Behind The Sketches: Stand Up Canada, Atticus Finch Is Passing By

Harper Lee and her fictional character, Atticus Finch, have been in the literary headlines over the past few months.  It made me think back on a Sketch-22 sketch I wrote for our 7th (and final) season - Stand Up, Canada. Atticus Finch Is Passing By.  I had a couple of minutes today, so I went back and re-read it and had a bunch of chuckles and many great memories of performing in it.  It's one of my favourite sketches of mine, partly because it's just such a weird concept.
I figured "why not post it here for anyone who might be interested".

You'd be surprised at how many sketches I've written over the years that have come from (or have incorporated) something said during the many lunch-times spent with Dave Stewart.  We often riff on all kinds of silliness, and this sketch eventually came from something said during one of those lunches.
I forget exactly how it came about, but I distinctly remember where we were when "Stand up Canada, Atticus Finch is passing by" was first uttered.  We were on the corner of Kent and University (by the public phone).  Maybe we were talking about titles for utterly lame Canadian game shows, and this concept popped up.  We laughed at it and that was it.
But the name stuck with me, and so when I was scouring my brain for sketch ideas to write for Sketch-22 Season 7, I decided to try and make that weird concept into an actual sketch.

The goal was to parody those rather stuffy, stiff and often boring (especially to a child) Canadian game show slash current events shows, like Front Page Challenge, that showed up on Canadian television in the 1960s and 70s.

I'm pleased with how it turned out. I like how there really aren't any jokes in it, and how it just kind of presents the weird idea without explaining it.  I like how this fake-example of Canadiana oddly and prominently features an iconic American literary character, again without explanation. I like the formality of it all, the expectation of propriety, and the utter dullness of the topic of discussion.
I expect many audience members were puzzled by what they were watching.  And that always thrills me too.
I love the characters we ended up with, and remember often having a hard time trying to keep from laughing during performances.

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Stand Up Canada.  Atticus Finch Is Passing By.

Perry James - Andrew Sprague
Gregson Oxbridge - Lennie MacPherson
Mary Abercrombie-Pettingcock - Graham Putnam
Pierre Cardigan - Rob MacDonald
Robert Clothier (as Atticus Finch) - Dennis Trainor

Music up - a not-very-exciting instrumental piece.

Lights up to reveal:

Perry James, behind a podium

Gregson, Mary & Pierre sitting in a row of chairs

2 small tables, one on either side of the stage, each strewn with various papers.

Music down

Perry James:  Good evening, Canada, and welcome to "Stand Up Canada, Atticus Finch Is Passing By".  I'm your moderator, Perry James, and it truly is a treat to see so many fresh, young faces in the audience tonight.  Hey, let's get right to the discussion by introducing this week's panelists.

He's Philosophy Professor Emeritus at Kings College, and writes a weekly column in The Progressive Magazine, please welcome back Gregson Oxbridge.

Gregson (half-rises, bows and nods):  Indeed.

Perry James:  She's a four-time consecutive winner of the Lady Jane Pleasantries Prize, and political writer for the Guelph Intelligencer , let's appreciate Mary Abercrombie-Pettingcock.

Mary: Pleasures abound, Perry.

Perry James:  And he's a distinguished non-fictionalist and Canadian historian, who's latest book "Appraising The Canadian Arctic" is receiving numerous academic accolades, it's our Resident Panelist, Pierre Cardigan.  Pierre, I think you know more about our country than any man alive.

Pierre:   The more I see of the country, the less I feel I know about it. There is a saying that after five years in the north every man is an expert; after ten years, every man a novice. 

Gregson:  Quite!

Perry James:  We all know how the evening unfolds.  I'll bring up a topic of discussion and our panelists will debate its merits, pausing at the appropriate times when Atticus Finch passes by.  And it's my great honour to announce that this week, Atticus Finch will be portrayed by Robert Clothier, who plays Relic on the CBC television series, The Beachcombers, now in its 9th season.  Robert.

The panelists applaud politely.  Robert Clothier comes out, dressed in a white flannel suit, like Atticus Finch in the movie To Kill A Mockingbird.  Except he still has the toque that Relic always wears.

Robert:  It is indeed a pleasure to be playing the esteemed Atticus Finch.  I welcome the change of pace.  Today, I'll be in search of laws, instead of in search of logs.

They all laugh politely.  Except Gregson, who does not understand the reference, it being pop culture.

Perry James:  Alright, let's get right into this week's discussion.  Robert, if you would, please become Atticus Finch.

Robert Clothier changes his demeanor and *becomes* Atticus Finch.  He begins to sort papers on one of the desks.  The panelists are impressed at his acting.

