That's Why I Love This Province

I think it was in the last year of Annekenstein, maybe the year before, I'm guessing '96 or '97, but definitely one of the two Myron's years, that I wrote this song, for the show. It was when the "Anne" license plates were new, and we wrote a sketch about a guy going to the DoH to get a new license plate and getting irate when he was told he'd have to take an Anne plate. He then went into a diatribe about all the things he hated about Prince Edward Island.

It was right after that sketch, I think, that we went into this song, called (This Province Called) Prince Edward Island (3.4mb).

The female voice is that of my wife. She has a fantastic, angelic voice, believe me. If I recall correctly, though, for this recording, she reluctantly agreed to sing along, even though she didn't really know the words or the melody very well. I think she was given one take, maybe two, to lay her track down (with my pathetic attempts at harmony to deal with at the same time), before I decided it was good enough and I moved on to another song. Now, I am in no way implying her singing isn't good here, because I think it's great, and she could out-sing me in a snot-storm, but I do feel it necessary to acknowledge that the recording process that I was employing doesn't do her justice.

The lyrics are below. The song was kind of timely for 1996-7, so some of the elements no longer are relevant. Still, I think it's a fun song, with some funny lines. And the recording is almost bearable.

The Lyrics:

(This Province Called) Prince Edward Island

Oh no they

won’t let you buy carbonated pop in cans

Beer sold in tin coverings is strictly banned

The law was lobbied for by Rundell Seaman

That’s why I love this province called Prince Edward Island

You know you

won’t see Moosehead ads on channel CBC

But you can watch them on the other forty three

It’s such a sad attempt to keep us liquor free

That’s why I love this province called Prince Edward Island

Here’s to the Island cradled in the waves

And to all the people living here today

We call ourselves Islanders, yet I feel I have to say

If you were not born here, you are from away.

We get our

news from Compass every night, no ifs, ands or buts

Boomer wears short pants all year, boy he’s got guts

Our favourite segment Thursday night is Roger’s Soup To Nuts

That’s why I love this province called Prince Edward Island

We watch on

Tuesday nights on Cable Ten Bill’s Country Jamboree

Out of tune guitars and voice of Senior Citizenry.

It’s been on two decades now, ask why but don’t ask me

It’s why I love this province called Prince Edward Island

We’re either

farmers or we’re fisherman, or we work at DVA.

Most of us can’t get jobs, but we can still get paid

‘Cause filling out your pogey card is the Island way.

That’s why I love this province called Prince Edward Island

Here’s to the Island cradled in the waves

And to all the people living here today

We call ourselves Islanders, we’re sorry when we say

I’m going on the welfare boys, my pogey ends today.

For years we

voted for the Liberals or we voted for PC

The way my parents voted was good enough for me

I guess hippies are parents now ‘cause we have one NDP

That’s why I love this province called Prince Edward Island

Green Gables

gets the tourists coming here, all to see Anne

We even get them coming all the way from Japan

But if Green Gables does burn down we have no back up plan

That’s why I love this province called Prince Edward Island

Here’s to the Island cradled in the waves

And to all the people living here today

We call ourselves Islanders, it’s a reminder when we say

The first one’s who lived on her, called her Abegweit.

Here’s to the Island cradled in the waves

And to all the people living here today

We call ourselves Islanders, it’s a warning when I say

It’s free for you to drive here but to leave you have to pay

Time To Burn The Log, I Guess

I think it was the ancient asian philosopher and war-monger, Feng Shui, who said (I paraphrase), "It's not how you behave when you lose that shows your true self, but how you win. But in Shii Ann's case, her behaviour is just obnoxious no matter how you look at it."

Yes, Shii Ann is gone from Survivor All-Stars, and I, like many I'm guessing, am glad. I barely liked her in her first season, couldn't understand why she was brought back as an All-Star, and sighed every week when she'd remain.

She was so junior high-school in last night's episode. "Hey, you know Brittany. She thinks you're cute!" Only substitute Survivor X for Brittany, and cute for hate.

Sad thing is Shii Ann will now be no doubt patting herself on her back for making it to the final six of the all-stars. Thing is, though, that she didn't make it that far by any skill or tactics or manipulation of other players, or anything. Not being a threat to win is not a strategy. She made it that far simply because the others saw her as a dispensible piece of lumber. She was the log they all sat on, and when the rest of the lumber was burnt up, they decided it was time to burn the Shii Ann sitting log.

And what a stinky piece of wood she was, too.

Five left. Now it'll get interesting.

Hillsborough Bridge Song

For months now, I didn't know how to delete uploaded files from my typepad account. This kept me from attempting to upload anything, even though I have a large enough storage capacity. Well, tonight I stumbled across the page where I can delete uploaded files.

So, now I can freely upload and delete. Consider yourselves warned.

