old.  Curious, I opened it and I’m amazed at what I saw.  Notes, written on what I’m guessing is papyrus, now barely legible.  They are written in a language that looks unfamiliar to me.

They are written by God. Yeah huh.

After a sleepless night of entering the strange characters into the online babelfish translator, I’ve finally finished the transcription.  The notes appear to be God’s notations on how to improve the piece he was working on at the time:  Human Being.  Apparently, the Human Beings we are today are only an early beta version, and it seems like God had bigger and better plans for us.  Yet, for whatever reasons, these suggested improvements never were implemented.

Still, I thought some of you might be interested at what God had in mind to improve Human Being from beta to Final Version.  I won’t bother with all of them, because frankly, many of the notes are merely chemical equations or too far advanced for human comprehension.

Here, then, are some of the more interesting of God’s notes:

Arms – make them retractable?  Would be good for sleeping, as I notice that the arms can sometimes get in the way of sleep-comfort. How would that affect the ability to keep string-strap camisoles up though? Make shoulders more pointy?  Acceptable retraction speed?  0.1 seconds should be fast enough. Need to be that fast so when HB falls out of bed, arms will spring back out quick enough to cushion fall.

Fingers – Five too many?  Thumb definitely stays, but how about just three fingers, for a total of four?  I can’t envision any need for the pinky, other than the pinky ring and maybe for drinking elegantly from tea cups.  But, with just four, the current ring finger becomes the pinky ring finger.  But only four fingers would make My soon to be patented Penticimal Mathematics System ™ more difficult to figure out.  Hmm?

Head – Pretty good as is.  Thinking about adding third eye, on the back of head, to see behind oneself.  How would that affect hairdos though?  Put third eye on back of neck?  Would that eliminate collared shirts?  Would that be so bad? 
Nose- for maximum smell-efficiency, need to extrude from face as is currently, however it really ruins, in My opinion, the smooth lines of a profile.  Maybe I should just go with my original plan and put the nose down by the feet.  Then one’s nose would really smell.  LOL.  Trouble is, if one's nose is down by one's feet, the nose would likely run more.  LOL.
Mouth- good shape, good size.  If total-liquid-waste idea (see below) goes into effect, might only need to be the size of a straw-hole opening.  Curious that it takes so many more muscles to smile than to frown. 
Ears- Two is good for hearing left or right, but what about hearing in front or behind oneself?  I think there should be four or even 5.1 for a total surround sound system.   Should I give HB the ability to hear like dogs?  If so, then what would HB have to be jealous of regarding dogs?  Genital licking?  Why not just make HB able to lick own genitals?  I don’t believe the old wives’ tale that if so, HB would never leave home.  Why not just put an extra tongue down there, anyway?  You know, just for because.  Would cost be that much more prohibitive?

Waste – Not at all happy with current system.  Waste is an unfortunate, necessary byproduct of HB (the old adage does apply: If sustenance goes in, it’s gotta come out somehow).  Ideally, all waste should be able to be broken down into liquid-form and easily discharged as pee (still not sure whether both male and female should get their own penis. Female HB urination can currently get messy.  Especially when camping).  Forget all that inner-workings of anus stuff.  Far too messy.  (however, might be worthwhile to keep anus around, as the whole back-package is rather pleasing, aesthetically.  Wonder, though, is anus too close to the impregnate-hole?  Might be a cause of reproduction-confusion, in the dark.  Probably nothing to concern Myself with.  Can’t imagine it being an issue.)

Genitalia – Make the penis, generally, bigger, longer, wider.  Especially if all waste ends up coming out there.  Reproduction process looks pleasant enough, but will it end up being too much work?  Be a shame for HB to extinct itself due to laziness.  Alternative reproduction methods?  Orally? Everyone’s got a mouth, right.  Maybe I should just drop the whole Male Impregnates Female system and go with something more simple.  What if semen is found naturally, in food?  Ugh.  Maybe I should put more thought into the Stork System of Child Delivery.  For now, it’ll remain as is:  penis into anus vagina.  (that’s it, I’m moving the anus farther away.  But where?  Back of knee? Armpit?  Where the bellybutton currently is seems like a logical place, why haven’t I thought of that before?  Shitting out of the stomach seems like the perfect solution, but what trouble-points am I missing? What’s the purpose of the bellybutton anyway?… man, there’s a lot of work still to be done before this goes Final Version)


Sidney said...

Well God, yet again I take issue with some of your ideas. I have been accused, on more than one occassion, of being "such a girl" and while I don't fully comprehend what this means, I do know that it means that I enjoy drinking daintily from cups with my baby finger delicately hovering in mid air. So I would invite you to please leave my baby finger alone.
Also, I thought it was the reverse. I thought it took fewer muscles to smile. Plus, if you mess with all those facial features what will happen to the non verbal communication we love so much.
I do, however, fully support the idea of a tongue in the pants. Bring it on.

Rob said...

Yeah, the tongue in the pants thing probably has legs.
As for smiling/frowning muscles, there is debate but this may back up the data that God was using in his analysis (although doesn't explain his "so many more" notion. Perhaps he made some alterations since that writing?):
Muscles involved in a "zygomatic" (i.e., genuine) smile:
Zygomaticus major and minor. These muscles pull up the corners of the mouth. They're bilateral (one set on either side of the face). Total number of muscles: 4.
Orbicularis oculi. One of these muscles encircles each eye and causes crinkling. Total: 2.
Levator labii superioris. Pulls up corner of lip and nose. Bilateral. Total: 2.
Levator anguli oris. Also helps elevate angle of mouth. Bilateral. Total: 2.
Risorius. Pulls corner of mouth to the side. Bilateral. Total: 2.
Grand total for smiling: 12.
Principal muscles involved in a frown:
Orbicularis oculi (again). Total: 2.
Platysma. Pulls down lips and wrinkles skin of lower face. Bilateral (though joined at midline). Total: 2.
Corrugator supercilii (bilateral) and procerus (unilateral). Furrow brow. Total: 3.
Orbicularis oris. Encircles mouth; purses lips. Unilateral. Total: 1.
Mentalis. Depresses lower lip. Unilateral. Total: 1.
Depressor anguli oris. Pulls corner of mouth down. Bilateral. Total: 2.
Grand total for frowning: 11.