The Annekenstein Monster

We Don't Want To Murder You. We Just Want Candy

2011-11-01T14:01:00.000-03:00

It was our first Halloween in our new house.

Actually, only partly true. It was the first Halloween for my wife and son. Our new house is the house I grew up in, so I've had probably two decades worth of Halloweens in the house. (We bought my parent's house and moved into it in September)

But for the sake of simplicity, let's call it our first Halloween in our new house.

We were told, by my parents, to expect about 25 trickertreaters, and sure enough, we had maybe 30 before the 8pm curfew. (there is an 8pm curfew, right?)

And two more after the curfew. Well-after the curfew.

About 11:50pm, as I'm just about ready to go to bed (everyone else except the cats had already retired to their bedrooms), our front doorbell rings. Now, if you're like me, you don't like doorbells to ring around midnight, and you don't like middle-of-the-night phone calls. So, I nervously approach the front door. I see two figures standing on the doorstep, both dressed in black cloaks, and both wearing white full-face masks. One was tall and thin, the other shorter and squat.

"Trick or Treat", says the taller one. He speaks with a slow, deep voice. Kind of slurred, but it didn't sound drunk-slurred. Just creepy-slurred. Anyway, I didn't recognize it.

"Sorry", I say. "Too late."

"C'mon, trick or treat", he says. There is no humour or levity to his voice. To me, it sounds ominous.

"No way, boys." I instantly regretted the "boys", because it sounded fake and desperate. I wanted to maintain a detached coolness to the whole affair, and didn't think this "boys" was helping me achievie my goal.

"Trick or treat. We want some candy"

"You gotta leave now. You're not getting anything." Strong and emphatic. Not a hint of the scaredy-cat heart-thumping I was experiencing inside.

At this point, a few things enter my brain. One is that these two guys are decoys, and the real threat (yes, I was feeling threatened) had already entered through the back door. Did I lock the back door? I look behind me, half-expecting to be hit by a blunt object. But, of course, nobody was there. Two, is the idea that both of them were about to pull bats out from under their cloaks and break the windows and enter and do who-knows-what. The movie "Funny Games" suddenly appeared in my thoughts and my brain kind of peed itself. Three, is the question "Are they friends of my son?" and simultaneously realizing I don't know them. None of these thoughts did anything to negate my growing nervousness, nor quash my ever-rapidly-increasing heart beat.

"We want candy." Only the tall, thin one was speaking. This only added to my anxiety.

"You're not getting anything. You have to leave now."

And this next sentence was the sentence that took this whole experience to a new level of freaky for me.

"We don't want to murder you. We just want candy."

You'd have to hear it to understand just how creepy and awful and passively threatening it was. My first thought was "We don't want to murder you" doesn't necessarily mean "we won't be murdering you". It just means they don't "want" to murder you, but they will, if they don't get candy.

"Okay, I'm calling the police."

A few more moments of more of the same lack of ground-gaining from either party. They insisting on getting candy, and me insisting on this being enough now.

Then they leave, and walk down the driveway. I watch them amble off across the street and into the yard of a neighbour. I go and get my cell-phone, ready to dial if I see anything untoward. I may have actually thought the word "untoward" in my brain at that moment. I wondered if this event would warrant a 911 call or should I call another number? What would that other number be?

They come back to the street and walk up to another neighbour's house, walk up to their veranda - I ready to call 911, even if it didn't warrant ti - and then the tall one picked up something off the veranda and walked back to the street. They start back toward my house.

I am so ready to call 911. i see he has a pumpkin. A good sized pumpkin. "Okay, it's going through one of our windows" I think. I brace myself for this.

But then, at the end of the driveway, he lifts the pumpkin over his head and throws it onto our pavement. It breaks into pieces. They wander off, up the street.

I watch them until I can't see them anymore. Then I watch them for another couple of minutes.

Then I go and check the back door. It was locked.

Then I go to bed and try to get my heart to stop beating, and feel kind of embarrassed for having my heart beating so much at what turned out to be a non-event.

Happy Halloween!

Letter To My 16 Year Old Self

2011-10-25T13:48:00.000-03:00

Saw this Dear Me Celebrity Extracts on The Guardian website, and thought I’d give it a go. Not the Charlottetown The Guardian, but the British The Guardian.

Dear Robert,
It’s you, from the year 2011. You’re now over 45 years old. For the most part, only your Mom and someone named Linda call you Robert anymore. Now, people call you “The Situation”. (This is a joke that you won’t understand until you get to be my age. And even then, you won’t find it that funny. Nobody calls you The Situation. The Situation is, obviously, a name nobody will ever be called). No, most everyone calls you “Rob”. For some reason, you decide to drop the “ert” in your first year of university.
So, other than telling you about your name-shortening (which I just did), I’m going to speak in generalizations so that the time-line doesn’t get altered too much, because I’m pretty content with the place I’m at right now, and don’t want to mess that up too much.
So, the first thing to know is this: You turn out pretty good, I think. Got a few issues to work out, but who doesn’t.

In no particular order:

- In a couple of years, if you find yourself hemming and hawing about it, GO to that Doug & The Slugs concert. Won’t say why, exactly, but it turns out pretty good for you, long-term.

- The biggest piece of advice I can give you - and this may fuck everything up for me/us in 2011 - is for you to be more forthcoming with speaking your opinion. Don’t let your shyness influence who you are. Speak out and become more engaged. You’ll soon be going to a party with a few friends at a cottage - it’s the same party where you discover the awesomeness of putting peanut butter on hot dogs - and, I implore you, don’t be so afraid to talk to the girls that are there.

- I know you have no expectation or even desire for this right now, but you’re going to make a pretty decent number of people laugh over the years. In this regard, I ask of you this: maintain perspective. Don’t let anything go to your head.

- There will come a night when you and a friend from university go out, with the intention of drinking, partying, etc. When that night arrives, I implore you... DO NOT drink so much tequila so quickly. Otherwise, your night will end at 8:45, and you will have discovered that vomit ruins bibles.

- Don’t stop playing tennis. And don’t eat so many potato chips. I’ll not say why these two items are together, but if you use your brain, you can figure out what I may be hinting at.

- Start a band. Not doing so will be a life-long “jeez, I shoulda...” disappointment.

Finally, just be yourself. If you decide to ignore most of these suggestions, no problem, you’ll still turn out pretty good, I’d say.

Sincerely,
You, from 30 years in the future.

Miss USA, Prettiest of the Morons

2011-06-20T13:35:00.000-03:00

I happened upon a couple of minutes near the end of the Miss USA pageant last night. Normally I wouldn't watch such claptrap, but they were at the "ask the beauties about themselves and see if they can construct sentences" portion of the show, so I had to see how they did.

Most of it was pretty vapid. And I don't mean Human-levels of vapidness, I'm talkin' a vapidness that surpasses even Beauty-Pageant-levels of vapid.
Just moronic, the answers were.

The highlight lowlight for me was Miss California.

(side note: look at this picture. She looks like an Alien monster. Seriously. This is supposed to be the epitome of American beauty?)

She was asked to expand on her apparent infatuation with history. What is it about history that you like?

She said she really likes history, is "a huge history buff", and is totally obsessed with the Tudor and Stuart era. I thought this was a rather specific and odd statement, but, okay, she likes that period of English history. Okay.

Then she said we can always find her in the history section at the Barnes and Noble. Nothing wrong with that.

Then came the home-run: To reiterate her love of history, she said she watches a lot of TV, like Game Of Thrones and Camelot.

Let me repeat that: As examples of history-based TV programs she watches, she singles out Game Of Thrones and Camelot.

Okay, I can forgive Camelot, even though practically everything about the King Arthur legend is pure speculation.

But there's no excuse for putting Game Of Thrones in any category even close to "history".

(the historically accurate map of Eastern Doesnotexist)

To her credit, she did quickly realize her own stupidity, and backtracked saying she realized those shows were more fantasy. But that doesn't negate the fact that she mentioned them as examples of history-based TV shows she likes. Moron.

Then, as if to re-prove how smart she was, and to prove that she did, in fact, watch programs of historical significance, she said she did watch and love shows like The Tudors.

The Tudors.

I derive joy thinking that she believes The Tudors is in any significant way historically accurate.

I further imagine that she gets her knowledge of French/Gallic history from Asterix and Obelix comics.

I also imagine that, in 400 years, her great great great great great grand-moron will one day declare her love of history, saying she's obsessed with the Julia Roberts era of history, and loves watching history shows like Desperate Housewives.

Rob's Seven-Word Review of "Source Code"

2011-06-13T12:46:00.000-03:00

Starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Michelle Monaghan, Vera Farmiga & Jeffrey Wright

My review: Well-performed sci-fi. Wright's character misses. Pretty eyes.

7 Word Reviews of IMAF2011 Videos Seen

2011-06-02T07:17:00.000-03:00

So, for a while now, I've been thinking about writing up some 7-word reviews (that's kind of become my thing - 7 word reviews. Well, one of my things) of the videos I saw at this year's Island Media Arts Festival. Wanted to do it right after the screenings, to keep it fresh. Then I didn't do it. Then I thought "well, the time has passed" and decided not to do it. Then I thought "what the hell, just do it" and then I did it. That's a lot of "thens".

Overall, I enjoyed the two nights of screeenings I saw. Generally speaking, it's obvious that a lot of people have some pretty stout talents when it comes to shooting videos, and making them look really nice. I did find myself wishing, though, that there were more people who were more interested in telling stories than they were in making videos look nice.

Anyway, here are some 7 word reviews. With only 7 words, you might have to read between the lines quite a bit, and likely my meaning at times will be confusing as I attempt to have some specific word imply a whole paragraph of opinion.

FULL SCHEDULE – WEB WORKS AND COMEDY SCREENING:

And Yet I Blame Hollywood – Dave Stewart : A series of five two-minute movie reviews, in animated form.

My 7 Word Review: Sharply written. Distinct animation and characters. Succeeds. (disclosure: I did some voice-work for some of these episodes)

Bunny Bop; Episode One – Cheryl Wagner : Episode One of a 15 episode web series for kids. It features young kids in bunny suits at play in a wondrous garden setting.

My 7 Word Review: Cute, bright, short. Kids should love this.

Pabst Blue Ribbon – Jeremy Larter : A nod to David Lynch and Dennis Hopper.

My 7 Word Review: Didn't get any Lynch or Hopper vibe.

The New Neighbours – Susan Rodgers : When new neighbours move in to the apartment across the hall, they start making some strange sounds in the morning.

My 7 Word Review: Disliked this. Too slow. Too long. Unfunny.

Billy Pelican; Reality TV – Neil Wiley/Richard DesRoches : A short film done in “vlog” form.

My 7 Word Review: Dated. Mercer rant ripoff. Well performed, though.

Mr. Happy – Pamela Lovelace : A man with particular tastes gets more than he bargained for at this particular coffee shop.

My 7 Word Review: Liked at beginning. Bored by the end.

20 Steps Toronto – Jeremy Larter : 20 shots around Nathan Phillips Square in 20 step increments.

My 7 Word Review: Rather aimless and random. Looked nice though.

Colour Code – Errol Richardson : The band Colour Code rehearses to syncopated lights.

My 7 Word Review: Nice, but ran out of steam, visually.

A Time to Drum; Chapter Two – Susan Rodgers : Chapter two in a web series about dreams set against the backdrop of pipe band drumming. It is a passion project by a Mom whose son Christopher lives for music.

My 7 Word Review: Long and self-absorbed. Desperately needs editor.

Three Amigos Buy a Door – John Christenson : Three friends, member of the NB film co-op are tasked to improve the security of the co-op office by acquiring a new door. However, long-time friends or not, they soon find that they don’t quite work in sync.

My 7 Word Review: Amateurish, uninspired. Humour misses. Made by technicians?

Food Country; Brookfield Gardens – Adam Perry : One episode of the Food Country series featuring Chef Michael Smith as he tours PEI, talking to the people who produce the food we eat. And then making marvellous dishes.

My 7 Word Review: Visually beautiful. Charming, warm, educational. Well done.

Now and Then – Millefiore Clarkes : One episode of the ten part series produced by ‘this town is small’ featuring PEI musicians in locations of significance around Charlottetown.

My 7 Word Review: Simple, well executed. Don't remember song, though.

How to Be Alone – Andrea Dorfman/Tanya Davis : A quiet film that explores the delight one can find in being alone.

(this video had technical difficulties so we didn't see it at the festival. However, I had watched it on the internet, so this is a review of that experience) My 7 Word Review: Turned it off halfway through. Too precious.

December in Toronto – Millefiore Clarkes : A sense-weaving journey to Toronto through the single gaze of the traveller.

My 7 Word Review: Visually rich. Bit chaotic and random. Liked.

Hat – Adam Perry : A farmer goes to his barn for some entertainment. Music video for Racoon Bandit’s song “Hat”.

My 7 Word Review: Like everything about this: idea, song, execution.

Trans-Anne – Jason Rogerson : Anne and Diana tear down the highway in a ’75 Trans-Am in this Thelma and Louise inspired re-telling of the LM Montgomery classic.

