Dear Hollywood: Ghost Car

Have we got a show for you!!  This is a TV show.  A series.  It's called Ghost Car.  I know, awesome, eh?!?  

Ghost Car.  

I can't believe it hasn't been used yet.  Dave S and I came up with it on one of our semi-regular luncheons.  Yes, from the people that brought you Uncle Penelope Jones and Starr Gaudet bring you Ghost Car!!

Here's the premise - still a work-in-progress, so lots of room for additions, suggestions, etc. (the premise from my POV as I remember it.  Dave S might have another vision): A 70's or 80's style TV procedural - think "Rockford Files meets Streets of San Fransisco meets Miami Vice - and every city in between!".  Two guys help solve the Crime/Story of the Week.  Private detectives, beloved AND behated by various members of the police department.  One is a Man's Man - (maybe a former cop?) older, been around the block a few times, stuck in his ways, brusk, bristly, hardened exterior, softy inside (when he lets it slip).  The other is the young hotshot.  Sarcastic, headstrong, full of himself, sophmoric.  These two guys butt heads as often as not, but it's obvious they have a respect and fondness for each other.

Thing is:  They Are DEAD!  Yep.  Ghosts.  Both died in a tragic automobile accident while they were about to solve The Big Crime Back In The Day.  (Backstory, told in flashback in pilot and/or opening credits)  

Only thing is, when they died, they had unfinished business to take care of, so now they are forced to remain on Earth as ghosts - Spectral Dicks, if you will, until the unfinished business gets resolved.  Unfinished business deals with the local crime syndicate - the same people that caused them to die - and can be spread out over the course of the series, as an ongoing storyline, along with the weekly one-off stories.  (Spectral Dicks can be the name of the show if it gets picked up by a cable company like FX or something)

Each episode, they tool around the city in their ghost car (literally, a ghost car), a sweet American muscle-machine ride, and discover untoward events happening in nefarious locales.  They forward this information, through ghostly means, to an up-and-coming police officer. (Maybe her aunt is a crazy psychic?)  Did we mention, the police officer is a SHE, and she is sexy-tough-sweet.  She's the only one who can see them, I don't know...??? We can figure that stuff out later, Hollywood.  Anyway, each episode, SHE solves the case with the help/interference of Ghost Car.  Yes, interference as much as help.  See, it's not easy to navigate this plane when you're ghosts, so their attempts to help can get pretty "out there" and oftentimes as not, backfire on them.

What's important is this:  We have a seriously awesome name for a TV show.  We've got a hot young female lead.  We've got a hot young actor in another lead.  We've got a respected older actor in a third lead role.  And we've got the hilarious young ethnic comic in a secondary role (forgot to mention this, because it just came to me, but SHE is not the only one who sees the Spectral Dicks - they're also seen by the homeless guy who says funny stuff and nobody ever believes him when he says he sees the ghost cops.  He, therefore, refers to them as The Snuffleupafuzz).  We've got some seriously cool wheels for them to drive around in and perform wicked stunts.

You can set it in the 70's if you want, 80's, today, I don't care.

Ghost Car - it's a Guaranteed Hit!!

Dear Hollywood: Ghost Car

Have we got a show for you!!  This is a TV show.  A series.  It's called Ghost Car.  I know, awesome, eh?!?  

Ghost Car.  

I can't believe it hasn't been used yet.  Dave S and I came up with it on one of our semi-regular luncheons.  Yes, from the people that brought you Uncle Penelope Jones and Starr Gaudet bring you Ghost Car!!

Here's the premise - still a work-in-progress, so lots of room for additions, suggestions, etc. (the premise from my POV as I remember it.  Dave S might have another vision): A 70's or 80's style TV procedural - think "Rockford Files meets Streets of San Fransisco meets Miami Vice - and every city in between!".  Two guys help solve the Crime/Story of the Week.  Private detectives, beloved AND behated by various members of the police department.  One is a Man's Man - (maybe a former cop?) older, been around the block a few times, stuck in his ways, brusk, bristly, hardened exterior, softy inside (when he lets it slip).  The other is the young hotshot.  Sarcastic, headstrong, full of himself, sophmoric.  These two guys butt heads as often as not, but it's obvious they have a respect and fondness for each other.

Thing is:  They Are DEAD!  Yep.  Ghosts.  Both died in a tragic automobile accident while they were about to solve The Big Crime Back In The Day.  (Backstory, told in flashback in pilot and/or opening credits)  

Only thing is, when they died, they had unfinished business to take care of, so now they are forced to remain on Earth as ghosts - Spectral Dicks, if you will, until the unfinished business gets resolved.  Unfinished business deals with the local crime syndicate - the same people that caused them to die - and can be spread out over the course of the series, as an ongoing storyline, along with the weekly one-off stories.  (Spectral Dicks can be the name of the show if it gets picked up by a cable company like FX or something)

Each episode, they tool around the city in their ghost car (literally, a ghost car), a sweet American muscle-machine ride, and discover untoward events happening in nefarious locales.  They forward this information, through ghostly means, to an up-and-coming police officer. (Maybe her aunt is a crazy psychic?)  Did we mention, the police officer is a SHE, and she is sexy-tough-sweet.  She's the only one who can see them, I don't know...??? We can figure that stuff out later, Hollywood.  Anyway, each episode, SHE solves the case with the help/interference of Ghost Car.  Yes, interference as much as help.  See, it's not easy to navigate this plane when you're ghosts, so their attempts to help can get pretty "out there" and oftentimes as not, backfire on them.

What's important is this:  We have a seriously awesome name for a TV show.  We've got a hot young female lead.  We've got a hot young actor in another lead.  We've got a respected older actor in a third lead role.  And we've got the hilarious young ethnic comic in a secondary role (forgot to mention this, because it just came to me, but SHE is not the only one who sees the Spectral Dicks - they're also seen by the homeless guy who says funny stuff and nobody ever believes him when he says he sees the ghost cops.  He, therefore, refers to them as The Snuffleupafuzz).  We've got some seriously cool wheels for them to drive around in and perform wicked stunts.

You can set it in the 70's if you want, 80's, today, I don't care.

Ghost Car - it's a Guaranteed Hit!!

3 Awesome Things In This Photo

Can you find any awesome things in this photo:

Here are my three awesome things found in this photo:

1. The dude is defying gravity.  Gravity defiance is special enough, but for a dude this size... <applause>

2. Dude is channeling the ghost of Rodney Dangerfield.  Seriously, look at his face.  Plus the "no respect" tie.

3. Quick access to his junk, terrific for drive-by urinalizing.  Did that rip just happen during this event, or has it been there for some time?  Question needs answering.

4. (bonus) The stellar powerpoint, or whatever it is, on the projection on the wall.  Any ideas on what it's about?

If you can't add any more awesome things about this photo (like the dude's insane Don Johnson hair), perhaps you could write a short introductory play-let as to how these guys got to this moment that is frozen eternally.

Something like:

Skinny Dude:  Dude, this powerpoint or whatever it is is lame squared.  Let's up the party!

Heavy Dude (running and jumping): Karate chop kick!!

Skinny Dude:  Dude, you're defying gravity!

3 Awesome Things In This Photo

Can you find any awesome things in this photo:

Here are my three awesome things found in this photo:

1. The dude is defying gravity.  Gravity defiance is special enough, but for a dude this size... <applause>

2. Dude is channeling the ghost of Rodney Dangerfield.  Seriously, look at his face.  Plus the "no respect" tie.

3. Quick access to his junk, terrific for drive-by urinalizing.  Did that rip just happen during this event, or has it been there for some time?  Question needs answering.

4. (bonus) The stellar powerpoint, or whatever it is, on the projection on the wall.  Any ideas on what it's about?

If you can't add any more awesome things about this photo (like the dude's insane Don Johnson hair), perhaps you could write a short introductory play-let as to how these guys got to this moment that is frozen eternally.

Something like:

Skinny Dude:  Dude, this powerpoint or whatever it is is lame squared.  Let's up the party!