Over at my for-some-time-dormant-but-recently-ressurected blogspot site, Annekenstein Monster Music (which used to house this very Annekenstein Monster), I've posted a couple of songs that I and my friend Dave Stewart recorded years ago, under the rockin' band name of Chimp. But, since it's kind of an ordeal to get songs uploaded over there (don't ask), I kinda let that practice slide. Plus, it felt kinda stupid to try to keep two blogs going.

So, I'll periodically be posting songs here. A few of them will be somewhat shoddy recordings of otherwise excellent tunes of my own creation. Most of them will be songs by 'real' artists, songs that are currently making me groove and move, and that I think others will enjoy as well. If you feel inclined to download these songs, as a means to familiarize yourselves with artists you may not be familiar with, please do so. If you like the songs you download, perhaps you'll be so kind as to purchase the albums from which they come.

Each song will be available for an undetermined period of time, before it gets replaced by something else, so if you wanna grab, grab sooner rather than later.

Here, then, is my initial upload to The Monster: The Hillsborough Bridge Song. I wrote the lyrics for this song one day, years ago when there used to be a Greenbergs Department store (for about 5 minutes) on Queen Street, where Woolworths used to be, where GNK currently is. I was sitting on one of the curved wooden benches beside the concret bunker known as the Confederation Centre Box Office, and the song (most of it) came pretty quickly. The "Saturday nights" verse came a few weeks later.

As for the recording process, I'll not get into the details (you can read some of it at AMM if you want). Instead, I'll just once again state that, at that time, I knew very little about how to record music on a 4 track (today I know little more than I did then). I also had a limited amount of time to record a bunch of songs, so there was little time for going back and making songs better. It was very much a 'close enough, what's next' sort of affair. I didn't expect anyone would hear them really. Then this stupid internet thing took off, and well, here we are.

My singing on this song is just good enough for me not to be too embarrassed by it (that will come with future posts, if I get brave enough). Also, the guitar playing, while nothing special at all, is about as good as I think I'll ever get. My one regret with this song (and pretty much all the songs that came from this little singer/songwriter session) was that I felt it necessary to add an awful keyboard arrangement which is particularly horrific during the choruses in this song. I think my reasoning was that neither my guitar playing, nor my singing was strong enough to sustain by themselves, so I must add an ugly keyboard toot-thingy. Ugh. As in all of these songs (not to be confused with the rockin' Chimp songs), all sounds (unless otherwise noted) come from me, either as voice, (dis)harmony, and/or from me pathetically attempting to get sounds out of a cheap little Casio keyboard which I cannot play.

GMail

Well, I just signed up for Gmail, the Google empire's latest attempt to rule the internet through providing good service at little or no cost. I was selected for the beta testing because of my blogger account (as, I'm sure, were thousands and thousands others).

My gmail address is sendit2me@gmail.com

Not sure yet how well I'll like it. But I do like the idea of 1000 mb (a gig) of storage space. And I'm not concerned (yet) about the concept of directed advertising, based on the content of the emails.

I'll update my initial impressions once I get using it for a while.

Singing >= Pleasant

It's pretty sad when "better than pleasant" is the best that Paula "I think your farts sound cute, but you know I love you" Abdul can summon up in terms of high praise.

*shudder* I had a nightmare last night that Gloria Estafan was the guest judge for American Idol, and the 'kids' had to sing her shitty songs. *shudder*

I'll tell you right off that I missed the first 30 minutes of American Idol last night. Truth be told, I kinda wish I missed the whole thing. My god, how bland. Still, I'll critique the first three performers, even though I didn't see them. Except for the brief 4 second recap at the end of the show.

First up:

Jennifer Hudson...No wait. She got voted out of the competition. Before Crooner John.

First up, Fantasia...another upbeat number, forcing audience participation. I'm guessing her voice irritated those who don't like her, and even those who were firmly in her camp are starting to lose faith. So profoundly did last week's vote shake things up. She dedicated her performance to Jennifer Hudson, I hear. I didn't even know she was sick.

Next, George Huff...his facial expressions are getting more and more animated. I wonder if Pixar is secretly behind the lovable cuddly that is George Huff. His singing, I gather, hasn't recovered from his two week slide into uh oh. I predict next week George blows the socks off America. He is so due. This week wasn't strike three. Rather a foul ball into the opposition team's dugout.

Then, LaToya Jackson...from the 4 second recap, I couldn't tell how she performed, so I'll guess. LaToya was okay. If I was feeling randy, I might even say she was aaiight. Wait...just a sec...hyuughhhggh... hyuughhggh... those were dry heaves. I just re-read the part of the sentence where I wrote "feeling Randy". Hyuughhggh... I declare, sight unseen and sound unheard, LaToya's performace Dry Toast.

Fourth, Crooner John... Hyuuughhggh. Let me don my too-tight white t-shirt, red pants, goatee and an attitude so that I can say: Worst. Singing. Ever.

For the love of god, Humanity, vote this schlepp off the island!