My 7 Word Review: Some funny bits, but too unwieldy, story-wise. (disclosure: I play the title character)

IMAF Gala: Ten of PEI’s Best Shorts

Lucky 7 – Jason Rogerson : A comedy that follows the insanity that ensues after an office lotto pool hits the jackpot. Lucky 7 was the winner of the first PEI CBC 321 Award in 2010.

My 7 Word Review: Good performances, but story ends three-quarters through. (disclosure: I act in this)

Rituals of December – Jeremy Larter : A moment of poetry with poet John MacKenzie.

My 7 Word Review: Liked performance, but video uninspired. Hide paper.

Reforestation – Laura Stewart : A man, fed up with everyday life ventures into the forest to find something new.

My 7 Word Review: Me likey. More like this please. Kudos.

The Invasion of the Horrible Alien Brain Monsters from Outer Space in 3D – Fox Henderson : A hommage to the films of Ed Wood. The Brain Queen comes to earth to find a place to breed her horrible alien brain monsters. It is up to Dr. Jack Hammer to stop her.

My 7 Word Review: Half liked, half disliked. Not funny enough.

None 2 Some – Dennis Trainor : A brother and sister duo loose their mother and come up with a unique way to try to find her.

My 7 Word Review: Liked its low-budgetness. Strong characters, well performed.

The Islanders – Brian Pollard : This documentary is a nostalgic look at life on PEI in the 19th and early 20th centuries – a time when inhabitants referred to the Island at their “country” despite its diminutive size.

My 7 Word Review: Too many pictures. Wanted to see interviewees..

Anna di Timpiani Verde – Rob MacDonald : What if Anne of Green Gables was a 1970′s Italian Art Film? That’s the premise behind Anna di Timpani Verde, a reimagining of the iconic characters from the novel.

My 7 Word Review: I have a large fondness for this. (disclosure: I wrote and directed this)

Harbour Town – Adam Perry : One episode of the ten part series produced by ‘this town is small’ featuring PEI musicians in locations of significance around Charlottetown.

My 7 Word Review: Starkness works. Well executed. Hide that cord?

Automocar – Gavin Keen : The Danks take a trip to the carnival.

My 7 Word Review: Good looking music video. Enjoyed watching this.

The Bath – JoDee Samuelson : The story of a elderly woman, as she finds reprieve from daily life in the simple act of taking of a bath.

(picture isn't linking)

My 7 Word Review: Haven't tired of seeing this yet. Great!

Vast – Harmony Wagner : A young boy wakes up to discover he is the last person on Earth and he has to find out why.

My 7 Word Review: Liked it, but found it too antiseptic. (also, and more than 7 words, I was bugged that the description of the video turned out to be a lie. SPOILER: boy isn't the last person on Earth and it's not really about him having to find out why. A minor thing, but it bugged me.)

Dear Hollywood: Ghost Car

2010-12-30T12:30:00.000-04:00

Have we got a show for you!! This is a TV show. A series. It's called Ghost Car. I know, awesome, eh?!?

Ghost Car.

I can't believe it hasn't been used yet. Dave S and I came up with it on one of our semi-regular luncheons. Yes, from the people that brought you Uncle Penelope Jones and Starr Gaudet bring you Ghost Car!!

Here's the premise - still a work-in-progress, so lots of room for additions, suggestions, etc. (the premise from my POV as I remember it. Dave S might have another vision): A 70's or 80's style TV procedural - think "Rockford Files meets Streets of San Fransisco meets Miami Vice - and every city in between!". Two guys help solve the Crime/Story of the Week. Private detectives, beloved AND behated by various members of the police department. One is a Man's Man - (maybe a former cop?) older, been around the block a few times, stuck in his ways, brusk, bristly, hardened exterior, softy inside (when he lets it slip). The other is the young hotshot. Sarcastic, headstrong, full of himself, sophmoric. These two guys butt heads as often as not, but it's obvious they have a respect and fondness for each other.

Thing is: They Are DEAD! Yep. Ghosts. Both died in a tragic automobile accident while they were about to solve The Big Crime Back In The Day. (Backstory, told in flashback in pilot and/or opening credits)

Only thing is, when they died, they had unfinished business to take care of, so now they are forced to remain on Earth as ghosts - Spectral Dicks, if you will, until the unfinished business gets resolved. Unfinished business deals with the local crime syndicate - the same people that caused them to die - and can be spread out over the course of the series, as an ongoing storyline, along with the weekly one-off stories. (Spectral Dicks can be the name of the show if it gets picked up by a cable company like FX or something)

Each episode, they tool around the city in their ghost car (literally, a ghost car), a sweet American muscle-machine ride, and discover untoward events happening in nefarious locales. They forward this information, through ghostly means, to an up-and-coming police officer. (Maybe her aunt is a crazy psychic?) Did we mention, the police officer is a SHE, and she is sexy-tough-sweet. She's the only one who can see them, I don't know...??? We can figure that stuff out later, Hollywood. Anyway, each episode, SHE solves the case with the help/interference of Ghost Car. Yes, interference as much as help. See, it's not easy to navigate this plane when you're ghosts, so their attempts to help can get pretty "out there" and oftentimes as not, backfire on them.

What's important is this: We have a seriously awesome name for a TV show. We've got a hot young female lead. We've got a hot young actor in another lead. We've got a respected older actor in a third lead role. And we've got the hilarious young ethnic comic in a secondary role (forgot to mention this, because it just came to me, but SHE is not the only one who sees the Spectral Dicks - they're also seen by the homeless guy who says funny stuff and nobody ever believes him when he says he sees the ghost cops. He, therefore, refers to them as The Snuffleupafuzz). We've got some seriously cool wheels for them to drive around in and perform wicked stunts.

You can set it in the 70's if you want, 80's, today, I don't care.

Ghost Car - it's a Guaranteed Hit!!

3 Awesome Things In This Photo

2010-12-30T10:31:00.000-04:00

Can you find any awesome things in this photo:

Here are my three awesome things found in this photo:

1. The dude is defying gravity. Gravity defiance is special enough, but for a dude this size... <applause>

2. Dude is channeling the ghost of Rodney Dangerfield. Seriously, look at his face. Plus the "no respect" tie.

3. Quick access to his junk, terrific for drive-by urinalizing. Did that rip just happen during this event, or has it been there for some time? Question needs answering.

4. (bonus) The stellar powerpoint, or whatever it is, on the projection on the wall. Any ideas on what it's about?

If you can't add any more awesome things about this photo (like the dude's insane Don Johnson hair), perhaps you could write a short introductory play-let as to how these guys got to this moment that is frozen eternally.

Something like:

Skinny Dude: Dude, this powerpoint or whatever it is is lame squared. Let's up the party!

Heavy Dude (running and jumping): Karate chop kick!!

Skinny Dude: Dude, you're defying gravity!

Dear Hollywood: NBC Mystery Movie Revamp

2010-12-29T12:18:00.000-04:00

Okay, NBC, here's a free idea for you: Revamp the NBC Mystery Movie series. There you go, NBC. You're welcome.

For those of you NBC Bigwigs who don't know, the NBC Mystery Movie ran in the early-mid 1970s, and was a weekly series of recurring/rotating programs, most notably Columbo starring Peter Falk, McCloud starring Dennis Weaver, and McMillan and Wife starring Rock Hudson and Susan St. James. There were other, lesser, series throughout the run, but these three were the major players.

Obviously, they'd each have to be recast with today's crop of talent. No fear, I'm here to assist you with that, too.

Let's start with Columbo. In the original, Peter Falk played the wily, seemingly absent-minded LAPD detective who always ended up a couple of steps ahead of the Villain-Of-The-Week. I have the perfect actor for you, NBC. He's currently a hot-commodity movie actor, but you might be able to lure him into TV. Not only does he bear a resemblance to Falk (which, admittedly has its pluses and minuses), but he's an actor who seems to have that Falk naturalness and likability. Like I said, he's a perfect candidate. Call his agent right now. He is Mark Ruffalo:

He is, unquestionably, this century's perfect Columbo.

So, Columbo is cast. Let's move on to McCloud.

McCloud was another detective (actually a Marshall) series. It was about a New Mexico Marshall who was transplanted (along with his horse, even) to New York City, and starred Dennis Weaver.

Again, I have a terrific casting choice for you. Although, there may be issues since this actor is already involved in a tv series about a marshal. The FX show Justified. I think Timothy Olyphant would be a fantastic McCloud.

Like Ruffalo, he bears a resemblance to his predecessor. Slap a moustache and cowboy hat on him and let him go. Can you think of a better modern-day McCloud?

Now, onto McMillan and Wife. This was, admittedly, my least favourite of the three NBC Mystery Movie series. But I think there needs to be a rotation of three different series, so I'm going to include it.

It starred Rock Hudson (as a San Fransisco Police Commissioner) and Susan St.James (as his wife). Who to cast, you ask? Honestly, I'm not sure. Nobody is really coming to mind. The only name I came up with is Patrick Warburton (Puddy from Seinfeld) which is not the right choice, I freely admit. So, Hollywood, I'll leave it to you to come up with new casting for McMillan and Wife.

WHO WOULD YOU CAST IN McMILLAN AND WIFE?

When You're Gone I Won't Forget You

2010-12-28T09:10:00.000-04:00

Five or six years ago, I wrote and directed this video for Sketch22's Christmas Show.

It's one of my favourite videos that we did.

When I was writing it, the *surprise* ending came as a surprise to me. At first, it was just going to be about an old couple and their grandson, out driving around looking at the Christmas lights during the day because the old guy wasn't allowed to drive at night anymore. A funny, sad kind of situation. But when I was trying to find a way to end it, the ending I came up with hit me all of a sudden, and it seemed so very good. It takes the funny/sad idea and cranks it beyond a whole other level.

Anyway, now that I had this awesome sadly funny ending, I knew it'd need some music to really amp up the sadness. I wanted something "oldy" sounding, something rather melancholic. I also wanted something old so as not to have to worry about copyright etc (although, I'm not sure the recordings I ended up with are actually public domain). So I started scouring through the internet, basically searching for something - a title or anything - that grabbed me. I searched for hours through the Internet Archives without any success. Literally hours scanning through pages of search results, not even sure what I was looking for. The Internet Archives led me to a few other archives, and a couple more hours of searching led me to a song entitled "When You're Gone I Won't Forget You". That title sounded exactly like the sentiment I wanted to convey. When I clicked on the Play button and listened to it, I couldn't believe how lucky I was. It seemed too good to be true. It was exactly the song I wanted/needed. It was perfect.

It was hissy and crackly, with a definite old-time sound. Sounded kind of like it was being played a bit too slow, too, which just added to its awesomeness. I fell in love with the song.

So, we shot it - Dennis and me and Jason performing, and Graham and I edited it. And the music fit so perfectly. Ryan Townsend, who was cameraman, came up with the idea of having the camera tilt a bit near the end, as an indication that things maybe were a bit off kilter, and I think that was a super idea, so thanks Ryan for that.

All of which brings me to the reason for this post: I absolutely love the song at the end of the video. But I had lost the recording of the song I downloaded, and for the life of me, couldn't find it again. Didn't know the name of the song, didn't know who wrote it, who recorded it. Only knew it was recorded sometime around 1920. Over the past few years, I'd try to find it, without luck. Couldn't quite retrace my steps, and had all but given up. (I had been searching for both songs in the video. There's also a Christmas song playing in the background of the "looking at lights" montage, but that song, while fitting the video wonderfully, didn't really grab me as much).

Then this Christmas, miracle of miracles! Cameron asked me if we had that song, and I said no. But his question inspired me to do another search. Not sure why it was a different outcome, but after about an hour of searching, I found it. Well, I found a different version of it. This time when I did a search for "When You're Gone", I got different results, which led me to the different version of the song. But that discovery gave me the names of the composers, and that led me, ultimately, to the version I used in the video.

The first version I found (which led me to the 2nd "correct" version) was recorded by The Peerless Quartet in 1921. It's not as good a version, I don't think. At least, not for my purposes.

The 2nd version, the one I used, was from an old cylinder and was released in 1920. The singers were Louise Terrel and George Wilton Ballard. Apparently, it was take 2.

So, anyway, here are the songs, if anyone wants them. Both of them, if you're interested for comparison sake.

When You're Gone I Won't Forget You (video version)

When You're Gone (alternate version)

2010-10-14T12:38:00.000-03:00

Sketch22 - Season Five La Tragedia del Castrato Draft: May 17, 2008

Lights up

A dressing room, such as in any theater anywhere.

Il Castrato sits at the dressing table. He addresses the audience.

Castrato:
Alas, my friends, attend this tale of woe.
For I, gelded on fame's throne lately sat
For tunes warbl'd, am falsetto castrat.
Cel'brated by all, like angel's rejoice
Melodies sung on high in pure of voice.
A pre-pubescent stunt, doctor performed:
My testicles chopp'd when not yet tenor
Left me permanently baritone deaf!
Now, my talents unequall'd, fame unmatch'd
Where 'ere I arrive, E! News is dispatch'd.
Fame, wealth, power. Invites to parties all.

Would give't all up just once to rub my balls.

A FEMALE FAN (obviously a man dressed as a woman, a'la Shakespeare's era) enters:

Female Fan:
Castrato! Tonight's performance was grand!!
That voice! That song! A marvel of God's hand!
Forgive my bold, but your fanatic I.
To sleep with you, perchance? Oh, I would die!