Heavy Dude (running and jumping): Karate chop kick!!

Skinny Dude:  Dude, you're defying gravity!

Dear Hollywood: NBC Mystery Movie Revamp

Okay, NBC, here's a free idea for you:  Revamp the NBC Mystery Movie series.  There you go, NBC.  You're welcome.

For those of you NBC Bigwigs who don't know, the NBC Mystery Movie ran in the early-mid 1970s, and was a weekly series of recurring/rotating programs, most notably Columbo starring Peter Falk, McCloud starring Dennis Weaver, and McMillan and Wife starring Rock Hudson and Susan St. James.  There were other, lesser, series throughout the run, but these three were the major players.

Obviously, they'd each have to be recast with today's crop of talent.  No fear, I'm here to assist you with that, too.

Let's start with Columbo.  In the original, Peter Falk played the wily, seemingly absent-minded LAPD detective who always ended up a couple of steps ahead of the Villain-Of-The-Week.  I have the perfect actor for you, NBC.  He's currently a hot-commodity movie actor, but you might be able to lure him into TV.  Not only does he bear a resemblance to Falk (which, admittedly has its pluses and minuses), but he's an actor who seems to have that Falk naturalness and likability.  Like I said, he's a perfect candidate.  Call his agent right now.   He is Mark Ruffalo:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He is, unquestionably, this century's perfect Columbo.

So, Columbo is cast.  Let's move on to McCloud.

McCloud was another detective (actually a Marshall) series.  It was about a New Mexico Marshall who was transplanted (along with his horse, even) to New York City, and starred Dennis Weaver.

Again, I have a terrific casting choice for you.  Although, there may be issues since this actor is already involved in a tv series about a marshal.  The FX show Justified.  I think Timothy Olyphant would be a fantastic McCloud.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Like Ruffalo, he bears a resemblance to his predecessor.  Slap a moustache and cowboy hat on him and let him go.  Can you think of a better modern-day McCloud?

Now, onto McMillan and Wife.  This was, admittedly, my least favourite of the three NBC Mystery Movie series.  But I think there needs to be a rotation of three different series, so I'm going to include it.

It starred Rock Hudson (as a San Fransisco Police Commissioner) and Susan St.James (as his wife).  Who to cast, you ask?  Honestly, I'm not sure.  Nobody is really coming to mind.  The only name I came up with is Patrick Warburton (Puddy from Seinfeld) which is not the right choice, I freely admit. So, Hollywood, I'll leave it to you to come up with new casting for McMillan and Wife.

WHO WOULD YOU CAST IN McMILLAN AND WIFE?

Dear Hollywood: NBC Mystery Movie Revamp

Okay, NBC, here's a free idea for you:  Revamp the NBC Mystery Movie series.  There you go, NBC.  You're welcome.

For those of you NBC Bigwigs who don't know, the NBC Mystery Movie ran in the early-mid 1970s, and was a weekly series of recurring/rotating programs, most notably Columbo starring Peter Falk, McCloud starring Dennis Weaver, and McMillan and Wife starring Rock Hudson and Susan St. James.  There were other, lesser, series throughout the run, but these three were the major players.

Obviously, they'd each have to be recast with today's crop of talent.  No fear, I'm here to assist you with that, too.

Let's start with Columbo.  In the original, Peter Falk played the wily, seemingly absent-minded LAPD detective who always ended up a couple of steps ahead of the Villain-Of-The-Week.  I have the perfect actor for you, NBC.  He's currently a hot-commodity movie actor, but you might be able to lure him into TV.  Not only does he bear a resemblance to Falk (which, admittedly has its pluses and minuses), but he's an actor who seems to have that Falk naturalness and likability.  Like I said, he's a perfect candidate.  Call his agent right now.   He is Mark Ruffalo:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He is, unquestionably, this century's perfect Columbo.

So, Columbo is cast.  Let's move on to McCloud.

McCloud was another detective (actually a Marshall) series.  It was about a New Mexico Marshall who was transplanted (along with his horse, even) to New York City, and starred Dennis Weaver.

Again, I have a terrific casting choice for you.  Although, there may be issues since this actor is already involved in a tv series about a marshal.  The FX show Justified.  I think Timothy Olyphant would be a fantastic McCloud.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Like Ruffalo, he bears a resemblance to his predecessor.  Slap a moustache and cowboy hat on him and let him go.  Can you think of a better modern-day McCloud?

Now, onto McMillan and Wife.  This was, admittedly, my least favourite of the three NBC Mystery Movie series.  But I think there needs to be a rotation of three different series, so I'm going to include it.

It starred Rock Hudson (as a San Fransisco Police Commissioner) and Susan St.James (as his wife).  Who to cast, you ask?  Honestly, I'm not sure.  Nobody is really coming to mind.  The only name I came up with is Patrick Warburton (Puddy from Seinfeld) which is not the right choice, I freely admit. So, Hollywood, I'll leave it to you to come up with new casting for McMillan and Wife.

WHO WOULD YOU CAST IN McMILLAN AND WIFE?

When You're Gone I Won't Forget You

Five or six years ago, I wrote and directed this video for Sketch22's Christmas Show.

It's one of my favourite videos that we did.

When I was writing it, the *surprise* ending came as a surprise to me.  At first, it was just going to be about an old couple and their grandson, out driving around looking at the Christmas lights during the day because the old guy wasn't allowed to drive at night anymore.  A funny, sad kind of situation.  But when I was trying to find a way to end it, the ending I came up with hit me all of a sudden, and it seemed so very good.  It takes the funny/sad idea and cranks it beyond a whole other level.

Anyway, now that I had this awesome sadly funny ending, I knew it'd need some music to really amp up the sadness.  I wanted something "oldy" sounding, something rather melancholic. I also wanted something old so as not to have to worry about copyright etc (although, I'm not sure the recordings I ended up with are actually public domain). So I started scouring through the internet, basically searching for something - a title or anything - that grabbed me.  I searched for hours through the Internet Archives without any success.  Literally hours scanning through pages of search results, not even sure what I was looking for. The Internet Archives led me to a few other archives, and a couple more hours of searching led me to a song entitled "When You're Gone I Won't Forget You".  That title sounded exactly like the sentiment I wanted to convey.  When I clicked on the Play button and listened to it, I couldn't believe how lucky I was.  It seemed too good to be true.  It was exactly the song I wanted/needed.  It was perfect.

It was hissy and crackly, with a definite old-time sound.  Sounded kind of like it was being played a bit too slow, too, which just added to its awesomeness.  I fell in love with the song.

So, we shot it - Dennis and me and Jason performing, and Graham and I edited it.  And the music fit so perfectly.  Ryan Townsend, who was cameraman, came up with the idea of having the camera tilt a bit near the end, as an indication that things maybe were a bit off kilter, and I think that was a super idea, so thanks Ryan for that.

All of which brings me to the reason for this post:  I absolutely love the song at the end of the video.  But I had lost the recording of the song I downloaded, and for the life of me, couldn't find it again.  Didn't know the name of the song, didn't know who wrote it, who recorded it.  Only knew it was recorded sometime around 1920. Over the past few years, I'd try to find it, without luck.  Couldn't quite retrace my steps, and had all but given up. (I had been searching for both songs in the video.  There's also a Christmas song playing in the background of the "looking at lights" montage, but that song, while fitting the video wonderfully, didn't really grab me as much).

Then this Christmas, miracle of miracles!  Cameron asked me if we had that song, and I said no.  But his question inspired me to do another search.  Not sure why it was a different outcome, but after about an hour of searching, I found it.  Well, I found a different version of it. This time when I did a search for "When You're Gone", I got different results, which led me to the different version of the song.  But that discovery gave me the names of the composers, and that led me, ultimately, to the version I used in the video.

It's called "When You're Gone I Won't Forget You"  - although I also found it without the "You" at the end.  Lyrics by Ivan Reid and melody by Peter De Rose. Copyright 1920.

