It's pretty sad when "better than pleasant" is the best that Paula "I think your farts sound cute, but you know I love you" Abdul can summon up in terms of high praise.
*shudder* I had a nightmare last night that Gloria Estafan was the guest judge for American Idol, and the 'kids' had to sing her shitty songs. *shudder*
I'll tell you right off that I missed the first 30 minutes of American Idol last night. Truth be told, I kinda wish I missed the whole thing. My god, how bland. Still, I'll critique the first three performers, even though I didn't see them. Except for the brief 4 second recap at the end of the show.
Jennifer Hudson...No wait. She got voted out of the competition. Before Crooner John.
First up, Fantasia...another upbeat number, forcing audience participation. I'm guessing her voice irritated those who don't like her, and even those who were firmly in her camp are starting to lose faith. So profoundly did last week's vote shake things up. She dedicated her performance to Jennifer Hudson, I hear. I didn't even know she was sick.
Next, George Huff...his facial expressions are getting more and more animated. I wonder if Pixar is secretly behind the lovable cuddly that is George Huff. His singing, I gather, hasn't recovered from his two week slide into uh oh. I predict next week George blows the socks off America. He is so due. This week wasn't strike three. Rather a foul ball into the opposition team's dugout.
Then, LaToya Jackson...from the 4 second recap, I couldn't tell how she performed, so I'll guess. LaToya was okay. If I was feeling randy, I might even say she was aaiight. Wait...just a sec...hyuughhhggh... hyuughhggh... those were dry heaves. I just re-read the part of the sentence where I wrote "feeling Randy". Hyuughhggh... I declare, sight unseen and sound unheard, LaToya's performace Dry Toast.
Fourth, Crooner John... Hyuuughhggh. Let me don my too-tight white t-shirt, red pants, goatee and an attitude so that I can say: Worst. Singing. Ever.
For the love of god, Humanity, vote this schlepp off the island!
Fifth, Hawaiin Girl...batting .333 is great in baseball. But when you only hit one out of every three notes. You're off the team! Or, in America's mind, You're in the Top Three! To be fair, those one-in-three-correct notes she did manage, she hit them out of the park! And wasn't that flower cute. Awwww! Jasmine, you know how much Paula loves you. She loves you enough to lie to you that you have a good, strong voice. Awwww!
Sixth, Diana LaGuardia... I remember when Diana was this >< close to being eliminated. Now the bar has been lowered to such an extent that she stands out as the best of the night? Wha tha fu? My peeps, what happened to the rest of you? Where did your talent go? Oh, right. You've been singing Barry Manilow and Gloria Estefan songs. All is forgiven, then.
Oh wait. Did I just hear that next week's guest host is a telephone, and the contestants will all be singing dial tones? I think Crooner John was practising that this week.
So, who goes tonight? Of course, last week proves that it's impossible to know. So, instead, I'll pee on the computer monitor and let it dry. Whoever's name is the last to have still-wet pee on it will be eliminated.
Okay, the pee is still wet on Hawaiin Girl's name, Diana's name and John's name.
Okay, the pee has dried on Diana's name, meaning she's safe this week.
Okay, the pee is still wet on Crooner John's name. That means the nationally televised nightmare of his embarrassment will finally be over! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!
You don't actually belive Crooner John will go tonight do you? Me either.