Castrato:
(aside) Her face, fair enough. Her frame most sublime.
What's this? My loins seem stirring their first time?
Could this wond'rous wench so eager for cock
Be the one who my belt of chaste unlocks?
There! Once and again! A rousing below!!
My dick comes alive for this fanatical ho!
(to fan) Fan, if by "sleep" with me, you mean to screw
Then bend over, slut, we'll menage a deux.

Castrato bends her over a chair,

Female Fan:
Sir! To take me this way is an affront!

Castrato:
You'll cry affront when I take you a-back!!

He moves behind her, pulls up her dress and begins pumping. After a moment:

Female Fan:
Your thrust's too soft to penetrate my slick.
Would speaking sexy words make firm your dick?

Castrato:
Yes! Yes! Speak wicked words to get me hard!

Female Fan:
Me so horny! Me love you long, long time!

Castrato:
Again! Dirty up thy tongue and spew forth!

Female Fan:
You moisten my pool like the morning dew!

More pumping, then he stops abruptly.

Castrato:
Alack!! Your teases are but wasted coin.
Sex seems a club my member cannot join.
For to climb inside your womanly quim
I'd need a sac in which my sperm could swim.

Female Fan:
Sperm spurn'd?!? Me?!? You ball-less fop! Prancy niece!!
I've told all my friends I'd collect your cock!
Instead I'll tell them the castrato balk'd!!

Female Fan exits. Castrato flops to the floor.

Castrato:
Oh woe is me!! Doom'd to eternal soft!!
Is it too much to ask to let me hard?
To just once grow seed in my scrotal yard!

A JANITOR enters, sweeping up the dressing room. He is wearing shorts. A long and hairy scrotum hangs out one leg.

Janitor:
Pardon, my grace.

Castrato:
Sweep up fast, Janitor!

Castrato resumes his moping. Janitor sweeps right past his face, making the balls impossible not to notice. After a moment of staring at the Janitor's huge sac:

Castrato:
What ho! What part dangles betwixt thy legs?
Envious scrotum!! Oh bountiful grapes!
Were I to wield such a pair of round shapes
My sad sac mood would be forever bagg'd!
(to Janitor) Good sir! How attach'd art thou to thy balls?

Janitor:
I fail to understand your intent sir.
I am surely attach'd in every way.

Castrato:
My intent is this: a bag-swap proposed.
Your ball-bag in exchange for my coin purse.

Castrato tosses a bag of money at Janitor. Janitor checks its weight.

Janitor:
Such a grand sum just to lighten my load?
Let's do it quick, before my nerves erode.

Castrato:
Fast, then! Up the table for de-balling.

Janitor climbs on table, lies on his back. Castrato holds up the sac and moves the scissors into place.

Castrato:
Oh bright and thrilling anticipation!!
To think that after a quick castration
This wondrous pair will be sewn with pleasure
Betwixt my pegs to fondle at leisure!!

Janitor:
Wait! Might I play them one last time? Then snip?

Castrato:
Rub away, good sweep! But do not tarry.

Janitor gets off table, walks around massaging his balls.

Janitor (aside):
Such delight! Happiness below my waste!
Perhaps my choice was made with too much haste?
Yes, it would be nice to have coin in bank
But what is life worth if one cannot wank?

Castrato:
Enough, Janitor. Let's untie this sac!

Janitor:
Yeah, about that... I'm having change of heart.
With these glorious balls I cannot part!

Castrato:
A deal struck! Contract signed! These balls are mine!

Castrato grabs the janitor's balls and leads him around the room.

Janitor:
Unhand my sac! Undo your grip at once!

Castrato picks up the scissors, holds them menacingly, still with balls in hand, janitor in tow.

Castrato:
The choice is yours, sir! Your balls or your life?

Janitor:
My life and my balls are both in your hands.
You'll clip one or t'other as you demand.
I'm resolute in thought. No choice to make.
My life, yours. To Heaven my balls I take.

Janitor grabs the scissors and stabs himself with them, and stumbles around. Grabs onto Castrato and then dies. Castrato falls to his knees. Holds up the dead Janitor's balls.

Castrato:
What foolish notions mortal men behold.
For some to crave things like silver and gold.
Whilst others' desires lean more towards fame
There's those think conquest the name of the game.
Yet all their wishes seem scholarly fair
Compared to my wont for pleasure down there.
Two balls in hand, though none below my bush
It's with shame as off to Heaven I push.

Castrato grabs up the scissors, stabs himself and then dies.

Charlottetown's Best Car Wash

2010-08-21T17:56:00.000-03:00

Get your car washed at the Tip Top Car Wash!!!

I was never really much of a car washer. For a while I tried to do the weekend-get-out-and-wash-the-car-in-the-driveway thing, but never liked it.

Over the past number of years, whenever the car would need a cleaning, I'd take it to one of the automatic car washes around town. Parkdale Irving used to have a good wash. Lately it's been the car wash bays on North River Road. These, of course, were strictly exterior car washings. Yes, I could, I suppose, use the vaccuums, but that seemed like too much work. Just like washing the car myself.

But now. Now I've found my new car wash place. Tip Top Car Wash on MacAleer Drive (off Brackley Point Road, just before the airport). It's run by a couple who moved here a couple of years ago, from Montreal. They came here to retire, and then found themselves opening this car wash about five weeks ago.

You drive your car into the bay, and a crew of five workers get to it. They clean the interior (not sure if it's more than just a wipe to remove the dust) and vaccuum the interior, vaccuum the trunk if you want (I didn't get my trunk vaccuumed today as there was too much junk in it). Then they wash the exterior. Then they beat the exterior with chamois cloths until it's nice a spotless dry.

All the while, I chatted with the wife, who sits behind the desk. A very nice lady. Her husband, meanwhile, oversees the guys who clean the car. He seems like he's very diligent about making sure they don't slag off. He appears to be the kind of person who expects good results from good work.

About 15 minutes later, I had a very clean car, inside and out. The cost for a car is $15 plus tax, so just over 17 dollars. I gave them a 20 dollar bill and said keep the change. I'd gladly have tipped more if I had it in my pocket.

It's a great place. If you want a good cleaning of your car, you could do worse than visit the Tip Top Car Wash on MacAleer Drive.

Oh, and every visit you can fill out a ballot for a weekly $25 gas card.

Is My Husband Gay? Methinks I Doth Protest Too Much

2010-08-18T14:52:00.000-03:00

Here's the link.

Okay, so this article got me thinking - Am I secretly gay?
Thank goodness there's this test for women to take to see if their husbands are gay.
I'm not a woman (I wish!), but let's see if I fit the bill. (and first of all, I realize that using a lispy "doth" in the title of this post might not be a great "straight" start, so to show that I'm being fair and balanced, I'll rate myself as starting at 1% GAY based on that lisping title)

So, here's the article, linked above, and my responses to each point is italicized.

1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers
Porn addiction is closely associated with homosexuality and a secretive nature implies he’s trying to hide something from you. Be on the lookout for a man who doesn’t want to web surf or answer phone calls in your presence. Texting is another favorite trick used by adulterers. For the sake of trust, a married couple should share everything, including phone logs, email accounts, chat friends and website histories.

I never use my cellphone. Well, hardly ever. And only for texting, really. Don't know why I have one. I hardly ever get calls from guys. Just my nagging wife, and she's certainly not a guy.
As for late-night computer use - I have to colour myself guilty on that. But only a little bit of that is for pornographic purposes. I'm going to rate myself as "HALF NOT GAY" on this first point.

2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way
When you’re out in public, does he spend too much time looking at other men? Is he fond of winking at people? Does he get visibly upset when someone does not return a compliment about his physical appearance?

Any winking I do is a result of my twitchy, lazy left eye. It has a mind of its own. I would have to say I don't spend "too" much time looking at other men. Just much time looking at men. And only because they're in my line of sight. What am I supposed to do, NOT look at the hot guy who is walking in front of me? I don't get visibly upset when a guy doesn't return a compliment I give him. (doesn't say anything about getting upset privately, in my mind, so I guess I'm okay on that one) I'm going to rate myself as TOTALLY NOT GAY on this point.

3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups
Have you noticed a lack of interest in spiritual issues? Does it ever seem as if he’s just using church as an excuse to spend time around young men? Does he volunteer to mentor in all-male groups?

Ha, I don't even GO to church, so I guess that excludes me from this point. Oh wait. I do kind of mentor the all-male crew in Sketch22. No, wait, I just remembered, there's a girl stage-manager in the group, so that more or less cancels that concern. Because of the almost all-male Sketch22 group, I'll rate myself as THREE-QUARTERS NOT GAY on this point.

4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home
Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home. Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers? Is he picky about brand name shampoos? Does he spend more time getting ready for a night out than you do?

I don't abhor the sweat and smell of men. In fact, I kinda like it. Other than that, though, I am overly whatever-the-opposite-of-fastidious about my appearance. And my home is a mess. My body hair is as god gave me. However, I do spend more time getting ready for a night out than my wife, but that's just because i don't let my wife go out at night. Rating myself 100% TOTALLY NOT GAY on this point.

5) Gym membership but no interest in sports
Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms. They like to work out their bodies without the competition of sports play. Afterward, they use the showers and steam rooms to engage in sexual activity beyond the prying eyes of women. If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign.

Want to know how NOT GAY I am? I have an interest in sports and don't have a gym membership. That's the exact opposite of this point, so I am the exact opposite of secretly gay. Although, truthfully, the descriptions in this post are kind of turning me on. I'll take that as a worrisome sign and rate myself as ONE QUARTER GAY on this point.

6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”
Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex “hook ups.” They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothing labels. If your husband owns skinny jeans and looks at his buttocks in the mirror or if he wears an inordinate number of small-sized t-shirts, it is probably worthwhile to pay more attention to his private activities.

Lean, hard bodies - that counts me out. Do all gay men possess lean, hard bodies? I wonder? Come to think of it, most of the guys in Sketch22 have lean, hard bodies. I've casually noticed when we're in the dressing room, changing. Maybe they're secretly gay? Next time I'm doing the show, I'll have to take notice if they wear small-sized t-shirts, and maybe check to see if they're checking out their own buttocks in skinny jeans. Based on the fact that I have a fat, soft body, I'll rate myself as TOTALLY NOT GAY on this point.

7) Strange sexual demands
Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of heterosexual relations. The woman may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on. If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities.

The only sexual demand I place on my wife is that she wear a strap-on dildo and put it in my bum. But it's a girl wearing it, so that's okay, right? Rating myself 100% ABSOLUTELY NOT GAY on this point.

8) More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films
Pornography is a dangerous element in any marriage but there are many Christians who feel watching it does add something to their sexual lives. If you have gone down this road and find that your man perks up at the sight of the men in these sorts of videos, you should be concerned. If he selects films because of specific male actors, this is an obvious sign that he is suffering from a crisis of ego and desire.

I'm not sure how to answer this one, because there are no women in the pornographic films I watch. If it helps, I would say that I don't seem to be any more interested in either the masculine or effeminate looking guys in the films. I enjoy them both equally. Guess I'll rate myself as 75% NOT GAY on that.

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

I rarely travel. Neither of us do, really, so this point is not relevant to my life. However, whenever I go and get take-out from the China Garden, I find myself wondering if there's anyone in the back who'd be up for a bit of deplorable same-sex action. No, wait, I mean I DON'T find myself wondering about deplorable same-sex action in the bathroom at China Garden. I mean, back room. I've never been in the bathroom at the China Garden. Rating myself TOTALLY NOT GAY on this point.

10) Too many friendly young male friends
Someone who makes an extra effort to surround themselves with younger men should raise concerns in any community. If this is the case with your husband, ask yourself if he prefers their company to that of women. Do they touch each other or embrace in long hugs? Do they exchange expensive, personal gifts like scarves or cologne?

My son is 16, and he often has friendly young male friends over to our place. I don't go out of my way to be nice to his friendly young male friends, I don't think. I'd say I use just the right amount of abstinence in getting too friendly with them. Is "abstinence" the right word here? Doesn't sound right. Rating: TOTALLY NOT GAY.

11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends
A man who is secretly engaged in homosexual activity with others may exhibit feminine qualities when they get together in a group. In a sense, he has “let his hair down” and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands.

I hate to say it, but I think I'd be kidding myself if I didn't admit that anyone who knows me would describe me as sassy. Therefore, I think I have to rate myself as THREE QUARTERS GAY on this point. Oh no you di'nt!! Yes, I sure did!

12) Love of pop culture
It’s quite common for young men to enjoy the science fiction end of popular culture, but when your husband becomes overly obsessed with romantic and feminine shows, that is cause for alarm. Gossip websites, Glee and The Golden Girls are three well-documented icons of the gay movement that genuine heterosexual men avoid.

Okay, I'm getting a bit worried now. Last point described me to a T, and now I have to admit that my three favourite TV Shows are Glee, The Golden Girls and Gossip Websites. I wouldn't say I'm "obsessed" with romantic and feminine shows - I mean, I don't get THAT upset when my son inadvertently deletes the romantic and feminine shows that I've downloaded for late-night viewing - especially don't get visibly mad when his friendly young male friends are around. Still, if I'm being honest, I'll have to rate myself 75% GAY on this point.