The first version I found (which led me to the 2nd "correct" version) was recorded by The Peerless Quartet in 1921.  It's not as good a version, I don't think.  At least, not for my purposes.

The 2nd version, the one I used, was from an old cylinder and was released in 1920.  The singers were Louise Terrel and George Wilton Ballard.  Apparently, it was take 2. 

So, anyway, here are the songs, if anyone wants them.  Both of them, if you're interested for comparison sake.

When You're Gone I Won't Forget You (video version)

When You're Gone (alternate version)

When You're Gone I Won't Forget You

Five or six years ago, I wrote and directed this video for Sketch22's Christmas Show.

It's one of my favourite videos that we did.

When I was writing it, the *surprise* ending came as a surprise to me.  At first, it was just going to be about an old couple and their grandson, out driving around looking at the Christmas lights during the day because the old guy wasn't allowed to drive at night anymore.  A funny, sad kind of situation.  But when I was trying to find a way to end it, the ending I came up with hit me all of a sudden, and it seemed so very good.  It takes the funny/sad idea and cranks it beyond a whole other level.

Anyway, now that I had this awesome sadly funny ending, I knew it'd need some music to really amp up the sadness.  I wanted something "oldy" sounding, something rather melancholic. I also wanted something old so as not to have to worry about copyright etc (although, I'm not sure the recordings I ended up with are actually public domain). So I started scouring through the internet, basically searching for something - a title or anything - that grabbed me.  I searched for hours through the Internet Archives without any success.  Literally hours scanning through pages of search results, not even sure what I was looking for. The Internet Archives led me to a few other archives, and a couple more hours of searching led me to a song entitled "When You're Gone I Won't Forget You".  That title sounded exactly like the sentiment I wanted to convey.  When I clicked on the Play button and listened to it, I couldn't believe how lucky I was.  It seemed too good to be true.  It was exactly the song I wanted/needed.  It was perfect.

It was hissy and crackly, with a definite old-time sound.  Sounded kind of like it was being played a bit too slow, too, which just added to its awesomeness.  I fell in love with the song.

So, we shot it - Dennis and me and Jason performing, and Graham and I edited it.  And the music fit so perfectly.  Ryan Townsend, who was cameraman, came up with the idea of having the camera tilt a bit near the end, as an indication that things maybe were a bit off kilter, and I think that was a super idea, so thanks Ryan for that.

All of which brings me to the reason for this post:  I absolutely love the song at the end of the video.  But I had lost the recording of the song I downloaded, and for the life of me, couldn't find it again.  Didn't know the name of the song, didn't know who wrote it, who recorded it.  Only knew it was recorded sometime around 1920. Over the past few years, I'd try to find it, without luck.  Couldn't quite retrace my steps, and had all but given up. (I had been searching for both songs in the video.  There's also a Christmas song playing in the background of the "looking at lights" montage, but that song, while fitting the video wonderfully, didn't really grab me as much).

Then this Christmas, miracle of miracles!  Cameron asked me if we had that song, and I said no.  But his question inspired me to do another search.  Not sure why it was a different outcome, but after about an hour of searching, I found it.  Well, I found a different version of it. This time when I did a search for "When You're Gone", I got different results, which led me to the different version of the song.  But that discovery gave me the names of the composers, and that led me, ultimately, to the version I used in the video.

It's called "When You're Gone I Won't Forget You"  - although I also found it without the "You" at the end.  Lyrics by Ivan Reid and melody by Peter De Rose. Copyright 1920.

The first version I found (which led me to the 2nd "correct" version) was recorded by The Peerless Quartet in 1921.  It's not as good a version, I don't think.  At least, not for my purposes.

The 2nd version, the one I used, was from an old cylinder and was released in 1920.  The singers were Louise Terrel and George Wilton Ballard.  Apparently, it was take 2. 

So, anyway, here are the songs, if anyone wants them.  Both of them, if you're interested for comparison sake.

When You're Gone I Won't Forget You (video version)

When You're Gone (alternate version)

Sketch22 - Season Five            La Tragedia del Castrato    Draft: May 17, 2008

Lights up

A dressing room, such as in any theater anywhere.

Il Castrato sits at the dressing table. He addresses the audience.

Castrato:
Alas, my friends, attend this tale of woe.
For I, gelded on fame's throne lately sat
For tunes warbl'd, am falsetto castrat.
Cel'brated by all, like angel's rejoice
Melodies sung on high in pure of voice.
A pre-pubescent stunt, doctor performed:
My testicles chopp'd when not yet tenor
Left me permanently baritone deaf!
Now, my talents unequall'd, fame unmatch'd
Where 'ere I arrive, E! News is dispatch'd.
Fame, wealth, power. Invites to parties all.

Would give't all up just once to rub my balls.

A FEMALE FAN (obviously a man dressed as a woman, a'la Shakespeare's era) enters:

Female Fan:
Castrato! Tonight's performance was grand!!
That voice! That song! A marvel of God's hand!
Forgive my bold, but your fanatic I.
To sleep with you, perchance?  Oh, I would die!

Castrato:
(aside) Her face, fair enough. Her frame most sublime.
What's this? My loins seem stirring their first time?
Could this wond'rous wench so eager for cock
Be the one who my belt of chaste unlocks?
There!  Once and again! A rousing below!!
My dick comes alive for this fanatical ho!
(to fan)  Fan, if by "sleep" with me, you mean to screw
Then bend over, slut, we'll menage a deux.

Castrato bends her over a chair,

Female Fan:
Sir! To take me this way is an affront!

Castrato:
You'll cry affront when I take you a-back!!

He moves behind her, pulls up her dress and begins pumping. After a moment:

Female Fan:
Your thrust's too soft to penetrate my slick.
Would speaking sexy words make firm your dick?

Castrato:
Yes! Yes! Speak wicked words to get me hard!

Female Fan:
Me so horny!  Me love you long, long time!

Castrato:
Again!  Dirty up thy tongue and spew forth!

Female Fan:
You moisten my pool like the morning dew!

More pumping, then he stops abruptly.

Castrato:
Alack!!  Your teases are but wasted coin.
Sex seems a club my member cannot join.
For to climb inside your womanly quim
I'd need a sac in which my sperm could swim.

Female Fan:
Sperm spurn'd?!? Me?!?  You ball-less fop! Prancy niece!!
I've told all my friends I'd collect your cock!
Instead I'll tell them the castrato balk'd!!

Female Fan exits.  Castrato flops to the floor.

Castrato:
Oh woe is me!!  Doom'd to eternal soft!!
Is it too much to ask to let me hard?
To just once grow seed in my scrotal yard!

A JANITOR enters, sweeping up the dressing room.  He is wearing shorts.  A long and hairy scrotum hangs out one leg.

Janitor:
Pardon, my grace.

Castrato:
                    Sweep up fast, Janitor!

Castrato resumes his moping.  Janitor sweeps right past his face, making the balls impossible not to notice.  After a moment of staring at the Janitor's huge sac:

Castrato:
What ho! What part dangles betwixt thy legs?
Envious scrotum!! Oh bountiful grapes!
Were I to wield such a pair of round shapes
My sad sac mood would be forever bagg'd!
(to Janitor)  Good sir! How attach'd art thou to thy balls?

Janitor:
I fail to understand your intent sir.
I am surely attach'd in every way.

Castrato:
My intent is this: a bag-swap proposed.
Your ball-bag in exchange for my coin purse.

Castrato tosses a bag of money at Janitor.  Janitor checks its weight.

Janitor:
Such a grand sum just to lighten my load?
Let's do it quick, before my nerves erode.

Castrato:
Fast, then!  Up the table for de-balling.

Janitor climbs on table, lies on his back.  Castrato holds up the sac and moves the scissors into place.

Castrato:
Oh bright and thrilling anticipation!!
To think that after a quick castration
This wondrous pair will be sewn with pleasure
Betwixt my pegs to fondle at leisure!!

Janitor:
Wait! Might I play them one last time?  Then snip?

Castrato:
Rub away, good sweep!  But do not tarry.