Fifth, Hawaiin Girl...batting .333 is great in baseball. But when you only hit one out of every three notes. You're off the team! Or, in America's mind, You're in the Top Three! To be fair, those one-in-three-correct notes she did manage, she hit them out of the park! And wasn't that flower cute. Awwww! Jasmine, you know how much Paula loves you. She loves you enough to lie to you that you have a good, strong voice. Awwww!

Sixth, Diana LaGuardia... I remember when Diana was this >< close to being eliminated. Now the bar has been lowered to such an extent that she stands out as the best of the night? Wha tha fu? My peeps, what happened to the rest of you? Where did your talent go? Oh, right. You've been singing Barry Manilow and Gloria Estefan songs. All is forgiven, then.

Oh wait. Did I just hear that next week's guest host is a telephone, and the contestants will all be singing dial tones? I think Crooner John was practising that this week.

So, who goes tonight? Of course, last week proves that it's impossible to know. So, instead, I'll pee on the computer monitor and let it dry. Whoever's name is the last to have still-wet pee on it will be eliminated.

---

Okay, the pee is still wet on Hawaiin Girl's name, Diana's name and John's name.

---

Okay, the pee has dried on Diana's name, meaning she's safe this week.

---

Okay, the pee is still wet on Crooner John's name. That means the nationally televised nightmare of his embarrassment will finally be over! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

You don't actually belive Crooner John will go tonight do you? Me either.

Heh!...Boo!...Ha Ha Ha!

I had heard about the awfulness that is the TV program Scare Tactics. A couple of nights ago, though, I experienced it first hand, and I was repulsed.

If you don't know what it is, here's a synopsis: So-And-So is host, and sets up each wacky scenario. Then we see someone get traumatized, then they tell her she's on Scare Tactics, and they all laugh.

The two scenarios I came across were as follows. Number one: Some rich guy is, apparently, wanting to hire an assistant. At his mansion, he and another assistant (the grifters) lure an unsuspecting young woman (the mark) into the house, I assume, from an ad. Just as the interview begins, a message comes across the intercom/message machine, for all to hear. The message comes from a wacked out fanatic female stalker.

Guy tells victim not to worry, she's crazy, but can't get in. SMASH! Something smashed through a bedroom window. Quick, victim and already-assistant, go investigate. "We're creeped out, but okay..." They go to the bedroom, see a brick that was thrown through a window, with a scary note attached. "We're even more creeped!".

They come badk in the main room, and see the guy tied up in a chair, with blood trickling from his head. Crazzee Woman is there, wielding a real-size Clue Impliment. Totally freaked out, the victim is told to sit on the sofa, and then to help tie up the victim.

That was enough for me. I switched the channel. After a quick perusal of other channels, though, I was back.

This time, a young female victim, and another young woman were in a big old house in the woods. It's night, and apparently some monster is skulking around outside. Some guy is outside with a shotgun, investigating. Victim is getting really freaked, especially when they see the hairy monster slink past windows of the house. Some Guy comes smashing in through a patio door, glass flying everywhere. Followed by Sasquatch.

Victim freaks out, but "hold on, don't freak out. You're on Scare Tactics."

This is the lamest, least interesting crap of schlock on television today. Bleccchh!

I tell ya, Allan Funt is somewhere rolling over in his grave. Of course, his toupe stays in place, making the other patrons of the cemetary do a double take. Now that was comedy!

That was definately enough for me. I'll not be returning.

A Sneak Peek

Sketch 22, our summer sketch comedy show is coming along very well, thank you. In fact, we have a tentative running order for our sketches and videos, and it's not yet May. How does this timeline equate to other summertime sketch comedy shows I've been involved in? Well, for those, now would probably be the time that we start thinking about maybe committing to putting on a show. So, we're pretty far ahead of the curve this year.

The sketches themselves are in various states of readiness, many are close to being finished, and we have a couple of hilariously funny videos already in the can.

The next video we shoot should be extra fun. We have a sketch where tourism officials are desperately running out of time and are having difficulty coming up with the next year's PEI tourism video campaign. They mistakenly leave it in the hands of a friend of a friend of a friend, who just happens to be a producer of pornographic movies. The tourism video he comes up with is very much of his world, and stars some of his stable of actors.

I love the porn actor names we came up with:

Cassandra Cummings, Dick Vertical, Rock Hardon, and (the best porn name I've ever come up with:) Kitty Glissenpussy

What Number? Please Hold.

Honk honk

Page 23, Sentence 5

Alright, I'm playing along.

From The Crow Road, by Iain Banks:

"A season was a decade, and every year a life."

It the thing to do:

1. Grab the nearest book.

2. Open to page 23.

3. Find the fifth sentence.

4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.

r.i.p.

.

All Aboard the Train of Thought

Today I learned about a big hotel (not sure which one) in Vancouver, that has a dog that lives in the lobby, and it befriends guests. Isn’t that a great idea to make people feel comfortable?

That conversation moved into a brief talk about Vicki Gabareau’s TV show, of which the above hotel is a sponsor.

Then to seeing Charlottetown’s guitarist extraordinaire, Chris Corrigan, on Vicki’s show one time. He was playing guitar for Rita MacNeil.