13) Extroverted about his bare chest in public
Does he go shirtless in the back yard or at picnics when other men are around? Does he wear a speedo at the beach? Does it seem like he’s purposely standing right in the middle of a crowd to show off his chest and arm muscles, peppering people with questions about how strong he looks? He may be craving physical affirmation from other men and desperately looking for hints of shared desires in those around him.

Okay, I'm back on track for being NOT GAY. Don't own a Speedo, because I know it doesn't make me look strong. Does it? Do you guys think I look strong when I'm in a Speedo? Don't mean to pepper you with that question, but I'd be interested to know. If you want to answer that question, guys, you could probably find me at the Shirtless Picnic I've organized for myself and the rest of the guys in Sketch22. I'm holding it in my backyard. If you come, remember, it's BYOB (bring your own bare chest!) Rating myself 100% NOT GAY on this point.

14) Sudden heavy drinking
Sometimes people dealing with an unbearable emotional issue like homosexuality will turn to alcohol to hide their distress. Does your man disappear on drinking binges for long hours without answering his cellphone? Is there a strange odor about him when he returns, some strange mix of cigarettes and gel? Does he cry frequently?

Good, another point that clears me of any gay tendencies. I don't have sudden heavy drinking. I've always been a heavy drinker - at least, I have been since I got married, and that's like 23 years ago, so no suddenness about that. Rating myself 100% NOT GAY on this point. Easy.

15) Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?
This is an important question to ask yourself when your marriage starts to have problems. Statistics have shown that women who have encountered gay men romantically in the past are the most likely to repeat this mistake in future relationships. If you answered yes, you should ask yourself whether you’re honestly looking for a man or just a shopping companion. Is sharing gossip more important to you than raising children? Ultimately, it’s a question of getting your priorities straight!

This question above is not for me, so I'll not include it in my statistics.

So, there you have it. I'll not bother going back over the ratings, but it seems to me that it's pretty clear, based on this scientific questionnaire from the Christwire website (and who does scientific research better than Christians?) I'd have to say that this proves that I am practically NOT GAY.

BunkerDown is Up!! Sketch22 Web Series website is Live!!! No joke!!

2010-04-01T07:18:00.000-03:00

Sketch22 is getting ready to unleash our 10 part web series, BunkerDown, to the world. Our website is now alive and breathing. We'll be posting new episodes once a week, but won't be starting until May.
You'll be able to see a teaser video on April 15th, just to give you a taste of what you can unexpect.
Keep up to date with all the latest, well, updates, along with photos, comments, discussions, reviews, etc, through our brand new Facebook Fan Page! Join today and make sure you don't miss a moment.

BunkerDown - coming soon

Might As Well Make It "Wok And Sea"

2010-02-11T07:35:00.000-04:00

So, for work, I was browsing the web looking for some info on this weekend's Jack Frost Children's Winterfest. I found the info I needed at a site called Walk And Sea Charlottetown. Looks like it might be a new site for Tourism Charlottetown. I didn't spend a lot of time on the site, but my initial impression was that it was rather nicely laid out.
My problem with the site is the name: Walk and Sea Charlottetown. Specifically, the use of the word "Sea". I understand that it's a play on the word "see" and reflects, I guess, the beautiful harbour element to our city. I get that. But isn't it going to be confusing when speaking the name to whomever? Aren't you going to have to explain that "See" is actually spelled "S-E-A"?
It's like those parents who want their children to have unique and interesting names, like Lyndsy or Chyna or St33ve, and toss in some alternative-spelling letters. Then the poor kid has to go through their life always correcting the spelling of their name. "Actually, that's k-a-r-Y-n, not E-n."

Okay, I just typed in www.walkandseecharlottetown.com and it brought me to the same site. So, never mind.

Rob's Favourite Movies of 2009

2010-01-05T13:13:00.000-04:00

Without giving too much thought to picking and choosing, here's a quick rundown of movies I most enjoyed from 2009. Probably many of these would get replaced by other names if I gave it much more thought, or if I made the list on another day.

(edited to add:) Antichrist

I forgot about this one. How could I forget about this one? The first scene is, perhaps, the most poetically beautiful and heartbreaking thing I've ever seen. And it goes on from there. Wow, what a visual, shocking, tormenting, agitating movie. Be careful if you watch this one. It will affect you deeply. If ever "Yikes" could be used as a positive adjective to describe something, it would be used for this movie. Lars Von Trier, what have you done to me?

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

With so many awful and/or boring recent performances Nicolas Cage had lost me as an actor, after being one of my favourite actors during his early career. But in this movie, he resurrects the brashness and go-for-broke acting choices that I used to love him for. A pretty great movie from Wernor Herzog with some nice moodiness, a great look, and enough twists and turns to keep it all interesting.

District 9:

Simply, a good sci-fi. A strong, appealing lead performance, and special effects that (just barely) don’t get in the way of story-telling.

Drag Me To Hell

Director Sam Raimi returns to the genre that made him what he is. This is a fun, over-the-top horror thrill ride. Doesn’t take itself seriously, in the best way possible.

Funny People

Suffers from the Film-Making Disease of the last decade – that being: too freakin’ long! Otherwise, a pretty sincere look at the life and impending death of a famous comedian. Sandler shows himself to be a very competent actor (much like he did in Punch Drunk Love, and a couple others). Good movie, good supporting cast. Just too freakin’ long!

The Hangover

I hated the first 15 minutes or so (mysoginistic, homophobic comedy), until the boys got on the road to Las Vegas, and was bored by the last 20 minutes or so, but the stuff in the middle was very very funny.

The Hurt Locker

Maybe my favourite movie of the year. Tons of suspense, and a Iraq war story that doesn't preach to you. Had me from beginning to end.

Inglourious Basterds

Maybe my favourite movie of the year, for totally different reasons. So much fun. So many great scenes.

In The Loop

If you don’t know this movie, seek it out. A very sharp, very funny political satire. If the phrase “political satire” scares you, overcome your fear and treat yourself to this smart British comedy. I wasn't expecting much from this when I started watching it, but I laughed quite a bit. Well done.

O’Horten

Norwegian (I think) movie about a train conductor who retires because and doesn’t know what to do with himself. Might not sound very interesting, but you will enjoy it. Give it a try, if you ever come across it.

Star Trek

A terrific rebirth of the franchise. My only criticism of the movie was that it forego with some of the meat that made the previous Star Treks so popular: This movie was pretty much all action. What I enjoyed about previous Star Treks (and missed in this one) was that time spent between action scenes, when the crew was soaring towards whatever destination – those moments they’d devote to character and relationship building. A small criticism. I very much liked this, and look forward to where the series goes from here.

Thirst

Korean movie about a priest who becomes a vampire, and the woman who falls in love with him. A very good movie. From my favourite Korean director Chan-wook Park.

If you’ve seen it, you know why it’s on everyone’s list. If you haven’t seen it, you’re in for a treat.

Where The Wild Things Are

Fantastic interpretation of the Maurice Sendak children’s book. One of the things I loved about the movie was attention to little things about being a kid, like when the kid is under the desk watching his mother working on the computer, and we see him watching her from his weird angle. Or the sense of time-wasting when he's in his snow fort, or the importance of the snow fight. Little things like that totally took me back to when I was a kid. Other than that, it was simply a magical movie.

Patton Oswalt: Christmas Shoes

2009-12-23T12:17:00.000-04:00

Watch this. It's pretty freakin' funny.

And this routine from the very funny Patton Oswalt reminded me of this "Christmas Shoe Scam" post I wrote way back in 2004. Kinda funny, but looking back on it now, it needed a 2nd draft.

Beat The Monster

2009-11-28T13:44:00.000-04:00

Come play The Annekenstein Monster Daily Trivia!
10 new questions every day. Be right, be fast! Be right fast!
Can you beat The Monster?

Inmates and Deceased Get H1N1 Vaccine Shots Before PEI School Children

2009-11-09T07:59:00.000-04:00

CHARLOTTETOWN - The furor continues. Plans to vaccinate P.E.I children for the swine flu have been put on hold because of a national shortage of vaccine, but Island inmates will continue getting theirs. And now it's been reported that the recently deceased will also get swine flu shots before children receive theirs.
Parents and the living are livid. However, Dr. Heather Morrison, the province's chief health officer, said inmates are considered a priority group because they are in a closed facility. As for the recently deceased, Morrison said "they're also considered a priority group because you can't get a more closed facility than a coffin."
GREAT NEWS
But not everyone is outraged at inmates and the dead receiving shots before children.
"I thought it was great news", said Edgar McKenzie, who recently died after a long battle with cancer. "I was too sick to go stand in the lines to get my shot, but now that I'm dead, I get to go to the front of the line. Hopefully, someone'll carry me there. Yeah, it's too bad for the children, I suppose, but then again, I'm dead. I mean, that's pretty serious."
Another person who is perfectly fine with the way the vaccine is being priortized is Madeline Arsenault. Her son, Lonnie Arsenault, recently died in the Sleepy Hollow Provincial Correctional Facility. "He was in there for hitting his wife and what not, but she's an awful thing, her," says Arsenault. "Anyways, he died in there, and so now he gets two shots. One for being an inmate and one for being dead. He's not going to get the swine flu now. And we was worried he was right at risk, because Lonnie sure liked to fornicate with the pigs."
Officials are advising parents of school age children that if they are truly worried about their children contracting the swine flu, they do have options. "Get your kids to steal something. Or, killing them would be good too," advises Morrison.

Watch This Awesome Commercial. Or Don't. I Don't Care.

2009-11-06T07:23:00.000-04:00

This is fantastic.

Nicole Kidman: Does this doll make me look fat?

2009-11-05T08:42:00.000-04:00

Some person takes Barbie dolls and turns them into more realistic-looking versions of celebrities etc.
This is Nicole Kidman (but I think the doll's arm has too much meat on it):

and here's my favourite, Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter has the scariest eyes ever):

Forget the Phoenix Coyotes - Buy the Tamil Tigers.

2009-11-04T11:35:00.000-04:00

From the CBC website - Tamil Tigers Look To Regroup in Canada.
Didn't read it all, but I figure that Jim Balsillie is wanting to buy the Tamil Tigers and move them to Canada. But Gary Bettman is refusing to allow it to happen.

I've Always Been Afraid of Haiti - Here's Why:

2009-11-03T13:41:00.000-04:00

I know people don't like to read things that are more than 140 characters long, but follow this link to a fascinating story about real zombies in Haiti.
It's well worth the read.
Click here to take you to the story about Nadathe, who was turned into a zombie.

Alberton Mayor-Elect looks Awesome!!!

2009-11-03T08:29:00.000-04:00

From The Guardian (the paper that covers The Island like the dew, except it's a dew that puts black ink on your fingers) comes this photo of Michael Murphy, who won* the Alberton Mayoral race by two votes.
*pending a recount

This is, without question, the most awesome looking mayor I can imagine. I don't know what his politics are, or his mandate, but I totally want him to be my mayor*.
*But my want is not enough for me to actually move to Alberton, obviously.

Compare this guy with the little leprechaun popup that shows up when you visit the webpage for my city's mayor.

Congratulations Michael Murphy. I hope you win the recount.

This Soul-less Song Makes Me Miss Michael Jackson

2009-10-30T14:10:00.000-03:00

Here's the new single from Adam Lambert, he of American Idol 2nd place fame.

To be honest, I haven't listened to the whole thing. I got pretty bored early on, and then skipped ahead a couple of times to see if the song got any better.

It didn't really. It's not that it's a bad song. It's okay. It's too auto-tuned (but what isn't these days, other than Neko Case).

As I listened to its blandness, I thought "This sounds like it could have been a Michael Jackson song." Then I started imagining how much better it could have been if MJ had recorded it. He would've infused it with the energy that seems to be lacking.

And I'm talking about a Dead Michael Jackson. That's how bland this song is - even a dead MJ would give it more zest than it currently musters.

Anyway, here's the song:

The Vomiting Starts at 5:50

2009-10-16T09:47:00.000-03:00

So, yeah... The Balloon Boy.

What an odd little bit of Newstertainment. I got a bit caught up in it yesterday afternoon at work when a co-worker came and told me it was happening. I found a live local (local to the story) news feed on the internet and watched as the balloon sailed along high above Colorado. It was rather fascinating. Horrible, of course, to imagine a little 6 year old boy in that balloon, no doubt scared out of his mind.
It's always interesting when things like this get covered live, when there's so much air time to fill up while everyone waits for something else to happen. Often stupid things get said and ridiculous notions are brought up.
As I started watching, one of my first thoughts was "if it's a helium balloon, I wonder is the boy breathing helium or does he have access to oxygen?" Several minutes later, that thought occurred to someone being interviewed by the male and female local new anchors covering the story. "If there's no oxygen, and he only has helium to breathe, well, he'd already be dead" said a somber expert of something-or-other.
This possibility struck the female news anchor rather hard as she gasped and said "Oh my, the thought of that takes my breath away!" A bad choice of words there, perhaps, even if it was, literally, true.

So, yeah, they discover the boy wasn't in the balloon, and that's when I stopped watching. I assume (in order of assumption) a) he never was in the balloon and that the boy is missing somewhere. Maybe he went chasing after the balloon after it left the yard; b) he was in the balloon and fell out somewhere and is now dead; or c) it was a hoax.
Later I hear that the boy was found. At that point, my interest in the story is done, especially after I start hearing reports about the family and its eccentricities. It had turned from a legitimate news story to the usual voyeuristic nonsense that news channels love to investigate to death. Count me out.