Janitor gets off table, walks around massaging his balls.

Janitor (aside):
Such delight!  Happiness below my waste!
Perhaps my choice was made with too much haste?
Yes, it would be nice to have coin in bank
But what is life worth if one cannot wank?

Castrato:
Enough, Janitor. Let's untie this sac!

Janitor:
Yeah, about that... I'm having change of heart.
With these glorious balls I cannot part!

Castrato:
A deal struck!  Contract signed!  These balls are mine! 

Castrato grabs the janitor's balls and leads him around the room.

Janitor:
Unhand my sac!  Undo your grip at once!

Castrato picks up the scissors, holds them menacingly, still with balls in hand, janitor in tow.

Castrato:
The choice is yours, sir!  Your balls or your life?

Janitor:
My life and my balls are both in your hands.
You'll clip one or t'other as you demand.
I'm resolute in thought. No choice to make.
My life, yours. To Heaven my balls I take.

Janitor grabs the scissors and stabs himself with them, and stumbles around. Grabs onto Castrato and then dies.  Castrato falls to his knees.  Holds up the dead Janitor's balls.

Castrato: 
What foolish notions mortal men behold.
For some to crave things like silver and gold.
Whilst others' desires lean more towards fame
There's those think conquest the name of the game.
Yet all their wishes seem scholarly fair
Compared to my wont for pleasure down there.
Two balls in hand, though none below my bush
It's with shame as off to Heaven I push.

Castrato grabs up the scissors, stabs himself and then dies.

Sketch22 - Season Five            La Tragedia del Castrato    Draft: May 17, 2008

Lights up

A dressing room, such as in any theater anywhere.

Il Castrato sits at the dressing table. He addresses the audience.

Castrato:
Alas, my friends, attend this tale of woe.
For I, gelded on fame's throne lately sat
For tunes warbl'd, am falsetto castrat.
Cel'brated by all, like angel's rejoice
Melodies sung on high in pure of voice.
A pre-pubescent stunt, doctor performed:
My testicles chopp'd when not yet tenor
Left me permanently baritone deaf!
Now, my talents unequall'd, fame unmatch'd
Where 'ere I arrive, E! News is dispatch'd.
Fame, wealth, power. Invites to parties all.

Would give't all up just once to rub my balls.

A FEMALE FAN (obviously a man dressed as a woman, a'la Shakespeare's era) enters:

Female Fan:
Castrato! Tonight's performance was grand!!
That voice! That song! A marvel of God's hand!
Forgive my bold, but your fanatic I.
To sleep with you, perchance?  Oh, I would die!

Castrato:
(aside) Her face, fair enough. Her frame most sublime.
What's this? My loins seem stirring their first time?
Could this wond'rous wench so eager for cock
Be the one who my belt of chaste unlocks?
There!  Once and again! A rousing below!!
My dick comes alive for this fanatical ho!
(to fan)  Fan, if by "sleep" with me, you mean to screw
Then bend over, slut, we'll menage a deux.

Castrato bends her over a chair,

Female Fan:
Sir! To take me this way is an affront!

Castrato:
You'll cry affront when I take you a-back!!

He moves behind her, pulls up her dress and begins pumping. After a moment:

Female Fan:
Your thrust's too soft to penetrate my slick.
Would speaking sexy words make firm your dick?

Castrato:
Yes! Yes! Speak wicked words to get me hard!

Female Fan:
Me so horny!  Me love you long, long time!

Castrato:
Again!  Dirty up thy tongue and spew forth!

Female Fan:
You moisten my pool like the morning dew!

More pumping, then he stops abruptly.

Castrato:
Alack!!  Your teases are but wasted coin.
Sex seems a club my member cannot join.
For to climb inside your womanly quim
I'd need a sac in which my sperm could swim.

Female Fan:
Sperm spurn'd?!? Me?!?  You ball-less fop! Prancy niece!!
I've told all my friends I'd collect your cock!
Instead I'll tell them the castrato balk'd!!

Female Fan exits.  Castrato flops to the floor.

Castrato:
Oh woe is me!!  Doom'd to eternal soft!!
Is it too much to ask to let me hard?
To just once grow seed in my scrotal yard!

A JANITOR enters, sweeping up the dressing room.  He is wearing shorts.  A long and hairy scrotum hangs out one leg.

Janitor:
Pardon, my grace.

Castrato:
                    Sweep up fast, Janitor!

Castrato resumes his moping.  Janitor sweeps right past his face, making the balls impossible not to notice.  After a moment of staring at the Janitor's huge sac:

Castrato:
What ho! What part dangles betwixt thy legs?
Envious scrotum!! Oh bountiful grapes!
Were I to wield such a pair of round shapes
My sad sac mood would be forever bagg'd!
(to Janitor)  Good sir! How attach'd art thou to thy balls?

Janitor:
I fail to understand your intent sir.
I am surely attach'd in every way.

Castrato:
My intent is this: a bag-swap proposed.
Your ball-bag in exchange for my coin purse.

Castrato tosses a bag of money at Janitor.  Janitor checks its weight.

Janitor:
Such a grand sum just to lighten my load?
Let's do it quick, before my nerves erode.

Castrato:
Fast, then!  Up the table for de-balling.

Janitor climbs on table, lies on his back.  Castrato holds up the sac and moves the scissors into place.

Castrato:
Oh bright and thrilling anticipation!!
To think that after a quick castration
This wondrous pair will be sewn with pleasure
Betwixt my pegs to fondle at leisure!!

Janitor:
Wait! Might I play them one last time?  Then snip?

Castrato:
Rub away, good sweep!  But do not tarry.

Janitor gets off table, walks around massaging his balls.

Janitor (aside):
Such delight!  Happiness below my waste!
Perhaps my choice was made with too much haste?
Yes, it would be nice to have coin in bank
But what is life worth if one cannot wank?

Castrato:
Enough, Janitor. Let's untie this sac!

Janitor:
Yeah, about that... I'm having change of heart.
With these glorious balls I cannot part!

Castrato:
A deal struck!  Contract signed!  These balls are mine! 

Castrato grabs the janitor's balls and leads him around the room.

Janitor:
Unhand my sac!  Undo your grip at once!

Castrato picks up the scissors, holds them menacingly, still with balls in hand, janitor in tow.

Castrato:
The choice is yours, sir!  Your balls or your life?

Janitor:
My life and my balls are both in your hands.
You'll clip one or t'other as you demand.
I'm resolute in thought. No choice to make.
My life, yours. To Heaven my balls I take.

Janitor grabs the scissors and stabs himself with them, and stumbles around. Grabs onto Castrato and then dies.  Castrato falls to his knees.  Holds up the dead Janitor's balls.

Castrato: 
What foolish notions mortal men behold.
For some to crave things like silver and gold.
Whilst others' desires lean more towards fame
There's those think conquest the name of the game.
Yet all their wishes seem scholarly fair
Compared to my wont for pleasure down there.
Two balls in hand, though none below my bush
It's with shame as off to Heaven I push.

Castrato grabs up the scissors, stabs himself and then dies.

Charlottetown's Best Car Wash

Get your car washed at the Tip Top Car Wash!!!

I was never really much of a car washer.  For a while I tried to do the weekend-get-out-and-wash-the-car-in-the-driveway thing, but never liked it.

Over the past number of years, whenever the car would need a cleaning, I'd take it to one of the automatic car washes around town.  Parkdale Irving used to have a good wash.  Lately it's been the car wash bays on North River Road.  These, of course, were strictly exterior car washings.  Yes, I could, I suppose, use the vaccuums, but that seemed like too much work.  Just like washing the car myself.

But now.  Now I've found my new car wash place.  Tip Top Car Wash on MacAleer Drive (off Brackley Point Road, just before the airport).  It's run by a couple who moved here a couple of years ago, from Montreal.  They came here to retire, and then found themselves opening this car wash about five weeks ago.