The reference to Chris Corrigan spurred memories of The Dogs, and how great it was to go to Pat’s Rose & Grey, and to The Dip to watch them play. I remember countless nights of watching Chris play guitar, back when I had slight aspirations of becoming proficient on the guitar.

From Chris, we moved to Mike Mooney, and how he’d stick his tongue out, like a lizard, when he sang.

Mike brought back memories of the band Touch & Gone, and we were trying to remember the name of the guy who sang, and who’d (irritatingly to me) play air guitar during the guitar solos.

Which brought back memories of the Dixon Road hippies who’d dance and float about on the dance floor during those solos.

The dance floor made us think of how great it used to be to go to dances at the old Montage Dance building (it burned down, youngsters). And not just going to dances there, but about how great the building was. Big rooms great for all kinds of multi-purpose arts uses.

Which brings me to this question: Why doesn’t Charlottetown have a place like that now? The ARTS Guild is the closest thing, but it just doesn’t work (except for when Sketch 22 performs there, Thursday and Friday nights, July and August this summer).

"Seacrest, Out"ed

So many speculations about Ryan Seacrest's sexuality, most implying he's gay. If he is, how great would it be if he said so.

Besides that, though, I come to this post because of this quote, which he said this week on AI, after Crazzee-Eyez Hudson got the boot:

"America, don't forget you have to vote for the talent. You have to keep your favorites in the competition."

Well, which is it, Mr. Seacrest? You want we should vote for the talent, or to keep our favourites in the competition? Mean to say, if'n our favourites in the competition aren't necessarily the talent, then we have a problem.

After a couple days of reflection on this week's American Idol, I have this to say, then on to other things: I think the producers of the show are probably pretty excited about the outcome this week. This controversy has certainly stirred up the pot, and even more people will likely be tuning in next week. You can bet, they don't mind losing one of the divas.

Also, when I was watching the awful Barry Manilow song (which he performed quite well, however. Shows how much of a professional he is compared to these Idol wannabees) about 'Freedom', with the video of waving American flags in the background, I was struck by the idea that Americans have been brainwashed into the concept that Freedom=America. I doubt they can imagine the word freedom without thinking of America. I think that's why so many get bothered with them.

Mr. Guess-up

Last NFL season, in the only pick'em pool I was involved with, I think I got just under 50 percent of my picks correct. Of course, that was picking against the spread, which, theoretically, is supposed to even out your odds of winning. So, I blame that poor showing on the smart minds of Las Vegas bookies.

In the first round of these NHL playoffs, I believe I picked 3 out of the 8 teams that advanced to the second round. The other 5 I got wrong. These picks had nothing to do with a spread. These were the teams I thought would advance, and therefore one might assume I would do better than "just under 50 percent". 3 out of 5 right is what I got. For this I'll blame recent parity in the NHL. That, and Patrick Lalime.

In my recent American Idol pickmanship here, on this blog, I don't believe I've yet correctly identified the contestent who will be evicted on any particular night. This week I even failed to identify any of the 'bottom three'. For this, I blame the crazy American public for using a completely different set of parameters in their determination of who deserves to be removed from the competition. I use a complicated formula that takes in such factors as "vocal quality" "star potential" and "talent". America, I believe uses the following single factor in their determinations: "Cuteness"

And, now, to Survivor. I don't do too well in guessing who gets booted each week. For this, I blame clever editing from the producers who are determined to outwit, outlast and out-trick the viewing audience. Last week, I did correctly state that Kathy's fire would definetly be snuffed out. However, I also correctly stated that the sun would rise the next day, too. Both brave predictions of approximately the same risk.

Tonight, I am firmly stating that Shii-Ann (which is Mandarin for "useless tit") will be removed from the game. I was going to add "unless she wins immunity". But she won't win immunity. Tonight, Useless-Tit gets the boot. Ga-ran-teed! (which is Canadian for "I also picked Ottawa"). I am not even going to make a safety pick, so confident am I in this pick. However, if I was to make a safety pick, it'd be Alicia.

I will, however, add an addendum that would affect my Useless-Tit pick. The first time that Bahstan Rahb doesn't win immunity, he will be voted out. I don't believe that will happen tonight.

Mooove Me, Please

Okay, this week's American Idol bored me beyond comprehension.

Still, it was better than that Leafs/Senators game. Grrrr.

Here's a little confession: I like Barry Manilow. I'm not talking about his songs, I'm talking about him, or at least, the 'him' we get to see through the media. His songs: meh. He writes good melodies. But he seems like a real nice guy.

Who was first? Diana DeGuarmo? This was her best performance so far, wasn't it? It's been less than 24 hours since, and I cannot, for the life of me, remember her song. I remember the pee I had last night before I went to bed. It was good, though, wasn't it? The song, not the pee (which was good). "Good" being relative to the boring crap she's made us suffer through thus far, of course. Anyway, next:

George Huff: Barry Manilow writes songs with good melodies. George Huff takes Barry Manilow songs and removes the melody from them. Not smart. Second week in a row, George, you let us down. Smarten up, 'kay. Go listen to some Mel Torme this week. Bring us some of that Velvet Fog.