I considered it Case Closed as far as I was concerned. But I couldn't help myself getting back into it after I read the headline on The Huffington Post: Falcon Heene Vomits: WATCH Balloon boy Throw Up On Today & Good Morning America.
That story is about how Falcon has the flu and threw up twice, once off camera and once on camera.

There is, of course, video. I refuse to watch it, though. However, for those of you who simply must watch, as the article informs you: The vomiting starts 5:50 into the clip.

And this is what we have become.

Am I Still Here

2009-10-13T11:11:00.000-03:00

Maybe.

Just maybe.

Sketch22 - Now With Extra Nights

2009-08-14T14:28:00.000-03:00

Here's a bit of news for you:

The Confederation Centre of the Arts has decided to give Sketch22 an extra two weekends of late night comedy at The Mack. New shows added are Friday August 28, and Saturday August 29. Plus a special Thursday night show on September 3, and the whole season now wraps up neat and tidy on Saturday September 5.

If you haven't seen the show yet, do yourself a favour and come see it.

Sketch22 - Now with Extra Nights!

3 Small Backwards Steps For A Man...

2009-06-25T18:29:00.000-03:00

... one giant leap of awesome for me.

I remember watching the Motown 25th Anniversary show. I remember it was a pretty good production, but when Michael Jackson came on and performed Billie Jean, it took the night to a whole other level of energy.
He was electrifying. And when he did that moonwalk... man oh man, all kinds of people had to re-evaluate what awesome was.
Here's the performance:

Harvey Weinstein Is A Tarantino Character

2009-06-25T12:01:00.000-03:00

I was reading this quote about Tarantino's new film Inglorious Basterds, and it struck me: Harvey Weinstein's response could so easily fit into a scene from some Tarantino film. The cadence, the language, the feel of it. Can't you just imagine QT playing some harried character and spouting out the HW quotation verbatim?
I know I can.

GQ grills Harvey Weinstein about the final cut:

GQ: So the stories about him being asked to cut 40 minutes out of the movie aren’t true?
HW: Those stories are all untrue. There’s no fucking way. Here, read my lips: That is nuts. Please don’t even write that, it’s insanity. There’s not even a question of that. Whatever you’re reading, it’s like some insane blogger… There’s no truth to any of this. He’s not gonna cut. What he’s doing is just reorganizing some scenes. I mean, the guy had six weeks to cut his movie [for Cannes]; most guys take six months. Most guys take a year. When I worked with Martin [Scorsese], we’d do eighteen months in post-production. Quentin Tarantino cuts a movie in six weeks? Come on, there’s shit on that cutting-room floor that’ll blow your brains out. I was telling Quentin the opposite—"You should put that shit back in the movie." There’s scenes with Brad Pitt and the Basterds, and I’m praying he puts that shit back in, ‘cause it’s un-fucking-believably great. Listen—this movie will be between two hours and twenty minutes and two hours and twenty-seven minutes. I don’t think it’s going to be shorter—it’s just a question of rearranging. I know he’s putting footage back into the movie. I know he’s got some cool shit that he didn’t get time to address.

Prince Might Have Just Turned Me Into Teh Gay

2009-05-29T14:33:00.000-03:00

I've got a huge crush on Prince. Holy sweet Jesus!
The man owns the stage, owns the falsetto, and may very well own my heart.

Watch it before it gets pulled.

Chimp - Poot - video

2009-05-04T16:10:00.000-03:00

Some people told me they couldn't view the previous video of Chimp's Poot, so here's a YouTube version.

Let me know if you still can't view it.

I Am A White Person...

2009-05-02T08:07:00.000-03:00

... and I love this ad. I'd definitely shop at The Red House.

Auto Tuned News Sounds Awesome!

2009-04-23T14:25:00.000-03:00

Rob's American Idol Top 7 Part 2 Review

2009-04-22T09:41:00.000-03:00

I missed last week's AI, and didn't review it.

You know what I'm really hating about AI this year? The childish behaviour of the judges. Especially Simon and Paula. I don't really care that they play-fight, but it irks me to no end when that play-fighting gets in the way of the other judges comments, and thus causing the show to run long.

There.

The performers:

Lil sang I'm Every Woman. Oh man, baby's got back-talk. Yes, she has a huge bum and it was splendidly showcased in tight black spandex or whatever. Her singing was awful. The background singers' vocals drove the song, while Lil hooped and grunted and tried to get soulful. She failed. Worst performance of the night. I hated how she interrupted the judges comments and demanded that her performance wasn't karaoke. The issue, Lil, isn't that it was or wasn't karaoke. The issue is you have no idea who you are. You need to shut up and heed other advice. Except, I expect you to be gone this week.

Kris sang "She Works Hard For the Money". I liked his acoustic, it's-not-disco arrangement. I thought his vocals were strong. I just can't see Kris as anything other than a light-weight musical entertainer. Second best performance of the night.

Danny sang "September". I found this performance boring and screechy. He seemed like he was going through the motions. Didn't care for this.

Allison sang "Hot Stuff". I am liking Allison less and less each week, and I was never much of a fan to begin with. Another strong vocal, but everything around it - the arrangement, the too-old face, the purple hair, the attitude all brought me down.

Adam sang "If I Can't Have You". Okay, he's won me over. I've been waiting for him to show his petulant, arrogant side but he's either just a nice guy, or he's expert at manipulating his persona. I quite liked the slowed down version of this song. And he didn't ruin it with screechy high-pitched power notes. Best of the night. Again.

Matt sang "Staying Alive". I mostly liked this, although it did reek a bit of desperation. And those awful high falsetto notes didn't win him any fans. Don't know if he did enough to stay around.

Anoop sang "Dim All the Lights". I wasn't familiar with this song, or at least this arrangement of the song, and didn't really care for it. I thought Anoop sang it well, though, except for that wrong last note which he thankfully cut short.

I'm thinking Lil goes home for sure. And it's a toss up between Matt and Anoop. My suspicion is that Matt will stick around because of last week's close call, and Anoop will end up this week's loser of the Saving Matt tactic from last week.

Turning Jokes Into Haiku

2009-04-20T13:27:00.000-03:00

Tell a well-known joke, but keep to the haiku format: 5 syllable line / 7 syllable line / 5 syllable line.

Here's one from me:

Orange knocks on door
Keeps repeating "Banana"
Annoying, Orange.

Your Voice Isn't As Good With Makeup On

2009-04-20T12:48:00.000-03:00

Yeah, so I'm late to the Sarah Boyle thing. You know, the ugly woman who can sing.

In case you're even more late than me, here's a picture of her.

It's true. She's beyond ugly.
In all honesty, I haven't seen the video clip of her singing, and now it's my goal to never see it. Just like E.T.

I'm patiently waiting as every single person's Facebook status eventually makes reference to this "magical voice despite being an ugly person" story. Once that happens, then we can all move on.

From snippets of conversations and blurbs I can't help but read on the web, I've pieced together the whole clip anyway. And it goes pretty much like this, I reckon:

A warty dragon shows up to terrorize a talent show in Everinghamshire, England. At first the villagers don't understand the dragon, and fear its loathsome warts and fire-ugly breath. But then, just like in all fairy tales, something magical happens: the dragon shows its true heart, and the villagers, represented by the burghermeister, come to realize that they, in fact, were the loathsome warts and they possessed the fire-ugly breath all along. They all become chummy good friends, and the dragon goes on to sign guest appearances for shows like Oprah, the good witch of the east, who coincidentally, without her makeup, makes the dragon look positively darling. Everyone lives happily ever after: Oprah's ratings have gone up slightly, a month later a terrifying pirate who masturbates parrots becomes the village's next thing to be afraid of, and the original dragon goes back to being pointed at and feared by those people in her neighbourhood who don't have access to YouTube.

Is that about right?

Boobies, Vaginas, Mmmm. Gorgeous. Very Gorgeous

2009-04-17T16:28:00.000-03:00

So, here's a video a guy was compelled to put up on YouTube. It's him professing his heterosexuality. I am assuming that pretty much every word he says is a lie. To himself, firstly, and then to us.

There are some amazing moments in this video. From the knick-knack filled background, to the odd animal on the front of his rainbow-like sweater, to the bizarre logic and halted sentence-structure.
On top of all these moments, though, is deep, deep sadness.
I keep envisioning the awfulness of this guy's life: people picking on him, probably; fights with his family, no doubt; and lots of nights of crying by himself, I imagine.

That said, I admit I did laugh a few times. The moment, about 7 or so minutes in, when he tries to convince us that's he's imagining ladies boobies and vaginas is awesomely fascinating.
Mostly, though, it's a sad guy living a sad lie of a life in a sad situation.
What were the circumstances that compelled him to make this and post it?

For Sale - Antique Pump Organ and stool

2009-04-17T07:54:00.000-03:00

This pump organ has been in my mother's family for a couple generations. She says it's over 100 years old.

It's a great looking pump organ. It does play, not well. Takes a lot of pumping in order to make sounds. It would need some work on the bellows, I think, in order for it to be a properly functioning pump organ.

It also comes with stool.

We want to sell it. If you're interested, you can drop by and see it, and make an offer.

for more details, contact me at sendit2me@gmail.com

Rob's American Idol Top 8 Review

2009-04-08T11:18:00.000-03:00

Theme: Sing a song from the year you were born.

Is there hope for the fake judges? All three of the Bantam League judges upped their games considerably this week, and actually offered some good, smart, constructive criticism and advice. Randy didn't say "for me for you", not even once. Kara didn't get petulent and smarmy and try to offer up suggestions of what should have been sung, and only mentioned "artistry" maybe once. Paula even had some smart moments of elucidation. And to top it all off, Simon actually gave a standing ovation.

On to the performers:

Danny Gokey sang "Stand By Me". I had no idea Danny was 48 years old. Because, um, the song was written in, like, 1961. Oh, I see, you cheated the rules by claiming to sing the version that was released in the year you were born, but didn't really follow the structure of that version. Huh. Anyway, I thought Danny was quintessential Danny. Great voice, good performance. A solid opening. I still think I'd hate to have Danny as a friend, though. I think he'd always be hitting you up for money, or showing up late, or frustrating you over all kinds of minor things. Just like John Pritchard.
I agreed 100% with Simon who said "good opening to the song, lazy middle part, and very good ending."

Kris Allen performed "All She Wants To Do Is Dance". This was a song I had happily forgotten about. Now it's back in my consciousness. So, yeah, thanks Kris, for that. I pretty much agreed with the judges who weren't feelin' it, dawg. Guitar work got in the way of the vocal work. And neither guitar nor vocal was good enough to be of note. Still, he's cute.

Lil Rounds imitated Tina Turner with "What's Love Got To Do With It". Basically, just a bad cabaret performance of someone trying to be Tina Turner, right down to the movements and vocal tricks. Not a good job. I'm surprised by the decline of Lil Rounds. I had thought she'd be a strong contender every week, but she seems to be getting less and less valid as a potential winner (well, potential second place, because Adam's going to win it, even if he doesn't win it). Judges are right: she's lost who she is, and now just wanders the stage trying to belt out power-notes. I find her personality off-putting, too, which doesn't help.

Anoop Desai crooned "True Colors". Anoop settles back into the ballady-emotional guy and does a great job. Weird apology he made regarding last week. I'm not really sure what that was about. Anyway, pretty strong performance from Anoop.

Scott MacIntyre sang "The Search Is Over". He got away from the piano, and stood behind a mic, just him and his guitar (and the band). His guitar playing was pretty bad. Ugly sounding chord strumming there. His vocals weren't much better. Lots of bad notes. At least he looked and sounded a bit more passionate than previous weeks. Still, a pretty rotten job, I thought. Scott said "I just wanted to show I was versatile before I leave the show". Scott, playing mediocre piano and bad guitar doesn't make you versatile.

Allison Iraheta sand "I Can't Make You Love Me". I swear that before the song was over, I said "I don't like her personality", and then Simon went on to talk about how her personality is keeping her from soaring to the top. She has a wonderful voice, and does a good job with this song, but there's just something I don't like about her personality. Not sure what it is.

Matt Giraud sang "Part Time Lovers". Another song I'd have preferred to kept forgotten. Matt does a pretty good JT version of this song. Much better than his performance last week. I think Matt might be the most marketable of all the remaining Idol contestants.

Adam Lambert did "Mad World". Another standout performance from Adam. While I still don't care for his screeching vocals (which he kept to a minimum here), I can't deny that the guy is leaps and bounds above all the others in terms of showmanship and talent. Honestly, in the past few weeks, his personality has been growing on me. I think I need another bit of big indulgence from him next week to put him in his place in my head. Why is he a guy I don't want to like?

Top 4 performers: Adam, Danny, Anoop, Matt

Bottom 2 performers: Scott, Lil

Scott should be leaving.

BK's Round Peg Into Spongebob's Square Hole??

2009-04-07T20:37:00.000-03:00

Wait, so the Burger King wants to fuck Spongebob Squarepants in the ass? Is that what this commercial is about?