You drive your car into the bay, and a crew of five workers get to it.  They clean the interior (not sure if it's more than just a wipe to remove the dust) and vaccuum the interior, vaccuum the trunk if you want (I didn't get my trunk vaccuumed today as there was too much junk in it).  Then they wash the exterior.  Then they beat the exterior with chamois cloths until it's nice a spotless dry.

All the while, I chatted with the wife, who sits behind the desk.  A very nice lady.  Her husband, meanwhile, oversees the guys who clean the car.  He seems like he's very diligent about making sure they don't slag off.  He appears to be the kind of person who expects good results from good work.

About 15 minutes later, I had a very clean car, inside and out.  The cost for a car is $15 plus tax, so just over 17 dollars.  I gave them a 20 dollar bill and said keep the change.  I'd gladly have tipped more if I had it in my pocket.

It's a great place.  If you want a good cleaning of your car, you could do worse than visit the Tip Top Car Wash on MacAleer Drive.

Oh, and every visit you can fill out a ballot for a weekly $25 gas card.

Charlottetown's Best Car Wash

Get your car washed at the Tip Top Car Wash!!!

I was never really much of a car washer.  For a while I tried to do the weekend-get-out-and-wash-the-car-in-the-driveway thing, but never liked it.

Over the past number of years, whenever the car would need a cleaning, I'd take it to one of the automatic car washes around town.  Parkdale Irving used to have a good wash.  Lately it's been the car wash bays on North River Road.  These, of course, were strictly exterior car washings.  Yes, I could, I suppose, use the vaccuums, but that seemed like too much work.  Just like washing the car myself.

But now.  Now I've found my new car wash place.  Tip Top Car Wash on MacAleer Drive (off Brackley Point Road, just before the airport).  It's run by a couple who moved here a couple of years ago, from Montreal.  They came here to retire, and then found themselves opening this car wash about five weeks ago.

You drive your car into the bay, and a crew of five workers get to it.  They clean the interior (not sure if it's more than just a wipe to remove the dust) and vaccuum the interior, vaccuum the trunk if you want (I didn't get my trunk vaccuumed today as there was too much junk in it).  Then they wash the exterior.  Then they beat the exterior with chamois cloths until it's nice a spotless dry.

All the while, I chatted with the wife, who sits behind the desk.  A very nice lady.  Her husband, meanwhile, oversees the guys who clean the car.  He seems like he's very diligent about making sure they don't slag off.  He appears to be the kind of person who expects good results from good work.

About 15 minutes later, I had a very clean car, inside and out.  The cost for a car is $15 plus tax, so just over 17 dollars.  I gave them a 20 dollar bill and said keep the change.  I'd gladly have tipped more if I had it in my pocket.

It's a great place.  If you want a good cleaning of your car, you could do worse than visit the Tip Top Car Wash on MacAleer Drive.

Oh, and every visit you can fill out a ballot for a weekly $25 gas card.

Is My Husband Gay? Methinks I Doth Protest Too Much

Here's the link.

Okay, so this article got me thinking - Am I secretly gay? 
Thank goodness there's this test for women to take to see if their husbands are gay.
I'm not a woman (I wish!), but let's see if I fit the bill.  (and first of all, I realize that using a lispy "doth" in the title of this post might not be a great "straight" start, so to show that I'm being fair and balanced, I'll rate myself as starting at 1% GAY based on that lisping title)

So, here's the article, linked above, and my responses to each point is italicized.

1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers
Porn addiction is closely associated with homosexuality and a secretive nature implies he’s trying to hide something from you. Be on the lookout for a man who doesn’t want to web surf or answer phone calls in your presence. Texting is another favorite trick used by adulterers. For the sake of trust, a married couple should share everything, including phone logs, email accounts, chat friends and website histories.

I never use my cellphone. Well, hardly ever.  And only for texting, really.  Don't know why I have one.  I hardly ever get calls from guys.  Just my nagging wife, and she's certainly not a guy.
As for late-night computer use - I have to colour myself guilty on that.  But only a little bit of that is for pornographic purposes.  I'm going to rate myself as "HALF NOT GAY" on this first point.

2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way
When you’re out in public, does he spend too much time looking at other men? Is he fond of winking at people? Does he get visibly upset when someone does not return a compliment about his physical appearance?

Any winking I do is a result of my twitchy, lazy left eye.  It has a mind of its own. I would have to say I don't spend "too" much time looking at other men.  Just much time looking at men.  And only because they're in my line of sight.  What am I supposed to do, NOT look at the hot guy who is walking in front of me?  I don't get visibly upset when a guy doesn't return a compliment I give him.  (doesn't say anything about getting upset privately, in my mind, so I guess I'm okay on that one)  I'm going to rate myself as TOTALLY NOT GAY on this point.

3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups
Have you noticed a lack of interest in spiritual issues? Does it ever seem as if he’s just using church as an excuse to spend time around young men? Does he volunteer to mentor in all-male groups?

Ha, I don't even GO to church, so I guess that excludes me from this point. Oh wait.  I do kind of mentor the all-male crew in Sketch22.  No, wait, I just remembered, there's a girl stage-manager in the group, so that more or less cancels that concern.  Because of the almost all-male Sketch22 group, I'll rate myself as THREE-QUARTERS NOT GAY on this point.

4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home
Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home. Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers? Is he picky about brand name shampoos? Does he spend more time getting ready for a night out than you do?

I don't abhor the sweat and smell of men.  In fact, I kinda like it.  Other than that, though, I am overly whatever-the-opposite-of-fastidious about my appearance.  And my home is a mess.  My body hair is as god gave me.  However, I do spend more time getting ready for a night out than my wife, but that's just because i don't let my wife go out at night.  Rating myself 100% TOTALLY NOT GAY on this point.

5) Gym membership but no interest in sports
Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms. They like to work out their bodies without the competition of sports play. Afterward, they use the showers and steam rooms to engage in sexual activity beyond the prying eyes of women. If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign.

Want to know how NOT GAY I am?  I have an interest in sports and don't have a gym membership.  That's the exact opposite of this point, so I am the exact opposite of secretly gay.  Although, truthfully, the descriptions in this post are kind of turning me on.  I'll take that as a worrisome sign and rate myself as ONE QUARTER GAY on this point.

6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”
Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex “hook ups.” They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothing labels. If your husband owns skinny jeans and looks at his buttocks in the mirror or if he wears an inordinate number of small-sized t-shirts, it is probably worthwhile to pay more attention to his private activities.

Lean, hard bodies - that counts me out.  Do all gay men possess lean, hard bodies?  I wonder?  Come to think of it, most of the guys in Sketch22 have lean, hard bodies.  I've casually noticed when we're in the dressing room, changing.  Maybe they're secretly gay?  Next time I'm doing the show, I'll have to take notice if they wear small-sized t-shirts, and maybe check to see if they're checking out their own buttocks in skinny jeans.  Based on the fact that I have a fat, soft body, I'll rate myself as TOTALLY NOT GAY on this point.

7) Strange sexual demands
Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of heterosexual relations. The woman may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on. If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities.

The only sexual demand I place on my wife is that she wear a strap-on dildo and put it in my bum.  But it's a girl wearing it, so that's okay, right?  Rating myself 100% ABSOLUTELY NOT GAY on this point.

8) More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films
Pornography is a dangerous element in any marriage but there are many Christians who feel watching it does add something to their sexual lives. If you have gone down this road and find that your man perks up at the sight of the men in these sorts of videos, you should be concerned. If he selects films because of specific male actors, this is an obvious sign that he is suffering from a crisis of ego and desire.

I'm not sure how to answer this one, because there are no women in the pornographic films I watch. If it helps, I would say that I don't seem to be any more interested in either the masculine or effeminate looking guys in the films. I enjoy them both equally.  Guess I'll rate myself as 75% NOT GAY on that.

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

I rarely travel.  Neither of us do, really, so this point is not relevant to my life.  However, whenever I go and get take-out from the China Garden, I find myself wondering if there's anyone in the back who'd be up for a bit of deplorable same-sex action.  No, wait, I mean I DON'T find myself wondering about deplorable same-sex action in the bathroom at China Garden.  I mean, back room.  I've never been in the bathroom at the China Garden.  Rating myself TOTALLY NOT GAY on this point.