Perry James:  Panelists, as you know, in May of this year, Canadians went to the polls, resulting in a Joe Clark led Progressive Conservative minority.  Since then, the government has had immense difficulty accomplishing anything of import.  Panelists, the question to you is this:  Is this government doomed to fail?  This will be a 15 minute discussion, and we'll begin, as always, with our Lady of the Panel, Mary Abercrombie-Pettingcock.

Let's play Stand Up Canada, Atticus Finch Is Passing By.  Mary.

Mary:  Quite bluntly, Perry, fellow panelists, audience... yes, this government is doomed to fail.  Mr. Clark, while a promising young politician, does not have a majority, and we know all too well how difficult it is for even a seasoned politician to govern without the great political machine willing to back him up.

Gregson:  I am effusively in agreement with Miss Abercrombie-Pettingcock. The only question  remaining in my mind, is... when.

Atticus Finch finishes sorting papers, and crosses, solemnly to the table on the other side of the stage.  All panelists stop their discussion, stand up and, Perry James included, silently pay their respects to Atticus Finch.

By the time Atticus Finch reaches his other table and resumes sorting papers, the panelists and moderator have noticed that the audience - our audience - hasn't stood up.  They don't know how to respond.  They recover somewhat, sit down and continue the debate.

Perry James: That's okay, panelists. That's fine. Please continue.  Pierre?

Pierre:  In this country, as you all no doubt know, three times has the government been felled by a vote of non-confidence.  Arthur Meighen in 1926, Diefenbaker in '63, and most recently, Trudeau just 5 years ago in 1974.  I prophesy that the lovely Mr. Joe Clark is about to join that not-so-illustrious grouping.

Atticus Finch again crosses the stage.  Again, the discussion is suspended as everyone rises to pay respects.  The panelists give the non-rising audience members looks of indignation. Only after Finch has passed to the other table do they voice their displeasure. 

Mary: The manners of a chickadee!!  Do you not see Atticus Finch is passing by!! 

Gregson: This is indeed a counfoundability!

Pierre: Vacuus Ordo!!

Mary: Perry, mayn't you intercede on decency's behalf?

Perry James (clears his throat):  I might just add at this juncture, ladies and gentlemen of the audience, please be mindful and courteous to Atticus Finch.  Thank you.  Panelists, you may continue the discourse.

Mary:  Thank you, Perry.

The panelists sit back down.

Gregson:  Let me be clear.  Joe Clark has pulled off an astounding feat. He's the only person to ever defeat Pierre Trudeau in an federal election.  No small feat, that!

Pierre:  Come, Gregson, you make it sound like a magic trick!  Truth of the matter is, someone was to eventually defeat Mr. Trudeau.  Joe Clark was simply the fortunate person to be in the right place, right time.

Atticus Finch again crosses.  Again the panelists and Perry pay their respects.  Their outrage at the audience is palpable, though, and can barely contain their fury until Atticus Finch has completed his pass. When he reaches the table, the panelists let loose:

Pierre:  What has become of this society?  Has a mob of buffoons infiltrated the studio tonight?

Gregson: A gaggle of poppinstocks would be more accurate. 

Pierre: It's the way this generation has been raised!  A complete lack of moral compass.

Mary: Well I won't stand for it! Stand up, damn you!!  Stand the hell up and pay your God Damned respects to Atticus Finch!!!  Come on!!  Stand!!  I'm not joking around here!!  

Pierre:  The wild native Esquimaux have more sense about them!

Gregson: These young ones!  It's the beginning of the downfall of Canada!

Perry James: Okay, panelists, let us remain dignified and courteous and respectful to the proceedings.  Let us continue with the debate.

The panelists sit.

Pierre: Despicable wretches!

Mary: They better all stand up next time Atticus Finch passes, that's all I'll say.

Gregson:  Would that I had my shotgun!!

Atticus:  Hush!  Hush now!

Panelists are shocked that Atticus has spoken. Atticus walks to centre stage.  The panelists and Perry all begin to rise.  Atticus motions them to sit.

Atticus:  No!  Do not rise for me.  For I am but a man. A man wont for nothing but decency.  And it saddens me deeply to see decency evaporated through the emotional outbursts of the men and lady of the panel.  The self-same people who demand decency from others.  But not just any decency.  It must be "their" decency.

I am reminded of an episode of Beachcombers from last season.  Nick Adonidas became upset when Jesse introduced some new methods for retrieving logs.  See, Nick was set in his ways. He didn't like the way things were changing.  He couldn't see through his stubborn ways to see the benefits of Jesse's methods.  And in the end, it wasn't Nick and Jesse and the Persephone who got the big log.  It was your's truly.