We're Looking For A Lockschmidt

2009-04-02T20:40:00.000-03:00

First Borat, now Bruno.
Looks like it will be lots of fun.

If Our Bodies Were Full Of Acid, We'd All Dissolve

2009-04-01T15:03:00.000-03:00

This is pretty entertaining:
(From Boing Boing)

Dramatic readings of message-board posts about atheism from Christian fundamentalist message boards.
I love the conveyance of smiling smugness from the guy in the sweater and blue shirt.
And the guy in the hat does a wonderful job of committing to the conviction of what he's saying.
The guy with the facial hair has blind ignorant unapologetic uncaring faith down cold.

Rob's American Idol Final 9 Review

2009-04-01T09:53:00.000-03:00

This week's "theme" was, as far as I can tell, "songs that have notes and words". Or, songs available on iTunes. Well, officially, it was "popular downloads" on iTunes, but they never stipulated the rules for what "popular" means, so really it could have been anything.

I was hoping one of the contestants would pick a Chimp song, because, you know, Chimp's Thundercrack! CD is available on iTunes. Go seek it out. You'll love it. Alas, nobody sang any Chimp.

Paula looked awful last night. That dress made her hips look huge. Just sayin'.

Anoop started it off by singing Usher's "Caught Up". I don't know this song, and Anoop's version of it did very little for me. The 3 fake judges gave their usual blah-blah critiques, and Simon said it gave him a headache. I find that hard to believe, Simon. And if it's true, you should get that ailment checked out by a doctor. I'd suggest the doctor who prescribes Paula whatever pills she's always obviously on. I used to like Anoop, but lately he doesn't seem to know who he is. And his rebuttals of the judges opinions last night didn't become him.

By the way, I officially *hate* Kara. She has no sense of humour. And if I hear her say "instead of the song you sang, you should have sung {whatever song} or {another whatever song}." That's her thing: telling the contestants that they need to invent a time machine to go back in time and pick a different song. Also, Kara, stop fighting with people. Last night she got into an argument with some guy in the audience who yelled (i forget the exact phrase, but its meaning was "you always say the same boring thing, you're boring") something. The altercation ended with Kara whining to him "I'd like to see you get up here and do this" or something to that effect. If he was replacing you, Kara, then so would I. So would I.

Megan sang Bob Marley/Lauren Hill's "Turn Your Lights Down Low". Another song I wasn't very familar with. The chorus rang a bell. I want to like Megan, but I can't. I've given up on her and want her gone. Her problem is that she doesn't believe in what she's singing. It's like she's apologizing as she sings. No confidence in, and not enough control of, her voice. The judges all disliked her performance. Me too.

Danny sang "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts. I don't know this song at all, but Danny did a good job with it, I guess. He seemed to find the emotion within it, and sang well. I was expecting someone to comment on how the lyrics could have been applied to his dead wife, except instead of the "you left me" lyrics, she died. I'm glad nobody brought that up. A good performance.

Allison sang No Doubt's "Don't Speak". I didn't like this as much as the judges did. Although I wasn't as bothered by her outfit as the judges were. I didn't think her guitar playing added anything to the performance, and after she abandoned playing it, the guitar was an albatross around her neck. i found that she kind of shouted many of her notes, was rushing through the song, and basically wasn't present enough in her performance. Not bad, but not great. Paula tried to be cool by mentioning Allison's axe. Paula failed in her attempt to be cool.

Scott sang "Don't Go Changing" by Billy Joel. This was the song that proved to me that the contestants could pick any song they wanted. This was Scott's best performance to date, but it still felt empty and bland. Also, I'm sick of cut away shots to his ugly sister. What? She's ugly. Oh, so what. She's practically blind, it's not like she's going to read this. And if someone reads it to her, then that's their fault not mine. I'm just sayin' it like I see it. Scott's sister is ugly. Also, Scott can not look contemporay or cool while he has that curly Art Garfunkel hair. There is no way to make Scott look cool. Also, his piano playing is unspectacular. Paula gets into some catch-22 sentence about how when he sings she forgets about his blindness, but she'd need to be cognizant of his blindness in order to forget about it. Besides, why do they keep insinuating that it's wonderful what he's doing even though he's blind. It's not like he's the first blind person to sing and play the piano.

Matt sang The Fray's "You Found Me", another song I wasn't that familiar with. I liked it more than the judges did, but I'm not listening to him with the "can we make millions of dollars off this person" ears that the judges hear with. Not one of Matt's best nights, wonder if he's in trouble after last week's surprise "bottom three" selection.

Lil sang "I surrender" by Celine Dion. I did not like this song or performance. Lil looked a million years old, and her dress reminded my of Fat Aretha Franklin, what with emphasizing the big butt and ample bosoms, but not in a sexy way, but a fat way. Lil looked really weird as she sang, too, kinda like a hungry baby bird. The judges mostly liked it, but Simon was on my page by saying it was like a wedding performance. Then there was the weird thing where Ryan asked Lil's kids if they wanted to punch Randy. What? The? Fuck? Was? That? Seriously. What was that all about?

Adam sang "Play That Funky Music". It cannot be argued that he has an amazing voice, of which he has incredible control, and that he's got great stage presence, can play the crowd, and presents inventive versions of the songs he sings. However, I find the guy too show-offy. Yep. Too show-offy. Last night seemed to be pretty much a "watch this, everyone. Isn't it great!!" performance. Not as good as the judges creamed their jeans over. And Paula, everyone in the world recognizes that you had that little "Mick Jagger, Steven Tyler, and Adam Lambert" speech prepared and memorized. Boo on you for doing that.

Kris Allen sang "Ain't No Sunshine", and it was the performance of the night. Very good, and the first time, for me, that Kris seemed to own the stage. Our little boy is growing up!

Best of the night, in order: Kris, Danny, Adam, Allison...

My least favourites: Megan, Anoop, Lil.

I'd like to see Scott, Megan and Anoop in the bottom three, with Scott going home. That won't happen though. I expect Matt, Megan or Anoop will leave the show (but be on the summer tour!!)

Whatevs.

My Desire, Brought To Horrible Fruition

2009-03-31T14:18:00.000-03:00

Those who know me may know about my stated desire to assemble a choir of humans to perform a song, some song, using only our voices to imitate all the sounds and instrumentation. I've posted here before some attempts that came close to what I wanted to achieve.

But this video shows pretty much exactly what I was after, sonically speaking. Yet, after watching the video, I now see the errors of my desire.

To be fair, I think if these people didn't look like such outright knobs, the results might be much more pleasing.
As it is, though, their outfits diminish any pleasant feelings I could possibly muster. Seriously, what's with the head gear?

Oh well, I still have my "Tinkering on My Hog" sketch to dream about.

American Idol - Top Ten Review (is what I'm saying)

2009-03-26T11:47:00.000-03:00

Motown night.
All the niggaz in da house say "Yeah!"

So, yeah, it was Motown night, and Smokey Robinson was the mentor. Smokey seems like a nice guy (on camera), but didn't really seem to offer any musical insight for the competitors during the "sing for the mentor" clips, unless "it was perfect, don't change a thing" can be called musical insight. (Hint: it can't).
Here'a question: Why, when introduced, do Randy and Kara enter stage right, and Paula and Simon enter stage left, when they have to criss-cross each other to get to their seats? It seems to cause them much confusion and bumping-into-each-other, and waste's time.
But wasting time is what this show excels at.

Onto the performances:
Matt "I Love You Man" Giraurd, (he looks like the guy from "I Love You, Man" is what I'm saying, not that I love him) sang "Let's Get It On". Him at a piano. Singing quite nicely. Then he gets up from the piano, and the quality of the song goes down hill. Moving around seemed to cause him a lapse in focus. So did the "bending down and touching the hands of the girls while I sing" move, which I"ve grown to despise from everyone who does it. Concentrate on singing the friggin' song, not on laying your healing hand on the masses. Matt did a pretty good job, after all was sung and done. I agree with the judges who consider him a front runner.

Kris "Queer As Folk" Allen (he looks like Hal Sparks is what I'm saying, not that he's gay) sang "How Sweet It Is". A pretty good job, him and his guitar, but really a rather unremarkable performance. That's what he is good at: unremarkable performances, and that should take him to Top 6 or there-abouts.

Scott "Pink Eye" McIntyre (he's blind and he wore pink pants is what I'm saying) sang "You Can't Hurry Love". I did not enjoy this performance. This guy's got to get out of his head and sing from the heart. Isn't that what I said last week? Do I need to type it in braile? Jeez! Come on! This might sound mean, because he's blind, but I don't like looking at his dead eyes as they flutter about the room, trying to find purchase on anything. I'd be happy to see Scott leave tonight, but he won't.

And who gave Paula the idea for the joke where she goes under the table because she wants to give Simon something, but it wasn't a blowjob even though we were all thinking blowjob, and comes up with crayons and colouring books. Yeah, Simon is childish. But if you'd friggin' listen to him instead of villifying every truthful thing he says, you'd be a much better judge, Paula. Jeez! Come on!

Megan "what the fuck" Joy (she's such a what the fuck performer is what I'm saying) sang "For Once In My Life". It was awful. Her problem is threefold: 1) she's got an interesting voice that always sounds good in the more-intimiate rehearsal clips, but doesn't transfer well to the big auditorium and with a full band situation; 2) she doesn't trust herself enough to commit fully to what she's doing; and 3) beauty will only get her so far.

Anoop "suddenly he's boring" Desai (he used to be fun and cool and now he's much less fun and less cool is what I'm saying) sang "Oooh Baby Baby". It was good and all, but a little on-the-nose in terms of interpretation.

Michael "happy to have been in the Top Ten" Sarver (he basically admitted he no longer belongs in the competition is what I'm saying) sang "Ain't Too Proud To Beg". He yelled it, more like. What was missing from his performance was the passion behind what the lyrics imply (just like Smokey tried to tell him). He smiley-smiled his way through it and it was not pleasant. He should be going home tonight.

Lil "you can't hear me because I'm yelling" Rounds (she yelled the song instead of singing it is what I'm saying) sang "Heat Wave". Like the judges said, she has a great voice, but with this song she had no way to show it off. She came off as being too screamy. Two not-great performances in a row. Lil is becoming Lil'ler in my estimation.

Adam "I can be human too" Lambert (he showed that he was more than just the look and style that he's branded himself as is what I'm saying) sang "tracks of my tears". Really great. I was disappointed because I've chosen Adam to be my villain this year. The judges love him, he has an undeniably impressive voice. What I detest, though, is his look and his propensity to screech the higher/bigger notes instead of singing them. But oh what screeching! Anyway, tonight he brought out a new look, great suit, hair pompadoured nicely, and kept the song well toned down and gentle. It was great. Too bad, because I was hoping to pull out the new phrase I may have coined to describe Adam: He's an emo donna. You know, a prima donna, but emo. Emo Donna... By far the best performance of the night.

Danny Gokey Jr. (he looks like Robert Downey jr. is what i'm saying) sang "get ready". A pretty good performance, but very much typical of what we come to expect from Danny. Is his high quality consistency starting to become boring? Maybe.

Allison "I sucked my thumb until two years ago" Iraheta (her mouth is shaped liked a thumb-suckers mouth, and she's so young is what I'm saying) sang "papa was a rolling stone". The judges went gaga over this but I was less impressed. A good performance but kind of stumbly in places, and I found it didn't really flow together all that well. I think the judges were pimping her because they really want her to stick around as long as she can so the show doesn't end up to be just a dick-wagging experience.

Adam was best by far. Followed by Anoop, Danny, Matt and Allison.

I expect Michael will be leaving tonight, but won't be surprised if Scott or Megan get the boot instead.

When The Zombies Come

2009-03-26T06:30:00.000-03:00

When the zombies came for the slow and stupid,
I remained silent;
I was not slow and stupid.

Then the zombies ate up the brains of the horny college kids out for a weekend of camping,
I remained silent;
I was not a horny college kid out for a weekend of camping.

Then the zombies came for the homeless,
I did not fight back;
I was not homeless.

Then they came for my neighbours,
I did not fight back;
I was not my neighbour.

When the zombies came for me,
there was no one left to fight back for me and the zombies ate my brains.
Now I am a zombie.

Wind In The Willows Can Kiss Cat Shit One's Ass!

2009-03-25T09:32:00.000-03:00

Yes, it's called Cat Shit One, and it looks awesomely effed up!
Oh, those Japanese.

Today's Plinky Prompt: Your 5 Item Bucket List

2009-03-23T06:47:00.000-03:00

Every day, Plinky emails me a topic for discussion, in order to increase blog entries. Today the question is "what 5 things do you want to do before you die. Fill out your bucket list".
So that's what I'm doing today.

Get a Passport and use it
We need to start traveling. Of course, debt is, and has been, keeping that from happening. But someday the debt will be gone, and then the traveling will start.

Do that One-Man Show
Oh yeah, then the real bucks will be flowing in. No more of this sharing the box office 6 ways crap. When I do put on my one-man show, someone will have to talk me out of performing the "Tinkering With My Hog" sketch. Because I'll fight like hell to have it in my show.

Buy a new guitar
I'd like a new guitar. One that would compel me to write more songs and actually perform them somewhere, in public. Yeah, so either "buy a new guitar", or I'd accept "be given a new guitar by some benevolent arts benefactor".