10) Too many friendly young male friends
Someone who makes an extra effort to surround themselves with younger men should raise concerns in any community. If this is the case with your husband, ask yourself if he prefers their company to that of women. Do they touch each other or embrace in long hugs? Do they exchange expensive, personal gifts like scarves or cologne?

My son is 16, and he often has friendly young male friends over to our place.  I don't go out of my way to be nice to his friendly young male friends, I don't think.  I'd say I use just the right amount of abstinence in getting too friendly with them.  Is "abstinence" the right word here?  Doesn't sound right.  Rating: TOTALLY NOT GAY.

11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends
A man who is secretly engaged in homosexual activity with others may exhibit feminine qualities when they get together in a group. In a sense, he has “let his hair down” and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands.

I hate to say it, but I think I'd be kidding myself if I didn't admit that anyone who knows me would describe me as sassy.  Therefore, I think I have to rate myself as THREE QUARTERS GAY on this point.  Oh no you di'nt!! Yes, I sure did!

12) Love of pop culture
It’s quite common for young men to enjoy the science fiction end of popular culture, but when your husband becomes overly obsessed with romantic and feminine shows, that is cause for alarm. Gossip websites, Glee and The Golden Girls are three well-documented icons of the gay movement that genuine heterosexual men avoid.

Okay, I'm getting a bit worried now.  Last point described me to a T, and now I have to admit that my three favourite TV Shows are Glee, The Golden Girls and Gossip Websites.  I wouldn't say I'm "obsessed" with romantic and feminine shows - I mean, I don't get THAT upset when my son inadvertently deletes the romantic and feminine shows that I've downloaded for late-night viewing - especially don't get visibly mad when his friendly young male friends are around.  Still, if I'm being honest, I'll have to rate myself 75% GAY on this point.

13) Extroverted about his bare chest in public
Does he go shirtless in the back yard or at picnics when other men are around? Does he wear a speedo at the beach? Does it seem like he’s purposely standing right in the middle of a crowd to show off his chest and arm muscles, peppering people with questions about how strong he looks? He may be craving physical affirmation from other men and desperately looking for hints of shared desires in those around him.

Okay, I'm back on track for being NOT GAY.  Don't own a Speedo, because I know it doesn't make me look strong.  Does it?  Do you guys think I look strong when I'm in a Speedo?  Don't mean to pepper you with that question, but I'd be interested to know.  If you want to answer that question, guys, you could probably find me at the Shirtless Picnic I've organized for myself and the rest of the guys in Sketch22.  I'm holding it in my backyard.  If you come, remember, it's BYOB (bring your own bare chest!)  Rating myself 100% NOT GAY on this point.

14) Sudden heavy drinking
Sometimes people dealing with an unbearable emotional issue like homosexuality will turn to alcohol to hide their distress. Does your man disappear on drinking binges for long hours without answering his cellphone? Is there a strange odor about him when he returns, some strange mix of cigarettes and gel? Does he cry frequently?

Good, another point that clears me of any gay tendencies.  I don't have sudden heavy drinking.  I've always been a heavy drinker - at least, I have been since I got married, and that's like 23 years ago, so no suddenness about that.  Rating myself 100% NOT GAY on this point.  Easy.

15) Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?
This is an important question to ask yourself when your marriage starts to have problems. Statistics have shown that women who have encountered gay men romantically in the past are the most likely to repeat this mistake in future relationships. If you answered yes, you should ask yourself whether you’re honestly looking for a man or just a shopping companion. Is sharing gossip more important to you than raising children? Ultimately, it’s a question of getting your priorities straight!

This question above is not for me, so I'll not include it in my statistics.

So, there you have it.  I'll not bother going back over the ratings, but it seems to me that it's pretty clear, based on this scientific questionnaire from the Christwire website (and who does scientific research better than Christians?) I'd have to say that this proves that I am practically NOT GAY.

Is My Husband Gay? Methinks I Doth Protest Too Much

Here's the link.

Okay, so this article got me thinking - Am I secretly gay? 
Thank goodness there's this test for women to take to see if their husbands are gay.
I'm not a woman (I wish!), but let's see if I fit the bill.  (and first of all, I realize that using a lispy "doth" in the title of this post might not be a great "straight" start, so to show that I'm being fair and balanced, I'll rate myself as starting at 1% GAY based on that lisping title)

So, here's the article, linked above, and my responses to each point is italicized.

1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers
Porn addiction is closely associated with homosexuality and a secretive nature implies he’s trying to hide something from you. Be on the lookout for a man who doesn’t want to web surf or answer phone calls in your presence. Texting is another favorite trick used by adulterers. For the sake of trust, a married couple should share everything, including phone logs, email accounts, chat friends and website histories.

I never use my cellphone. Well, hardly ever.  And only for texting, really.  Don't know why I have one.  I hardly ever get calls from guys.  Just my nagging wife, and she's certainly not a guy.
As for late-night computer use - I have to colour myself guilty on that.  But only a little bit of that is for pornographic purposes.  I'm going to rate myself as "HALF NOT GAY" on this first point.

2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way
When you’re out in public, does he spend too much time looking at other men? Is he fond of winking at people? Does he get visibly upset when someone does not return a compliment about his physical appearance?

Any winking I do is a result of my twitchy, lazy left eye.  It has a mind of its own. I would have to say I don't spend "too" much time looking at other men.  Just much time looking at men.  And only because they're in my line of sight.  What am I supposed to do, NOT look at the hot guy who is walking in front of me?  I don't get visibly upset when a guy doesn't return a compliment I give him.  (doesn't say anything about getting upset privately, in my mind, so I guess I'm okay on that one)  I'm going to rate myself as TOTALLY NOT GAY on this point.

3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups
Have you noticed a lack of interest in spiritual issues? Does it ever seem as if he’s just using church as an excuse to spend time around young men? Does he volunteer to mentor in all-male groups?

Ha, I don't even GO to church, so I guess that excludes me from this point. Oh wait.  I do kind of mentor the all-male crew in Sketch22.  No, wait, I just remembered, there's a girl stage-manager in the group, so that more or less cancels that concern.  Because of the almost all-male Sketch22 group, I'll rate myself as THREE-QUARTERS NOT GAY on this point.

4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home
Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home. Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers? Is he picky about brand name shampoos? Does he spend more time getting ready for a night out than you do?

I don't abhor the sweat and smell of men.  In fact, I kinda like it.  Other than that, though, I am overly whatever-the-opposite-of-fastidious about my appearance.  And my home is a mess.  My body hair is as god gave me.  However, I do spend more time getting ready for a night out than my wife, but that's just because i don't let my wife go out at night.  Rating myself 100% TOTALLY NOT GAY on this point.

5) Gym membership but no interest in sports
Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms. They like to work out their bodies without the competition of sports play. Afterward, they use the showers and steam rooms to engage in sexual activity beyond the prying eyes of women. If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign.

Want to know how NOT GAY I am?  I have an interest in sports and don't have a gym membership.  That's the exact opposite of this point, so I am the exact opposite of secretly gay.  Although, truthfully, the descriptions in this post are kind of turning me on.  I'll take that as a worrisome sign and rate myself as ONE QUARTER GAY on this point.

6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”
Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex “hook ups.” They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothing labels. If your husband owns skinny jeans and looks at his buttocks in the mirror or if he wears an inordinate number of small-sized t-shirts, it is probably worthwhile to pay more attention to his private activities.

Lean, hard bodies - that counts me out.  Do all gay men possess lean, hard bodies?  I wonder?  Come to think of it, most of the guys in Sketch22 have lean, hard bodies.  I've casually noticed when we're in the dressing room, changing.  Maybe they're secretly gay?  Next time I'm doing the show, I'll have to take notice if they wear small-sized t-shirts, and maybe check to see if they're checking out their own buttocks in skinny jeans.  Based on the fact that I have a fat, soft body, I'll rate myself as TOTALLY NOT GAY on this point.