Hawaiin Girl: Her best performance so far. And I think it's the first time she didn't try to stick a tourism ad for Hawaii into her bit. Do the two relate? Anyway, it's her best, but she still doesn't have any chance to win. She'll stay til next week, but no farther.

Jennifer: Okay, I'm not a fan of Jennifer. I can't get past her barely supressed anger, and the fear of a fist punch at any second. But she did a real good job. However, it was with her performance last night that I started to figure out the 'diva' plan. Start the song quiet (too quiet last night, Jenn) and don't worry about how it sounds. Because the only thing that matters is the end, when the song gets kicked up a notch. Last night, when Jennifer kicked her song up a notch, she did a great job. For me, though, I'm all about the song before it gets kicked up a notch. I'm all about the anti-diva.

Crooner John: As John sang last night, at least during the first part of the song, I saw actual emotion coming from John, and sentiment escaping through his lips. Manilow's advice to feel the song and not worry about the notes etc was working! I began to imagine what John would've been like if he'd heard that advice early on in the competition. Imagine if he was told way back when to sing with feeling, not like a robotic martini. That's what I was thinking. Then he lost it. Gone went the emotion. Gone went the sentiment. All that was left was the wide-eyed stares of a deer in the spotlight. For god's sake, America, heed my words this week, and rid my life of this blandness.

LaToya: Another who utilizes the diva plan. Start small and irrelevant, then turn on the voice for the last 40 seconds. Why is it all about the final 40 seconds? Good, but who cares.

Fantasia: I like Fantasia, but I wasn't crazy about her song last night. Nothing wrong with it, but it didn't move me very much. Forcing the audience to get up for the revival meetin' sounds is like trying to rouse the remaining dead-tired stragglers at a party into having more fun at 2:30am by suggesting Trivial Pursuit. Just...go away! Anyway, good, but again, you did not moooove me.

I thought the whole night was blah. Kinda like a Barry Manilow song. I like the guy, though.

The three to stand on the idol icon: John, Hawaiin Girl, and Diana. Hawaiin Girl goes back to the couch of comfort.

Crooner John gets the boot.

But What's My Viscosity?

This is good to know.

SOYGOLD® 2000: You are a water-rinsible solvent that contains no petroleum distillates. Your low VOCs (4.89%, 43 g/L) has been tested by EPA Method Number 24. You have ultra-low evaporative properties—0.005 @ 76° Fahrenheit relative to n-butyl acetate (NBAC) = 1—and are an FDA approved surfactant. Find out what kind of industrial solvent you are

Don't Know Much About History

These were emailed to me. I find them funny, so I post them here.

-----------------------------------------

Sixth Grade History



Actual Answers to Sixth Grade History Tests

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics They lived in the Sarah Dessert The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.



The Bible is full of interesting caricatures In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree One of their children, Cain,asked, "Am I my brother's son?"



Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments He died before he ever reached Canada.



Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.



The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we couldn't have history The Greeks also had myths A myth is a female moth.



Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.



Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice They killed him Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.



In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.



Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.



Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."



Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.



Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.



Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.



In midevil times most people were alliterate The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.



Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.



Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."



It was an age of great inventions and discoveries Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible Another important invention was the circulation of blood



Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a -foot clipper.



The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare He was born in the year , supposedly on his birthday He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays He wrote tragedies,comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.



Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes He wrote Donkey Hote The next great author was John Milton Milton wrote Paradise Lost Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.



During the Renaissance America began Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.



Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress The winter of was a hard one for the settlers Many died and many babies were born Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.



One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.



Delegates from the original states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died and is still dead.



Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.



Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation On the night of April ,, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor This ruined Booth's career.



Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.



Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic Bach died from then to the present Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel Handel was half German half Italian and half English He was very large.



Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf He was so deaf he wrote loud music He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him Beethoven expired and later died for this.



The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.



The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West



Queen Victoria was the longest queen She sat on a thorn for years She was a moral woman who practiced virtue Her death was the final event which ended her reign.



The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species Madman Curie discovered radio And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

(I Can't Find) The Words

Norman Campbell, co-writer of the musical Anne of Green Gables has died at the age of 80. I meant to post something about this earlier, however it slipped my mind.

I had met and briefly talked to Mr. Campbell on a couple of occasions, the last time probably ten years ago after he had just seen a production of Annekenstein. I was a little trepidacious about meeting him that time, because I wasn't sure how he'd react to our show, which (lovingly) poked quite a bit of fun at his musical. He could have been offended (if he was an ass), but he didn't appear to be. I was pleased that he told me that he found it very entertaining and smart.

Anyway, that's my boring Norman Campbell story.

Virgins

Okay, close your eyes and imagine your interpretaion of an iconic virgin.