What are the benefits of not standing when Atticus Finch passes by?  I don't know.  But I suspect they far outweigh the negative ramifications of not standing up for decency.

In conclusion, I say reserve your respect for men who have earned it.  Not fictional characters.  But Real Men.  And, yes, Real Ladies too.

So, I say to you all... Stand up, Canada.  Not because Atticus Finch is passing by.  Rather, stand up for decency. Decency.  Decency.

Good night.

Atticus exits.

If At First You Don’t Secede...

…try, try civil war.

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Getting Your Kicks - A Tall Hats Memory

This time last year, Graham & Lennie & Josh & Alicia & I were getting ready for "1864: The Tall Hat Chronicles". At the end of May, we were still shaping the show, and realized we had a number of sketches written that would, unfortunately, end up not being part of the show. Some of them were really great, but just didn't fit within the feel and flow of the show we ended up with.

One of those sketches, I wrote, is called "Getting Your Kicks". It would have been a video. 

Mostly because of time constraints (we couldn't find a half-day to shoot it), we never did anything with it. It's too bad, as I think it'd be a terrific little video.  

Maybe I'll get the gumption to get it done sometime and put it up somewhere. For now, if you'd like to read it, here it is below:

Graham would have played Theopolis (he played him in the stage show), Alicia would have been Sadie, and probably Lennie as Jam.

Tall Hats -  The Jam PSAs - Getting your Kicks

Location: in front of a field of horses, or old-timey stable.

Theopolis Desbrisay, his wife Sadie, and their son Jam.

Theo & Sadie in foreground, left.  They are fairly somber and stoic.

Jam a bit in background, right.  He is unfocused, throughout.  (his mind is unfocused, not camera-lens unfocused).

They speak directly to the camera.

Theopolis:  Hello, my name is Theopolis Desbrisay.  You know me as the owner-operator of Desbrisay’s Drugeroceria and Confectionarium here in Charlottetown.  This is my wife, Sadie Desbrisay.

Sadie:  And this is our boy.  Jam.

(they look over at Jam.  CU of Jam being Jam.  Then they look back to camera)

Sadie: We’re here today to talk to you about a very serious issue affecting the youth of today.

Theo:  It’s a dangerous and foolhardy game of dare what’s been sweeping the barns and stables acrosst Prince Edward Island a couple years now.  I first heard about it in 1862. The young folk call it “Getting Your Kicks”.

Sadie:  Teenage boys.  Young men in their prime, daring each other in front of the girls, to see who can stand the longest behind a fidgety horse without getting kicked.  It’s stupidity incarnate!

Theo:  Whoever stands the longest without chickenin’ is the winner.  Jam here wasn’t a winner.

Sadie:  Jam got himself kicked in the head by a horse playing that stupid nonsense, and now look at him!

Theo:  One of the other boys hard-squeezed the horse’s testicles.  That’s what set him off.

Sadie:  You don’t hard-squeeze testicles!  Everyone knows that!  Now Jam is ruint!

Theo:  Now, we might not be able to stop young people from playing foolish games like Getting Your Kicks, but we can make it safer.  That is why, as of now, Desbrisay’s Drugeroceria and Confectionarium is selling a new type of horseshoe.  A safer type of horseshoe. (holds up a rubber horseshoe)  It’s made of a new material called rubber, and we urge all horse-owners to shod their horses with them.

Sadie: Do it for the kids!  Do it for Jam!

Theo:  The Rubber Horseshoe.  Available now at Desbrisay’s Drugeroceria and Confectionarium.  And what do they say about the Rubber Horseshoe, Jam?

(they look at Jam, smiling, expectantly.  He does nothing but be Jam, ie. does nothing. After a moment...)

Sadie (prompting):  Softer Shoes --

Theo (cutting her off):  Hush, Sadie!!  Jam’s gonna say it!!  Go ahead, Jam.  Say the line. (nothing from Jam)  Say the line we talked about.  Go ahead.  Softer Shoes… (nothing from Jam)

Sadie: Softer Shoes for… (nothing from Jam)

Theo:  Jam.  Softer shoes for softer… (nothing)  Softer what, Jam.

Sadie:  Is it softer horses?  Jam, can you say “horses”?

Theo:  Softer shoes for softer…

Jam: … hampoes.  (or something similar that they can believe is him saying “horses”).

Theo:  Right!!  Horses!

Sadie:  Jam said horses!!

Theo: The Rubber Horseshoe.  Softer Shoes for Softer Horses.  Available now at Desbrisay’s Drugeroceria and Confectionarium.