Write a kid's book
I'd like to write some fun, cool book that kids and adults would like, but mostly kids. And adults. I think I have some sort of series of kid's stories in me.

Touch a dolphin, and an elephant
This is pretty self-explanatory, right?

Moe Gorman - Pat O'Connor Owes Me Fifty Bucks

2009-03-18T17:29:00.000-03:00

Here's a new video for a new song from my friend Moe Gorman.

Rob's American Idol Top 11 Review

2009-03-18T12:21:00.000-03:00

Country night is always an "ugh" for me. I like country music, but only the more-acoustic heartfealt singer-songwriter kind of country music. The crap they play on the radio does very little for me. Unfortunately, those are the kinds of songs these AI performers tend to choose.

Last night's performances almost entirely were 'ugh'. Tough night to watch. Here's how it went down.

Micheal Sarver went first and sang some kind of upbeat rockin' country song, the kind of country song I don't enjoy. Kind of like Elvis Costello's "Pump It Up" without any of the passion. No, wait, that'd be Billy Joel's "I Didn't Start The Fire". Last night's song was like an inferior countrified version of Billy Joel's song. How did he do? Well, when one of the positive comments from the judges is "wow, you remembered a lot of words", it doesn't bode well. I thought it was a stumbly, kind of lazy performance, even though it was "high energy". In general, he performed without confidence, and it showed.

Allison Iraheta sang some song and, like last week, made it sound like Heart. I don't like Heart. I don't heart Heart. She sang well enough, but her personality is starting to bug me more every time I see her. Last week, Kara told someone they could sing the phone book. This week she told Allison she could sing the alphabet. Next week, mark my words, she'll tell someone they can sing a song. Whatever.

Kris Allen sang some kind of ballad. He got rid of the guitar, which is a good thing, and just sat on a stool and belted it out. A pretty good performance of an unremarkable song.

Lil Rounds sang a song I was aware of, Independence Day. I don't like the song. I didn't really care for Lil's rendition of it. I don't care. What I do care about is Simon refusing to believe that Lil's name could be short for Lilly, instead of short for Little, which is what he ignorantly calls her again and again. Also, Lil, shut up and take your You Didn't Do As Well As You Should Have medicine from the judges.

Adam Lambert sang Ring Of Fire. I HATED it. My wife said she hoped one of the judges would call it out for being self-indulgent and sure enough, our boy Simon said it was "absolute indulgent rubbish". Perfect! Yay Simon!! Really, I don't like what Adam is all about. Yes, he has a crazy-flexible voice, but he's such a product. UGH.

Scott MacIntyre sang some song at the piano. I was in the kitchen making toast and peanut butter, but what I heard sounded boring and dull. I think Scott's problem is he's too in-his-head with his songs and has to find a way to get what's in-his-heart out. I can't believe I just wrote that sentence. I think Scott's blindness is wearing out it's charm. He needs to kick it up a few notches next week. Funny, two weeks ago, Paula and the rest of the judges said they couldn't wait to hear Scott sing when he got to accompany himself on the piano. That's when his true talent would take off. This week, Paula says Scott's using the piano as a crutch. Paula is stoopid.

Alexis Grace sang Dolly Parton's Jolene. It was okay. She seemed to get bored of it half way through. I hate the way the judges pidgeon-hole Alexis as the dirty girl. As much as she's good at those down and dirty kinds of songs, it made me sad to hear her plead that if she's still around next week, she'll make sure to be really dirty.

Danny Gokey sang "Jesus Take the Wheel". What a stupid song. I hate treacly inspiration songs like this. First of all, I hate the premise. Jesus shouldn't take the wheel. If anything, Jesus should give you the strength to be able to take the wheel yourself. Danny's performance was okay. Started out weak and got better when the song itself got more charged. But what a rotten song. ugh.

Anoop Desai sang "Always On My Mind". According to the judges, he blew it out of the ballpark. While it was definitely his best performance so far, and maybe the best so far of the night, it wasn't as good as they insisted it was. They do that a lot, these judges (except Simon, who shows great restraint usually). Good job, Anoop. Saved yourself. Jesus Take The Vocal Chords. Just don't forget to have fun up there on that stage, buddy, okay?

Megan Joy sang "Walkin' After Midnight". When they showed the clip of her practicing it in front of guest star Randy Travis, this song sounded great. I was expecting it to be a super-quirky version. The reality of it is, though, that it was another Nervous Megan performance. Not nearly as good as the Travis clip showed it could be. But still much better than recent performances. She's got an unusual aura about her, this Megan. I like her, but fear her quirkiness will be her downfall. Dammit, the very thing that makes her great will be the thing that destroys her!

Matt Giraud sang some ballady type song at the piano. My appreciation of Matt's talents have grown immeasurably over the past two weeks. I thought he was the best of the bunch this week. He's a rising star, Ed McMahon!

Best of the night: Matt followed by Anoop.

In danger: Michael sang first and wasn't very good. Never good. He's in danger. Scott should be too, but his blindness may get him another week yet. Megan, while doing a good job, will always be in danger, I fear. But the judges reminding us, over and over and over that she is sick this week should get her enough pity votes to keep her around.

Free-Range Chickens will make you laugh.

2009-03-18T06:35:00.000-03:00

Kind of absurd, short, funny stories and observations. by Simon Rich, who is, the book jacket tells us, a writer for Saturday Night Live. But don't hold that against him.

Moe Gorman: 10 Items Or Less

2009-03-12T20:56:00.000-03:00

My friend Moe Gorman was on Ocean 100 last Monday, singing a new song. Here's a video that Moe made for the song.

We Don't Like You, And We Don't Like You Either

2009-03-12T13:29:00.000-03:00

An American Idol post.

So, Jasmine (is that her name?) and Jorge are booted. No big loss. He was my least favourite male performer and she was pretty to look at, but not ready for the competition.

The big revelation of the night was the new rule: This season, the judges will have one, and only one, chance to nullify the vote of the Idiotic Masses of America. If, some night this season, the fans vote out someone the judges unanimously (ie., if Simon thinks so) think shouldn't be voted out, that person gets a stay of execution and nobody is voted out that week. The next week, two people will be voted out (the two lowest vote-getters of that week).

I guess that's an okay rule. But what it does, everyone discovered last night, is that it causes the person getting the vote to be humiliated twice.

Humilation #1:
Ryan: And the person going home is... Lowest Votegetter! So sorry.

then, humiliation #2:
Ryan: Well, judges, are you going to use your veto power and keep Lowest Votegetter in the competition for at least one more week?

Judges: No. You're not worth saving.

Stab, and then STAB. That's harsh.

Rob's American Idol Recap - The Final 13

2009-03-11T09:33:00.000-03:00

Let's see how far I get in reviewing the show this season. Such a long season. And last night was such a long show, despite a pile of pretty competent singers. Here goes:

Quote of the night:
Simon (to the blind guy): It's okay to be artistic. Just not on this show.

That is perfect.

It was Michael Jackson night. I never knew there were so many MJ songs I didn't know. Most of the contestants played it smart and didn't try to tackle any of the Super-Size MJ hits.

Lil Rounds, "The Way You Make Me Feel": Lil has a great voice, super stage presence, a big booty and bouncy chest skins and seems totally in control of what she's presenting. She's the entire package, as they say. Her performance was competent but not spectacular.

Scott, the Blind Guy, "Keep the Faith": Seated at the piano is his comfort zone. Too bad his vocals weren't the best. Not terrible, just not all that great. But he's blind, and inspiring (so Kara keeps reminding us), so no worries. And I'll keep calling him the blind guy until they stop making his blindness his main identifier.

Danny Downey Jr., "PYT": When I see him, I see Robert Downey Jr., and that works in Danny's favour. Like the rest of the world, I really like Danny. Simon nailed it when he said it was a fantastic vocal, but the physicality of Danny was all over the place. But it didn't matter, because the guy oozes passion and honesty. I feel sad for the day (it may be coming sooner than I like) when I've had enough of his personality.

Michael "the Labourer" Sarver, "You Are Not Alone": He works on an oil rig, you know. He, too, showed a lot of passion, and a surprisingly strong vocal. But he seemed to be trying to hard to express that passion. I fear he's too forgettable a lovable bear. Nice guy, good voice, but not remarkable enough to make it all the way.

Jasmine Murray, "I'll Be There": I'm having a Dickens of a time trying to remember who this person is, and how she performed. Just to be clear, that's not a good sign.

Kris "CutiePie" Allen, "Remember the Time": I didn't like this very much. The guitar playing seemed to get in the way of the singing. Like Simon said, it's a song that isn't built for guitar accompaniment. Apparently the young girls (and by that I mean Paula) find him cute, though, so he'll likely be around for a while.

Allison "forever pegged to be this year's Rocker Chick" Iraheta, "Give Into Me": She's a great singer, but I fear her ADD mouth is going to get her into trouble before the season is out. Just Learn To Shut It, Allison. Don't speak, just sing.

Anoop "Slumdog Idol" Desai, "Beat It": I'm rooting for Anoop. He seems like a fun, hiddenly-hip kind of preppy kid. But bad, bad song choice. He's the only one on the night to take on one of Michael's untouchable songs. In fact, this might be the only untouchable MJ song. I was going to say Billie Jean, but I think you could at least take Billie Jean in a different way (making it a slower, acoustic type of deal), but Beat It is hard to alter. The vocal isn't one to showcase a voice, as it's almost a talk-sing kind of six or seven note range. Anoop didn't do himself any favours. I hope his personality keeps him around beyond this week. I'm fearful though.

Jorge "I Don't Need No Steenking Judges" Nunez, "Never Can Say Goodbye": My least favourite performance of the night. Boring and old.

Megan Joy, "Rockin' Robin": I was dumb-founded by this song choice. It's such a generic old-time rock song. Still, there were moments where Megan was able to bring more to it and made it (for moments at least) almost unique and interesting. While she's certainly nice to look at, I found it hard to watch Megan perform this because she seemed somehow at odds with it. At times she looked like she was lost, other times like she knew it was a big mistake to pick this song. And her physicality was pretty iffy, like a baby pony just learning to walk, at times. She's got a very interesting sound and look to her, though, and I hope she makes it through. Such an odd song choice, though, so I don't know.

Adam Lambert, "Black or White": Here's what I don't like about Adam Lambert: His look seems too carefully crafted. He's a cross between Axl Rose, Robert Smith of The Cure, and a Jonas Brother. Ugh. No doubt about it, the boy can sing (although I don't like the way it sounds like he's screeching at times, a la Axl), and yes, he owns the stage. But, I don't know, he's just too... bred to be an idol.

Matt "How I Met Your Idol" Giraud, "Human Nature": He reminds me of Jason Segal from HIMYM. I was really pleasantly surprised by his performance. I thought it was pretty good. Enough for me to switch from "who is this guy?" to "hope I see more of this guy".

Alexis "Is This Show Still On?" Grace, "Dirty Diana": It seemed like everyone, Alexis included, just wanted the show to be over. She did a pretty good job on this, but had the misfortune of going last and getting the judges "we were told we need to be brief" comments. Plus she had the misfortune of being forced to go with the non-sequential telephone/text number. Hope those things don't screw her in the voting, because I like seeing and hearing her.

My favourite of the night was Danny Downey Jr.
Least favourite was Jorge.

I expect that the show-altering twist will be that the bottom-three will be announced, and then the judges decide which one goes home. Or, in the case of tonight, which two go home.

Really, it could be anyone going home, other than Lil, Danny and Adam. Because, like Simon said, it's not so much about the artistry, this show. It's more about popularity. And who knows who The Idiotic Masses of America are sweet on with this group.

Darlene the Coat-Hanger Lady

2009-03-10T16:00:00.000-03:00

There's a collection of 3 foamy snowmen displayed in the Confederation Court Mall in Charlottetown.
It was pointed out to me yesterday that one of them looks eerily like Darlene, the Coat Hanger Lady.
Today I took my camera to work to snap a picture at lunch.
Here it is.

and from a bit farther away:

A Kindergartner's Bucket List

2009-03-06T10:51:00.000-04:00

Image via Wikipedia

Just as our lunch ended today, DaveS and I were contemplating what items would be on a kindergartner's Bucket List. You know, ~~that shitty movie~~ the list a person makes of things they'd like to do before they kick the bucket.

So, if you went to a kindergarten and asked the kids there to each name, say, five things they'd want to do before they die, what do you think would show up on the lists?

I find it hilarious to think of a bunch of five-year old kids having to contemplate the concept of death.

My kindergartner's Bucket List:

1) have a turtle as a pet
2) MORE ICE CREAM!!!
3) marry my kindergarten teacher
4) watch Tippy and Binoo all day along
5) catch and eat a tiger

What items do you think a kindergartner's bucket list would have?

2 Stinkng Cinematical Turds

2009-03-02T08:38:00.000-04:00

I watched a couple of movies over the weekend.

First up was Wanted.

You know, that movie ~~about the bullets that can bend around a slab of pork~~ about people who can shoot bullets so they bend around a slab of pork. It was awful. Just preposterous as all get out. Now, I can suspend my disbelief with the best of them, but <spoiler> that scene where the train falls down the chasm was ridiculous. Almost as foolish as the bullet Angelina Jolie uses to kill about 6 people. She shoots it in a long, wide circle around a room. It goes through 5 or 6 people's heads before winding up in her own brain. That is some magic bullet.