7) Strange sexual demands
Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of heterosexual relations. The woman may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on. If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities.

The only sexual demand I place on my wife is that she wear a strap-on dildo and put it in my bum.  But it's a girl wearing it, so that's okay, right?  Rating myself 100% ABSOLUTELY NOT GAY on this point.

8) More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films
Pornography is a dangerous element in any marriage but there are many Christians who feel watching it does add something to their sexual lives. If you have gone down this road and find that your man perks up at the sight of the men in these sorts of videos, you should be concerned. If he selects films because of specific male actors, this is an obvious sign that he is suffering from a crisis of ego and desire.

I'm not sure how to answer this one, because there are no women in the pornographic films I watch. If it helps, I would say that I don't seem to be any more interested in either the masculine or effeminate looking guys in the films. I enjoy them both equally.  Guess I'll rate myself as 75% NOT GAY on that.

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

I rarely travel.  Neither of us do, really, so this point is not relevant to my life.  However, whenever I go and get take-out from the China Garden, I find myself wondering if there's anyone in the back who'd be up for a bit of deplorable same-sex action.  No, wait, I mean I DON'T find myself wondering about deplorable same-sex action in the bathroom at China Garden.  I mean, back room.  I've never been in the bathroom at the China Garden.  Rating myself TOTALLY NOT GAY on this point.

10) Too many friendly young male friends
Someone who makes an extra effort to surround themselves with younger men should raise concerns in any community. If this is the case with your husband, ask yourself if he prefers their company to that of women. Do they touch each other or embrace in long hugs? Do they exchange expensive, personal gifts like scarves or cologne?

My son is 16, and he often has friendly young male friends over to our place.  I don't go out of my way to be nice to his friendly young male friends, I don't think.  I'd say I use just the right amount of abstinence in getting too friendly with them.  Is "abstinence" the right word here?  Doesn't sound right.  Rating: TOTALLY NOT GAY.

11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends
A man who is secretly engaged in homosexual activity with others may exhibit feminine qualities when they get together in a group. In a sense, he has “let his hair down” and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands.

I hate to say it, but I think I'd be kidding myself if I didn't admit that anyone who knows me would describe me as sassy.  Therefore, I think I have to rate myself as THREE QUARTERS GAY on this point.  Oh no you di'nt!! Yes, I sure did!

12) Love of pop culture
It’s quite common for young men to enjoy the science fiction end of popular culture, but when your husband becomes overly obsessed with romantic and feminine shows, that is cause for alarm. Gossip websites, Glee and The Golden Girls are three well-documented icons of the gay movement that genuine heterosexual men avoid.

Okay, I'm getting a bit worried now.  Last point described me to a T, and now I have to admit that my three favourite TV Shows are Glee, The Golden Girls and Gossip Websites.  I wouldn't say I'm "obsessed" with romantic and feminine shows - I mean, I don't get THAT upset when my son inadvertently deletes the romantic and feminine shows that I've downloaded for late-night viewing - especially don't get visibly mad when his friendly young male friends are around.  Still, if I'm being honest, I'll have to rate myself 75% GAY on this point.

13) Extroverted about his bare chest in public
Does he go shirtless in the back yard or at picnics when other men are around? Does he wear a speedo at the beach? Does it seem like he’s purposely standing right in the middle of a crowd to show off his chest and arm muscles, peppering people with questions about how strong he looks? He may be craving physical affirmation from other men and desperately looking for hints of shared desires in those around him.

Okay, I'm back on track for being NOT GAY.  Don't own a Speedo, because I know it doesn't make me look strong.  Does it?  Do you guys think I look strong when I'm in a Speedo?  Don't mean to pepper you with that question, but I'd be interested to know.  If you want to answer that question, guys, you could probably find me at the Shirtless Picnic I've organized for myself and the rest of the guys in Sketch22.  I'm holding it in my backyard.  If you come, remember, it's BYOB (bring your own bare chest!)  Rating myself 100% NOT GAY on this point.

14) Sudden heavy drinking
Sometimes people dealing with an unbearable emotional issue like homosexuality will turn to alcohol to hide their distress. Does your man disappear on drinking binges for long hours without answering his cellphone? Is there a strange odor about him when he returns, some strange mix of cigarettes and gel? Does he cry frequently?

Good, another point that clears me of any gay tendencies.  I don't have sudden heavy drinking.  I've always been a heavy drinker - at least, I have been since I got married, and that's like 23 years ago, so no suddenness about that.  Rating myself 100% NOT GAY on this point.  Easy.

15) Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?
This is an important question to ask yourself when your marriage starts to have problems. Statistics have shown that women who have encountered gay men romantically in the past are the most likely to repeat this mistake in future relationships. If you answered yes, you should ask yourself whether you’re honestly looking for a man or just a shopping companion. Is sharing gossip more important to you than raising children? Ultimately, it’s a question of getting your priorities straight!

This question above is not for me, so I'll not include it in my statistics.

So, there you have it.  I'll not bother going back over the ratings, but it seems to me that it's pretty clear, based on this scientific questionnaire from the Christwire website (and who does scientific research better than Christians?) I'd have to say that this proves that I am practically NOT GAY.

BunkerDown is Up!! Sketch22 Web Series website is Live!!! No joke!!

Sketch22 is getting ready to unleash our 10 part web series, BunkerDown, to the world.  Our website is now alive and breathing.  We'll be posting new episodes once a week, but won't be starting until May.
You'll be able to see a teaser video on April 15th, just to give you a taste of what you can unexpect.
Keep up to date with all the latest, well, updates, along with photos, comments, discussions, reviews, etc, through our brand new Facebook Fan Page!  Join today and make sure you don't miss a moment.

BunkerDown - coming soon

BunkerDown is Up!! Sketch22 Web Series website is Live!!! No joke!!

Sketch22 is getting ready to unleash our 10 part web series, BunkerDown, to the world.  Our website is now alive and breathing.  We'll be posting new episodes once a week, but won't be starting until May.
You'll be able to see a teaser video on April 15th, just to give you a taste of what you can unexpect.
Keep up to date with all the latest, well, updates, along with photos, comments, discussions, reviews, etc, through our brand new Facebook Fan Page!  Join today and make sure you don't miss a moment.

BunkerDown - coming soon

Might As Well Make It "Wok And Sea"

So, for work, I was browsing the web looking for some info on this weekend's Jack Frost Children's Winterfest.  I found the info I needed at a site called Walk And Sea Charlottetown.  Looks like it might be a new site for Tourism Charlottetown.  I didn't spend a lot of time on the site, but my initial impression was that it was rather nicely laid out.
My problem with the site is the name:  Walk and Sea Charlottetown.  Specifically, the use of the word "Sea".  I understand that it's a play on the word "see" and reflects, I guess, the beautiful harbour element to our city.  I get that.  But isn't it going to be confusing when speaking the name to whomever?  Aren't you going to have to explain that "See" is actually spelled "S-E-A"?
It's like those parents who want their children to have unique and interesting names, like Lyndsy or Chyna or St33ve, and toss in some alternative-spelling letters.  Then the poor kid has to go through their life always correcting the spelling of their name.  "Actually, that's k-a-r-Y-n, not E-n."

Okay, I just typed in www.walkandseecharlottetown.com and it brought me to the same site.  So, never mind.

Might As Well Make It "Wok And Sea"

So, for work, I was browsing the web looking for some info on this weekend's Jack Frost Children's Winterfest.  I found the info I needed at a site called Walk And Sea Charlottetown.  Looks like it might be a new site for Tourism Charlottetown.  I didn't spend a lot of time on the site, but my initial impression was that it was rather nicely laid out.
My problem with the site is the name:  Walk and Sea Charlottetown.  Specifically, the use of the word "Sea".  I understand that it's a play on the word "see" and reflects, I guess, the beautiful harbour element to our city.  I get that.  But isn't it going to be confusing when speaking the name to whomever?  Aren't you going to have to explain that "See" is actually spelled "S-E-A"?
It's like those parents who want their children to have unique and interesting names, like Lyndsy or Chyna or St33ve, and toss in some alternative-spelling letters.  Then the poor kid has to go through their life always correcting the spelling of their name.  "Actually, that's k-a-r-Y-n, not E-n."

