Wednesday, November 19

Anger And Teeth In The Modern Male

The following is not a fully-realised socio-scientific theory. In fact, it has only been tested a few times. Hardly enough to warrant endorsement of its viability or validity from the scientific-sociological community. And each time the theory has been tested, I believe, the theorist has been inebriated. Then again, so too were the subjects. However, based on the amazing similarity of results in each test, the theory does seem promising.

The theory is this: Commenting to a drunk man (test subject) about his teeth will cause insane vocal ramblings and violent physical manifestations to emerge from the test subject.

Case Study #1: Test subject was situated near the planted cannon on the Cow's corner. Pleasantries and cordialities were conveyed between the test subject and his group, and the scientist's group. The scientist then mentioned, in a purely innocent and off-handed manner, that the test subject's teeth appeared to be similar in size and stature to the teeth of actor Gary Busey. Test subject appeared not to recognise the Busey name, yet still became overwrought with fury and anger at the very idea. Subject's flailings arms and legs were, fortunately, subdued by subject's clique. Not so subdued were the subjects threats of violence to scientist as scientist continued his way to The Dip.

Case Study #2: Test subject was encountered on sidewalk outside the establishment known formerly as "The Playhouse". After pleasantries and cordialities were conveyed between the test subject and his group, and the scientist's group, the subject's group began to cross the street to where the Petro-Can station is situated. At some point in this crossing, the scientist mentioned, again in a purely innocent and unprovoking manner, that the test subject had "Tignish Teeth". There was a momentary lull in the experiment as the very concept of "Tignish Teeth" took its time to sink in. By the time the test subject made it across the street, it was presumed by members of his clique that "Tignish Teeth" is likely an insult. Upon hearing this, the subject was overcome with fury and anger and began to wildly flail his arms, legs, and limited vocabulary. Attempts by scientist to explain the definition of "Tignish Teeth" only seemed to infuirate the test subject even more, to the point where he was seemingly frothing at the mouth as he was loaded into the cab of his clique's pickup.

Even though this theory is yet only a theory, please be careful when out clubbing. Do not comment on a drunk man's teeth, no matter how innocent and innocuous you believe your comment to be.

1 comment:

robert paterson said...

many years ago in New York, an English friend spotted a drunk local in what was then the pinnacle of sartorial spendour - the double knit leisure suit. "You must tell me the name of your tailor" he sluured to the local. "Why" the local slurred back. "So I can avoid him" - Neither clique was able to control the ensuing battle which lead to my friend being quite badly beaten. The local was a Marine on leave from Vietnam