Did you imagine your virgin as a female? I would think most men would imagine a female virgin in some form, but I wonder if most women also imagine a female when they think of 'virgin'. I suspect so.

Please resume your daily schedule.

American Idol - Final Eight

Finally, a guest judge who has something constructive to say. Quentin is such an irrascible asshole. I think I’d hate to have him as a friend, but he’d be fun to go partying with for a few weekends.

Onto the performances:

George – Favourite movie is The Wiz? What the? George looked great, but didn’t do a great job singing. He sounded a little flat pretty much the whole way through. Whether he knew he was off or not, one good thing about his performance is that he sold it. I expect a big rebound next week. But The Wiz?

John Paul Ringo – I finally figured out what JPL reminds me of. He’s the normally-kind-of-quiet guy at the university party who, just as he’s had that right amount of alcohol, gets brave and begins to let his inner wild-guy out a bit. Most everyone finds him kind of obnoxious, but harmlessly so, and there are enough that egg him on so he continues, getting braver and braver, more and more drunk. Unfortunately, those crazy wild eyes tell me that at a point later on in the night, he’ll be too drunk and will become arrogant, then violent.

When JPL sounds as good as he can, he still sounds barely in control of himself. Last night, his singing (I mean ‘shouting’) was aiight, and the best that I can say about him is it was a high energy performance. Still, whenever he tries to perform, to dance around, the quality of his singing dramatically declines. Stand still and sing, son. Stand still and sing.

Jennifer – Sister Act 2? What the? A solid, solid performance. Jennifer is looking better and better each week, and the singing is sounding better each week, too. I think the reason for this is that she has started to feel the songs she’s singing. My criticism of her earlier was that there was a wall between her and the lyrics she was singing. Lately, though, she’s been singing songs that fit perfectly with the anger and fury that, I think, is always bubbling just beneath her personality. I predict her first single will be entitled: “Don’t You Dare Leave Me, Or I’ll Kick Your Ass, Lover”

Hawaii Girl – She did okay, but she just doesn’t have the power in her voice to continue in the competition. Simon is exactly right when he says she (and Diana and Crooner John) is a kid trying to be grown up. Her performance was pretty much unforgettable.

Crooner John – Okay, John. Stop snapping the fingers. Just stop, okay. He did a good job with this song, but Simon nailed it when he said the kid has no charisma. Get off the show.

Fantasia – She will be the next American Idol. She may not win the competition (she should) but she will be the next American Idol. Just like Randy said, the best American Idol performance from any competitor, ever.

Diana – When she finished singing, my wife asked me what I thought of her performance. I realised that I spent most of her time trying to think of what movie I’d pick as my favourite, and what song I’d sing. That doesn’t say much for how her performance grabbed me. Through those thoughts, I recollect an every-town kind of performance that had too many slightly off notes. For the record, the movie I’d say is my favourite would probably be “Raising Arizona”, and the song I’d sing: “I Wanna Be Just Like You” from The Jungle Book.

LeToya – She’s a pro. A great performance that was only eclipsed by Fantasia’s brilliance.

Three that go to the bottom: Crooner John, Hawaii Girl, Diana. Hawaii Girl gets sent back to the Sofas of Safety.

Diana DeGuarmo says good-bye tonight.

Red Rover, Red Rover

Okay, I have a proposal to make hockey more interesting. I welcome explanations as to why this idea wouldn't work.

When a player on Team A gets a penatly, Team B gets to choose which player from Team A, who is on the ice at the time the whistle for the infraction blows, will serve the penalty. I say 'on the ice when the whistle blows' (rather than when the offense ocurred) so that the offending team could try to get their 'star' players off the ice on a delayed penalty (to save them from being chosen). This would be a calculated risk, however, because doing so would likely give the other team a better scoring chance before the delayed penalty whistle gets blown.

Any one player on a team could not serve two consecutive penalties, unless the second penalty was caused by that player (and the other team then chose to have him serve that penalty).

The only down side I can see is that so-called star players would probably be in the penalty box more often, more often taking away the excitement they add to the game.

Wouldn't that add an interesting element to the game?

Subservient Chicken

I don't quite understand how, but you ask the subservient chicken to do something and it does it. I've asked it to hop on one foot. I've asked it to go read a book. I've asked it to stand on its head. It did all of these things. I've asked it to play dead and it did have a little trouble with that.

So, did this chicken do everything it could possibly think of, and then show the corresponding actions based on key words?

Go and try it.

Last Night's A.I.

I missed the first part of the show, but that guy who started to sing "Stay The Course", around 9:30 Atlantic time sure sounded off-key. I didn't like the lyrics much, and the tune consisted of pretty much one note. And there seemed to be an awful lot of guest judges this week.

I'm guessing he'll get voted out.

Champion Defeated

It had to happen, I suppose.

And, perhaps, it should have happened well before this.

But my son just beat me, fairly, in a computer game. In a racing game.