Okay, I just typed in www.walkandseecharlottetown.com and it brought me to the same site.  So, never mind.

Rob's Favourite Movies of 2009

Without giving too much thought to picking and choosing, here's a quick rundown of movies I most enjoyed from 2009.  Probably many of these would get replaced by other names if I gave it much more thought, or if I made the list on another day.

(edited to add:) Antichrist

I forgot about this one.  How could I forget about this one?  The first scene is, perhaps, the most poetically beautiful and heartbreaking thing I've ever seen.  And it goes on from there.  Wow, what a visual, shocking, tormenting, agitating movie.  Be careful if you watch this one.  It will affect you deeply.  If ever "Yikes" could be used as a positive adjective to describe something, it would be used for this movie.  Lars Von Trier, what have you done to me?

Bad Lieutenant:  Port of Call New Orleans

With so many awful and/or boring recent performances Nicolas Cage had lost me as an actor, after being one of my favourite actors during his early career.  But in this movie, he resurrects the brashness and go-for-broke acting choices that I used to love him for.  A pretty great movie from Wernor Herzog with some nice moodiness, a great look, and enough twists and turns to keep it all interesting.

 

District 9:

Simply, a good sci-fi.  A strong, appealing lead performance, and special effects that (just barely) don’t get in the way of story-telling.

 

Drag Me To Hell

Director Sam Raimi returns to the genre that made him what he is.  This is a fun, over-the-top horror thrill ride.  Doesn’t take itself seriously, in the best way possible.

 

Funny People

Suffers from the Film-Making Disease of the last decade – that being:  too freakin’ long!  Otherwise, a pretty sincere look at the life and impending death of a famous comedian.  Sandler shows himself to be a very competent actor (much like he did in Punch Drunk Love, and a couple others).  Good movie, good supporting cast.  Just too freakin’ long!

 

The Hangover

I hated the first 15 minutes or so (mysoginistic, homophobic comedy), until the boys got on the road to Las Vegas, and was bored by the last 20 minutes or so, but the stuff in the middle was very very funny.

 

The Hurt Locker

Maybe my favourite movie of the year.  Tons of suspense, and a Iraq war story that doesn't preach to you.  Had me from beginning to end.

 

Inglourious Basterds

Maybe my favourite movie of the year, for totally different reasons.  So much fun.  So many great scenes.

 

In The Loop

If you don’t know this movie, seek it out.  A very sharp, very funny political satire.  If the phrase “political satire” scares you, overcome your fear and treat yourself to this smart British comedy.  I wasn't expecting much from this when I started watching it, but I laughed quite a bit.  Well done.

 

O’Horten

Norwegian (I think) movie about a train conductor who retires because  and doesn’t know what to do with himself.  Might not sound very interesting, but you will enjoy it.  Give it a try, if you ever come across it.

 

Star Trek

A terrific rebirth of the franchise.  My only criticism of the movie was that it forego with some of the meat that made the previous Star Treks so popular:  This movie was pretty much all action.  What I enjoyed about previous Star Treks (and missed in this one) was that time spent between action scenes, when the crew was soaring towards whatever destination – those moments they’d devote to character and relationship building.  A small criticism.  I very much liked this, and look forward to where the series goes from here.

 

Thirst

Korean movie about a priest who becomes a vampire, and the woman who falls in love with him.  A very good movie.  From my favourite Korean director Chan-wook Park.

 

Up

If you’ve seen it, you know why it’s on everyone’s list.  If you haven’t seen it, you’re in for a treat.

 

Where The Wild Things Are

Fantastic interpretation of the Maurice Sendak children’s book.  One of the things I loved about the movie was attention to little things about being a kid, like when the kid is under the desk watching his mother working on the computer, and we see him watching her from his weird angle.  Or the sense of time-wasting when he's in his snow fort, or the importance of the snow fight.  Little things like that totally took me back to when I was a kid.  Other than that, it was simply a magical movie.

Rob's Favourite Movies of 2009

Without giving too much thought to picking and choosing, here's a quick rundown of movies I most enjoyed from 2009.  Probably many of these would get replaced by other names if I gave it much more thought, or if I made the list on another day.

(edited to add:) Antichrist

I forgot about this one.  How could I forget about this one?  The first scene is, perhaps, the most poetically beautiful and heartbreaking thing I've ever seen.  And it goes on from there.  Wow, what a visual, shocking, tormenting, agitating movie.  Be careful if you watch this one.  It will affect you deeply.  If ever "Yikes" could be used as a positive adjective to describe something, it would be used for this movie.  Lars Von Trier, what have you done to me?

Bad Lieutenant:  Port of Call New Orleans

With so many awful and/or boring recent performances Nicolas Cage had lost me as an actor, after being one of my favourite actors during his early career.  But in this movie, he resurrects the brashness and go-for-broke acting choices that I used to love him for.  A pretty great movie from Wernor Herzog with some nice moodiness, a great look, and enough twists and turns to keep it all interesting.

 

District 9:

Simply, a good sci-fi.  A strong, appealing lead performance, and special effects that (just barely) don’t get in the way of story-telling.

 

Drag Me To Hell

Director Sam Raimi returns to the genre that made him what he is.  This is a fun, over-the-top horror thrill ride.  Doesn’t take itself seriously, in the best way possible.

 

Funny People

Suffers from the Film-Making Disease of the last decade – that being:  too freakin’ long!  Otherwise, a pretty sincere look at the life and impending death of a famous comedian.  Sandler shows himself to be a very competent actor (much like he did in Punch Drunk Love, and a couple others).  Good movie, good supporting cast.  Just too freakin’ long!

 

The Hangover

I hated the first 15 minutes or so (mysoginistic, homophobic comedy), until the boys got on the road to Las Vegas, and was bored by the last 20 minutes or so, but the stuff in the middle was very very funny.

 

The Hurt Locker

Maybe my favourite movie of the year.  Tons of suspense, and a Iraq war story that doesn't preach to you.  Had me from beginning to end.

 

Inglourious Basterds

Maybe my favourite movie of the year, for totally different reasons.  So much fun.  So many great scenes.

 

In The Loop

If you don’t know this movie, seek it out.  A very sharp, very funny political satire.  If the phrase “political satire” scares you, overcome your fear and treat yourself to this smart British comedy.  I wasn't expecting much from this when I started watching it, but I laughed quite a bit.  Well done.

 

O’Horten

Norwegian (I think) movie about a train conductor who retires because  and doesn’t know what to do with himself.  Might not sound very interesting, but you will enjoy it.  Give it a try, if you ever come across it.

 

Star Trek

A terrific rebirth of the franchise.  My only criticism of the movie was that it forego with some of the meat that made the previous Star Treks so popular:  This movie was pretty much all action.  What I enjoyed about previous Star Treks (and missed in this one) was that time spent between action scenes, when the crew was soaring towards whatever destination – those moments they’d devote to character and relationship building.  A small criticism.  I very much liked this, and look forward to where the series goes from here.

 

Thirst

Korean movie about a priest who becomes a vampire, and the woman who falls in love with him.  A very good movie.  From my favourite Korean director Chan-wook Park.

 

Up

If you’ve seen it, you know why it’s on everyone’s list.  If you haven’t seen it, you’re in for a treat.

 

Where The Wild Things Are

Fantastic interpretation of the Maurice Sendak children’s book.  One of the things I loved about the movie was attention to little things about being a kid, like when the kid is under the desk watching his mother working on the computer, and we see him watching her from his weird angle.  Or the sense of time-wasting when he's in his snow fort, or the importance of the snow fight.  Little things like that totally took me back to when I was a kid.  Other than that, it was simply a magical movie.