The Films of 2014 My Eyes Have Seen

Of all the movies that came out in 2014 (according to some list I found somewhere), here are the ones I watched (so far).

My Favourite 10 (in a rough order of preference)

BIRDMAN OR (THE UNEXPECTED VIRTUE OF IGNORANCE)

THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL

WE ARE THE BEST!

NIGHTCRAWLER

THE LEGO MOVIE

UNDER THE SKIN

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER

FOXCATCHER

EDGE OF TOMORROW

Movies I watched and enjoyed, but don’t rank as “favourites”

IDA

SNOWPIERCER

SELMA

BIG HERO 6

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2

INTERSTELLAR

FORCE MAJEURE

WHIPLASH

INHERENT VICE

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS

A MOST VIOLENT YEAR

SUPERMENSCH: THE LEGEND OF SHEP GORDON

ONLY LOVERS LEFT ALIVE

GONE GIRL

MR. TURNER

THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING

THE TRIP TO ITALY

GODZILLA

DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

JOHN WICK

LUCY

22 JUMP STREET

MUPPETS MOST WANTED

NON-STOP

THE EQUALIZER

Movies I watched and didn’t particularly enjoy

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2

FURY

THE IMITATION GAME

THE MONUMENTS MEN

THE NOVEMBER MAN

3 DAYS TO KILL

JACK RYAN: SHADOW RECRUIT

THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES

A WALK AMONG THE TOMBSTONES

X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST

Movies I started to watch, but couldn’t get through, so much I hated them

NEED FOR SPEED

A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST

TAMMY

Cameron, dressed as Annekenstein for Halloween

I used to be in a sketch comedy theatre show called Annekenstein.  It ran for 7 summers, from 1991-1997 in Charlottetown.  Each summer’s production would have a fair amount of brand new material, so every spring we’d rack our brains, trying to come up with new sketches, and new ways to lampoon the omnipresent Anne of Green Gables propaganda.

In 1995, when Cameron was 3, I came up with an idea to see how a child of his age might create a sketch based on AoGG.  The premise being the question: Is AoGG part of our Island’s subconscious - that is, are we born with an innate awareness of it - or is it something that is learned and then forever etched into our brains.

So I asked Cameron, who at 3 would have had minimal insight into the AoGG phenomenon, to pretend to be Anne of Green Gables, and I would help out in any way I could.

The following is a transcript of what took place (and is, for all intents and purposes, Cameron’s very first improvised sketch comedy attempt).

This never made it to the stage.

Cameron’s Annekenstein Sketch

Cameron, as Anne, is running around the living room. Frantic.

Cameron: Grrrrr, I’m being chased by a monster! A monster’s after me. Help!

Rob: What kind of monster is it? Is it Anne of Green Gables?

Cameron stops running.  Looks at Rob, with serious intent.

Cameron (as Anne): No, I’m Anne of Green Gables. (He resumes running)  Help, a monster!

Rob: What monster is chasing you, Anne?

Cameron stops running.

Cameron (as himself): No, Daddy, you’re the monster. You’re chasing me.

Cameron resumes running around.

Cameron (as Anne): Help, the Daddy monster’s after me.

Rob: (starts to chase, as a monster) Arrrgghh, I’m going to get you, Anne!

Cameron screeches and runs harder, then stops abruptly.

Cameron (as himself): Sonny and Joe are here now, you know.

(Sonny and Joe were Cameron’s imaginary friends.  They were a husband and wife lumberjack team who worked in northern New Brunswick)

Rob: They are? Where are they?

Cameron (as himself): Right here. (points to an empty space, beside him)

Rob: Oh, right. (looks to where Cameron pointed) Hey, Sonny!

Cameron (as himself):  That’s Joe.

Rob: Oh. Hi, Joe!

Cameron (as Joe): Hello.

Rob: Hey, Sonny, I didn’t know you knew Anne of Green Gables.

Cameron (as Sonny): Yeah, I’ve known her for about seventy-sixty months.

Rob: Oh, that’s a long time. Do you like Anne of Green Gables, Sonny?

Cameron (as Sonny): Yeah, I guess so.

Rob: Do you like her, Joe?

Cameron (as Joe, or as himself?): What?

Rob: Joe, do you like Anne of Green Gables?

Cameron (as Joe): I think she’s a poopy-head goopy goop fra la linko head!

Rob: Is that good or bad, Joe?

Cameron (as himself): I want to go outside and play on my bicycle.

Rob: You want to go outside and play on your bicycle, Anne?