I know there have been other games over the past few years where he could routinely beat me, but I didn't like playing them. Not because I didn't like losing, but because I didn't like the games. Incomprehensible games like Pokemon Stadium and other games of that sort. I don't like them, but my son does (or did) and he'd beat me anytime I succumbed to the pressure of a bored child to play with him and his game console.

But this is different. This is a racing game. I am (was) the racing game master of this household.

Until today.

The battle: the Mushroom Cup of Mario Karts Double Dash. I, full of bravado and myself, challenged Cameron's friend, Keaton, to a 4 race competition. If he won, he could eat lunch with us. Long story short. He won, barely. In a sad attempt to restore my glory, I challenged Cameron and if he lost, he'd have no lunch. (of course, I wouldn't really go through with that). I lost, barely.

Used to be, when playing video games with/against my son, I'd play at 3/4 speed, or sabotage my game enough to give him hope and the chance at victory. Sometimes I'd let him win.

Today though. No 'letting'. In fact, there'll be no more letting him win. Ever. From this point on, he'll have to earn it.

As a parent, I've been waiting for this day for 10 years. As a racer, I've been dreading it just as long.

Suhvivah

I'm afraid for myself. I may have actually switched over to liking Boston Rob. While I'm not falling at all for the supposed romance angle, I do have to give him the brass balls trophy. The guy's a playah.

Last night's episode had me laughing out loud and pointing at the TV. The scene where Rob tells Lex and Kathy 'sorry but Lex'll be going next' was absolutely the best Survivor moment from ony of the seasons so far. Lex's hypocritical "but you're my friend, backstabber" was so deliciously enjoyable. I'm sure Colby (or was it Ethan, I always mix the two up) was laughing at that too, seeing as he used the same friendship logic on Lex when Lex was booting his ass out. Very rewarding moment. And I liked Lex, too, but my appreciation of his tactics was dwindling the last few episodes, and disappeared last week when he agreed that keeping Ambuh would be a smart move. Wrong.

That "I'm your friend" moment would have been enough, but as an added bonus, we get to see Kathy cry and grovel. Normally, I'm not one to enjoy seeing people in emotional turmoil, but I enjoyed Kathy's bawling. Why? Because of her reaction to ToughSue's departure from the game, when she blamed Sue for bringing the rest of the players into her troubled sexually molested state of mind. That total lack of empathy was ignorant and selfish, and because of it, I won't miss Kathy when she goes next week, barring her winning immunity.

Good episode, just for that scene.

Quiet. Recording In Session

Another song. This one a Rob MacDonald original. Either head over to Annekenstein Monster Music for the story and download, or just download it here: It's called Without You

Rolling The Dice

Here are my picks for the first round of the NHL playoffs:

Eastern Conference First Round

#1 Tampa Bay

#8 NY Islanders ---> Even though some slag them for being atop the worst division in the East, and therefore not really deserving of the top spot overall, Tampa Bay will have little trouble with NYI, who deserve their #8 spot. Tampa Bay in 5

#2 Boston

#7 Montreal ---> This is going to be a close series. Both teams have the same number of regular season wins, Boston has a bunch more ties. I don't know if that's relevant. The Bruins will go physical, and the Habs will try to play a speed game, forgoing their usual defensive strategy. Since, being a Habs fan, it's impossible for me to type "Boston" more than 3 times in a post, I've got to say: Montreal in 7 Really, though: Boston in 6

#3 Philadelphia

#6 New Jersey ---> Philadelphia's goaltending will let them down (again). New Jersey's goaltending will propel them forwards (again). That's all that needs to be said about this series. New Jersey in 6

#4 Toronto

#5 Ottawa ---> Another hell of a series. The question is: Can Ottawa overcome their playoff woes? I say yes. Some will say Toronto's age won't affect them until at least the second round. I say it shows up mid-way through this round, and goaltending won't be enough to keep them victorious. Ottawa in 6

Western Conference First Round

#1 Detroit

#8 Nashville ---> The easy thing to do is to say Detroit, easily. The brave thing is to go with Nashville. Everyone who knows me, knows I'm easy. Not brave. This is simple: Detroit in 5

#2 San Jose

#7 St Louis ---> St. Louis fought long and hard to get into the playoffs. Now that they're in, there will be an inevitable momentary sigh of relief. The Sharks will pounce on that, and won't let up. San Jose in 5

#3 Vancouver

#6 Calgary ---> This could be a tough series too. I think Vancouver has sufficiently removed themselves from the Bertuzzi thing and are playing good hockey again. Calgary will give them a run for their money, but the Canucks will prevail. Vancouver in 6

#4 Colorado

#5 Dallas ---> You know, of all the series, this is the one I could care less about. I don't like either team, and since both can't lose, I'll say Colorado goes through, only because I dislike Dallas more. Colorado in 6

(Rob[ert])

When I was a boy and teenager, I was called "Robert". In university, I decided that I wasn't so much a "Robert" as I was a "Rob", so I went about losing the 'ert'. Even though it's been over half my life since the shortening of name (even though in my mind I'm just barely out of university), many of those who knew me before the change still call me "Robert".