Cameron (as himself): No, I’m not Anne, now, I’m me. Can I go out and play?

Rob: Do you know who Anne of Green Gables is?

Cameron (as himself): I want to ride my bicycle.

Rob: Just tell me who Anne of Green Gables is.

Cameron: I don’t know.

Rob: Have you ever seen her picture anywhere?

Cameron: Yeah.

Rob: Where?

Cameron: License plates.

Rob: Anywhere else?

Cameron: The Wendy’s sign. Can I go outside now?

Rob: Okay. Go put your sneakers on.

Out Of Guilt, I Suppose

On Facebook today, Kelly Caseley posted some pictures from a couple of Sketch22 video shoots from years ago. That action led me to go casually digging around in the bowels of my Sketch22 scripts folder and came across this abandoned script.

It was written for our Season Six season. The one at The Mack.

For probably obvious reasons, it never got shot. Maybe I was thinking it would be an animated thing?

Anyone want to animate this?

Close-up on a bowl of rice.  Dirty rice, and not much in the bowl.

Impossibly long, frail, skinny fingers dig in and scoop up a small ball of rice.  We follow the fingers and rice up, past a distended belly, flies casually landing and leaving; past a set of ribs that are practically bursting out of the skin; up to the oh-so-thin face.  Fingers and rice disappear into the mouth, only fingers leave.  Mouth chews. 

When he speaks, it's very casual and relaxed.  Comfortable.  As is all the conversation.

As he speaks we pull out to reveal the scene:  Five starving African men sitting on the dirt around a cold fire.  One or two maybe are missing an arm or a leg.  Another looks blind.  The background is a poor-as-possible village.

They are all casually eating their bowls of rice, using their fingers, if they have fingers.

1: But you know who I really feel sorry for in this American bailout?  Those poor auto workers who had to settle for only making thirty dollars an hour.  Thirty dollars an hour!

2: Oh, I know!  I mean, they signed contracts, didn't they, for much more?  What good is a union contract if this is the result it gets you?

3: That'll mean a few less union dues, I'd say!

(pause)

4: Well, did you hear that some of the big Hollywood celebs, when they go shopping at the ritzy stores, are putting their purchases in bags from less-expensive stores. 

1: Out of guilt, I suppose.

2: I would too, if I was there.

5: This is not a time to be flaunting wealth.

(pause)

3: Poor Mrs. Obama!

4:  What?

3: She's in a bit of hot water.  When she and the US President were visiting the British Queen, Mrs. Obama put her arm around the Queen.

1:  Like as a hug?

2: That's a breach of protocol!

4:  I'd say.

3: The Queen didn't seem to mind, though.

2:  She seems like such a nice lady.

(pause)

4: Which one seems like a nice lady?

(pause)

2:  Both of them, really.

(long pause as they all contemplate.  5 looks at 1’s bowl)

5:  You gonna finish that rice there?

1: Yes. (pause)  Otherwise I might die.

FADE OUT

Nun's Leggings, Cowboy Chaps, Donkey Cock, and Sperm

One of the challenging, and exciting, aspects of putting on a live sketch comedy show is managing your quick-changes.  Sometimes you have scant little time to change from, say, a punk-cowboy into, say, an old nun.  Often, you barely make it, and are literally are running from the dressing room to get on stage, pulling up pants and adjusting a wig and grabbing the necessary hand-prop even as your cue-line to enter onto the stage is being said.

At the beginning of a run, especially during dress rehearsal, you are positive that at least one of your quick-changes cannot possibly be done - there simply isn't enough time to make that change.  Rather than alter the running order or rewrite something to give you the necessary time, you simply have to find a way to make it work.  You figure it out.  "If I already wear my nun's leggings underneath my cowboy denims and chaps, then that'll save a few seconds" - that sort of thing.  And by the end of the run of shows, usually, you are so adept at making those seemingly-impossible changes that you probably fit a pee break in there too.

After performing 7 years in Annekenstein sketch shows and 7 years in Sketch-22 sketch shows, I have a pretty good grasp of what is possible and not possible when it comes to quick-changes.  In the last few years, I've taken to writing up a list - explaining out exactly how my costume changes need to happen, and where my various costume pieces and my props are supposed to be back stage.

I just found the list I used for the latest sketch show I was involved in, A Very Sketch Christmas. There were a few very quick changes for me (for all of us), but all were manageable.  In the second act, in order to make it work, I had to wear pajama pants under a heavy pair of donkey leggings underneath a shepherd's robe. It got pretty warm up in there.

Anyway, I get a kick out of a couple of items on this list and so that's the main reason for this post.