So, if you're ever with me, and somebody calls me by name, you'll have a pretty good idea of how long I've known them. You know, if the police ask you.

Don't Let The Fame Go Down On My

If I feel like it each week, I’ll post my post-Tuesday impressions of the performances on American Idol. Here’s what I thought about last night’s show, based entirely on next-morning recollection:

Fantasia: Another very solid performance. She’s gonna win AI this year. It’ll come down to between her and George, and she has more Celebrity Personality Potential ™ than George. While it was an excellent performance, she does need to be careful of not relying too much on ‘tricks’ each week, such as ending each song with a “yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, YEAHHHH”.

JPL: Why is he on the show? I’d say “because America thinks he’s cute”, but I cannot believe they think he’s that cute that they’d put up with his unbearably bland singing and foolish stage presence. His eyes still too often give off that “I’m a psychotic killer” look. Can’t wait for him to go.

Hawaiin Girl: Simply, her voice isn’t strong enough. Can’t remember the song she sang (which says something there), but remember not enjoying it at all. She’ll make it through to another chance next week, though, because there were far worse performances than hers.

Crooner John: And I thought he couldn’t get worse than last week’s god-awful showing. He’s just not ready for the competition. While I think he does a good job with crooner songs, he just can’t translate himself into anything close to a pop singer. God, if you exist and are listening, please get him off the show tonight. I’d even take another week of JPL over this lump of sadsack nerves.

Ethnic Girl: Two weeks in a row, now, she’s sung songs that are too low for her range. Which indicates to me that she doesn’t have much of a vocal range. And why does she give me the impression that she’d steal hubcaps? She just looks like someone who’d get into legal trouble.

George: Another super showing from George. Gotta stop the bend-ercise though. The guy just oozes personality and charm and vocal talent. He’s getting more and more confident each week, however when he’s not singing and the spotlight is on him, he still looks like a little boy, with the blinking eyes and candy-eating grin. It’s this aspect of his personality that, I think, will keep him from ultimately winning the competition over Fantasia. Her presence says ‘Look at me, I’m a star’. George’s presences says “Look! Stars!”

LaToya: She came close to the power and wow of her fantastic semi-final performance, but there was still something lacking from her performance last night. She was one of the top four performers last night, but was the least memorable of them.

Princess: Simply awful. She doesn’t belong in the competition. Simon's lack of anything to say said it all.

Jennifer: Jennifer let me down last night, by nailing her song. I don’t like Jennifer, mostly because her eyes convey the anger that’s obviously inside her. Those wide, scary eyes didn’t show last night, which disappointed me. Whereas Ethnich Girl looks like she’d steal hubcaps, Jennifer looks like she’d love to get into a good ole scrappin’ fistfight.

Bottom Three: JPL, Crooner John and Princess, with John Peter being sent back to the Sofas of Safety ™. Despite the unbelievable break he got last week by not even being in the bottom three, Crooner John’s luck surely has run out this week, and he’ll be the one to go, leaving Princess safe for another week.

Another Song Posted

I just posted another Chimp song over at Annekenstein Monster Music. Give it a listen, if you dare. The same 'poor quality recording' remains in effect.

A Thread or Two

There’s a commercial on television now where a bunch of women show their bare bellies, some with diagrams written in marker. I’ve seen the ad a bunch of times, but still don’t really know what it’s advertising. Perhaps if I was a woman, I’d be more inclined to pay attention to the message. Let’s say it’s about the importance of calcium supplements.

I gotta say, though, that I find this ad kinda sexy, in a repressed puritanical mind kinda way. It’s just a bunch of women with their tops pulled up, showing their bellies. But the variety of waists is kinda enthralling.

What I find really interesting, though, is the very last woman. She’s got her top pulled up, and she’s wearing some low slung khaki beige cotton pants. Now, it may just be my imagination, but I swear that there is the faintest hint of pubes protruding from the top of those pants. So barely there that a quick glance would never see them. So barely there that only a diligent visual survey could discover them, and even then, be unsure of what was there.

If it is pubes, I can’t imagine it’s an accident. Is it a case of the advertiser, subtly, so subtly, pushing the envelope?

A New Feature

Sort of.

My old blogspot blog, now called Annekenstein Monster Music is back up and running. It is now going to be home to some downloadable music.

Although it'd be more convenient, I'm not using my typepad account to house these songs, mostly because I don't want to use the space I'm allotted here.

So, if you want, go to this link and check out the first selection. Keep in mind that it was created by idiots who knew not how to record.

Keep that in mind.

Pssst, I Can't Hear You

Every so often, I like to post little tidbits of inanity from my life, for all those would-be psycho-analysts out there who may be reading.

Here's one:

Ever since I can remember, I have always been very careful to make the stream of pee hit the sides of the inside of the bowl, rather than splashing into the toilet lake. I do this because I don't like the sound of pee hitting water, I guess because I don't want anyone to know what I'm doing in there.