The plot was idiotic, too. Am I wrong, but could the whole thing have been resolved with a phone call?
<spoiler>
- Hello?
- Hi, I'm the assasin who you're trying to kill. They told you I killed your father, but get this, Luke: I am your father.
- Seriously?
- Seriously. So, don't try and kill me okay. I think Hoke has been driving you towards a false conclusion. See, he's the bad guy.
- Really, Morgan Freeman is the bad guy? But he always plays good guys. Wow, what a surprise! He and his posse went through all the trouble of training me in 6 weeks to be the best assasin ever, explicitly so that I would kill you, because they knew you would never kill your own son who you abandoned when I was just 7 days old. I get it! Hey, thanks for the heads up... Dad.
- No probs.

Shitty movie.

The other crappy movie I watched was Zack & Miri Make A Porno.

I had some hope for this movie, but it ended up being shit as well. There were a couple of funny scenes, but for the most part it got really boring really quickly. It was like a script that Judd Apatow would poop out of his bum. But it was Kevin Smith, right? The performances were all pretty good, but god that dialogue was painful to listen to. Isn't that kind of the opposite of typical Kevin Smith movies?
Am I wrong or could the whole thing have been resolved by a phone call?
<spoiler>
- Hello?
- Hey Rob, don't watch this movie. You won't like it.
- Who is this please?
- Doesn't matter.
- Okay. Hey, thanks for the heads up... Dad.
- No probs.

"Don't Close My School" Long-dead Student Pleads

2009-02-25T14:02:00.000-04:00

Tuesday night, parents with children at urban schools threatened with closure had their turn to speak as PEI's Eastern School District continued consultations on a plan to close 11 schools.
Next week, it will be the deceased parents of long-dead students who will get a chance to speak their minds regarding the debate over closing smaller schools across the island.
"I'm going to go right up to the magic voice-amplification stick," says Sarah McGuigan, dead, who went to the Heatherdale school from 1888-1892, "and I'm going to tell them how important it is to keep Heatherdale school open. What do you expect us to do, go to the big two-room school-house in Kinross?"
When told that Heatherdale school has been closed for decades, McGuigan replied, "I'm sorry, I don't hear so good. My ears are dead too. Could you repeat that?"

15 Profound Albums

2009-02-25T12:07:00.000-04:00

"Think of 15 albums that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life or the way you looked at it. They sucked you in and took you over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the albums that you can use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the albums that no matter what they were thought of musically shaped your world. When you finish, tag 15 others, including me. Make sure you copy and paste this part so they know the drill. Get the idea now? Good. Tag, you're it!"

I got tagged by Dave Stewart, who got picked by Michelle McCallum.

Here's mine, then, in a rough cronological order. Also, inexplicably, some must-haves, like Prince and The Police, are not in the list:

The Beatles - 1962-1965 & 1967-1970
I got into music because John Lennon died. I listened to music before that, but it was more or less just background noise; not integral to who I was, or who I'd become. After Lennon died, that all changed. My mom bought me Double Fantasy soon after he died, and that album led me directly to The Beatles. I bought the two double-album compilations, known as The Red Album and The Blue Album. But for the longest time, I only had the Red Album, which featured their earlier songs (which is probably why I am drawn to their early stuff). I remember driving home from a skiing trip to Campbellton with my best friend Paul and his older brother David. I Wanna Hold Your Hand came on the radio and I expressed my appreciation for the song. David dismissed it as fluff pop (and dismissed The Beatles in general) and I argued strongly against his position. It was the first time I had ever put forth MY opinion on music. My love and appreciation of The Beatles continues to this day, and I unwaveringly call them my favourite band. Sorry David, but you were wrong.

Tom Waits - Asylum Years
I think Tom Waits was my first personal-discovery artist. I heard The Piano Has Been Drinkiing on CBC Radio at my friend Wade's house. I remember the moment as if it was today. It was like nothing I had heard before, and I loved it. I soon ran out (probably to Sam's on the corner of Kent and University) and bought The Asylum Years, a Waits compilation double album, which had the song on it. I instantly fell in love with Tom Waits' music, and played the LPs forever. I remember telling my friend Colin Kennefic (whose musical tastes I respected) about this new-to-me artist, and he scoffed at it. I was a bit hurt and more surprised that he would so easily dismiss Tom Waits, without even hearing him. Turns out he thought I was talking about John Waite's ("Missing You"). Granted, if I was talking about Waite, I would have deserved the scorn. Once Colin heard Tom Waits, he too was smitten.

The Clash - The Clash
I discovered 70's punk just after 70's punk was dead. When I heard this album, my first punk experience I think, I knew it would be important to me. Despite being a good boy, I knew I had a bit of that anti-establishment attitude buried deep within me, and was glad to let a bit of it sneak out into the world. I absorbed as much punk as Sam The Record Man could deliver to me. This album, because it was my first punk album, is the one I consider the most important to me. I am not one to label people as "hero" or "genius", but Joe Strummer is right there at the top of the list of people I don't know who have had a big impact on my life. One of his last songs, Coma Girl, is one of my favourite songs. I miss him

My Aim Is True - Elvis Costello
Wow. What an album! Short songs. Powerful songs. Personal songs. Punk, but like it was written by a poet. An angry poet. A short review, in honour of the songs on the album.

Hank Williams - 20 Greatest Hits
It seems compilation albums are the way I discover new music. It had a bright yellow cover with black and white photos of this old-timey guy. His voice sounded like he was 80 years old, but he was only young. He sang about hardships and heartaches, and apparently he had plenty of that. He got kicked off the Grand Ole Opry, so he had some of that punk attitude too. Awesome songs. Who cares that they were "country", because it turns out, just like Marie, I was a little bit country. Turns out, my father was a fan of Hank too, and we bonded a bit over our mutual admiration. Hank let me feel cool about liking country music. But only "good" country music. Bad country music is the worst music ever. Worse than Hammond Organ music.

R.E.M. - Reckoning
My friend Nick Grant turned me onto these guys. I can still remember the exact intersection (corner of Prince and Fitzroy, turning left onto Fitzroy) the car was when the first song came through the cassette deck. It was such a bright musical moment for me. Back in the early 80's, their jingle, jangle rural rock sound was pretty unique and exciting, compared to the rest of the stuff being released, so that was very appealing. So was the voice of the lead singer, and the fact that you couldn't really make out the words he was singing, but you figured it had to be profound. This was, at the time, the one band, more than any other, that I hoped and prayed would never "sell out", would never become mass-popular. Oh well.

Violent Femmes - Violent Femmes
I immediately fell in love with this album. Acoustic music? Stand up bass? Bare to the bone production? And that trembling voice. These songs sounded so honest to me. To hell with you, Duran Duran, I just found the sound I was born to love. I got kicked out of CIMN (UPEI's radio station) for playing the Violent Femmes. I played a song in which they swore the eff word. See, the thing is, it was my first day as DJ, and nobody was there to teach me how to work the panel. Turns out I didn't turn on my mic to speak, so what people heard was a song... then silence as I spoke in the studio, thinking the mic was on... then another song... etc. Once I found that out, I got mad and played the Violent Femmes. "Why can't I get just one fuck?" Someone heard it, complained, and I was kicked out of the radio group the next day. It was a proud moment.

They Might Be Giants - They Might Be Giants
The trick to appreciating TMBG albums, according to me: Listen to the new album you just bought. Totally hate it. Come back to it in a month or two and you'll discover you have to play it over and over and over again because you totally love it. These guys create wonderfully weird songs, each seemingly a different genre or style from the previous. I appreciate that they are funny and entertaining and seemingly nonsensical while still being excellent musicians.

Soundtrack to "Grease"
For months after I saw the movie, my friend Wade and I choreographed our own routines to the album in his bedroom/den. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

Loudon Wainwright III - Career Moves
I love Loudon Wainwright III. Love, love, love. I love the way he can have you laughing with one line in a song, and then on the verge of tears with the very next line in the same song. Great writer and performer. This album is a live concert recording of many of his bigger songs. He is what I would like to be if I was ever to be a professional musician. Except I'd rather not be such a shit to my family as he seems to be in his songs.

The Beat - I Just Can't Help It & The Specials - Specials
I don't know which album had more of an impact on me so I'm listing both as one. I discovered both at almost exactly the same time. British 80's Ska had a profound impact on me. Not so much politically, but oh man was it fun to dance to. Ska from later periods seems to be so much less fun than the music from this era. Remember when that band (was it The Hopping Penguins?) came to The Barn and they played a bunch of cool ska songs? Mirror in the Bathroom never fails to make me happy. Therefore I will say The Beat is the winner between the two.

George Jone - Anniversary: Ten Years of Hits
Sinatra called George Jones America's second best singer. Holy smokes can this guy turn a phrase. So many phenomenal songs on this compilation album. I remember the exact moment, the exact location, the exact sights and smells the first time I heard "He Stopped Loving Her Today". I totally got sucked into that song: I felt so bad that he spent so much of his life missing the woman; so happy that he was finally able not to cry over her; then having that bomb dropped on me that he wasn't crying anymore, that he was all dressed up to go away because <spoiler> he. was. dead. Seriously, go listen to some George Jones. Awesome.

XTC - English Settlement
By far the best relatively unknown (to North Americans) band ever. I am amazed that these guys never got big here. Seriously crazy-good pop songs. Is "Senses Working Overtime" the best pop song ever...?

Pixies - Doolittle
...No, it might not be the best pop song ever. I think that might have to be "Debaser". Seque to: I love The Pixies! Dave Stewart got me into this music, bless his soul.

Stompin' Tom Connors - Bud the Spud
I'm a bit embarrassed to admit how much of an impact Stompin' Tom has had on me. Other than local bands, he's the only musician I've seen in concert more than once. Last time I saw him, I cried a few times. I cry for his sincerity, his honesty, his patriotism. He's another one of those people who aren't punk but who have that attitude. I think Dennis Trainor would make a kick-ass Stompin' Tom.

My New Band - Burlington GO Station

2009-02-21T07:42:00.000-04:00

Here's a new meme (new to me, anyway) that's kinda fun: Wikipedia Names Your Band
Go to the Wikipedia main page and click Random article. That first random page's title is the name of your band.
Next, go to this random quotes page. The last few words of the last quote on the page is the title of your album.
Finally, go to Flickr's Interesting photos of the past 7 days page. The third photo on that page is your album cover.

Here's my results (I tweaked the photo using Piknik:
Band name: Burlington GO Station
Album name: When Thy Power Can But Whisper
(I think my band is an acoustic politico-folk trio. I don't like my band.)

Peter Peter Breaks Hearts

2009-02-16T19:35:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone (maybe the "every" is superfluous since there's, like, probably only one person who still reads this), how's about doing Sketch22 a solid and going to SuperU and voting for Peter Peter as your favourite video in the "Broken Hearted" contest.

This sentence is the link to where you can see, and vote for, our video.

and this sentence is the link to the contest page in general.

I think number of views and/or ratings has a bearing on a video's chances of winning. Prize is $2500, so that's sweet.

Much appreciated. I haven't looked at any of the competition yet, but Peter Peter is the best. Yes it is. Look deep into my eyes and listen to my font. Peter Peter is the best. Go and vote for it now.

If you have to register or some nonsense, in order to vote, then I understand you not doing that. But if voting is as easy as clicking on a button, then, you know: Sketch22 solid.

The Annekenstein Monster Oscar Pool

2009-02-15T18:58:00.000-04:00

Hey, want to enter The Annekenstein Monster Oscar Pool?

It's easy! Just click anywhere in this sentence.

Whomever gets the most picks right will win silent applause and one (1) public notice on this blog. Gotta admit, that's a pretty sweet prize!

This Plus This Equals This

2009-02-12T12:16:00.000-04:00

This:

Plus This:

Equals this:

Kittens Inspired by David After Dentist.

This makes me laugh too hard. I'm not sure why, but it seems to improve so much on both originals.

Kitticisms

2009-02-12T08:39:00.000-04:00

Image via Wikipedia

A couple of years ago, Dave S and I came upon the brilliant idea of publishing a book we'd call "Kitticisms". It would contain photos of kittens in various situations, with intentionally not-funny thought-balloons showing what they're thinking. You know: Kitticisms!
A fantastic idea, we thought, easy to do and sure to make us millionaires. This was maybe six months before "I can has a cheeseburger?" and LOLCats exploded onto the world.
Like all our ideas, though, we did nothing with it, and then it was too late, because we couldn't/didn't want to compete with LOLcats.

And now, this video has trumped all of us all, because it is the best kitten themed thing ever.

kittens inspired by kittens

as an added bonus, i will post a photo that some web-program named Zemanta has deemed relevant to the words I've typed in this post. That's it up there, the picture of the cheeseburger. That's a good looking cheeseburger.

Dear Penthouse Letters: I Got The Shaft

2009-02-06T08:52:00.000-04:00

Dear Penthouse Letters,
I never thought I'd ever be writing to you, but after what happened to me recently, I just had to share the experience.
I am a young, attractive, male premier of a small Canadian province. At a recent premier's conference, I became attracted to the demeanor of a brash, outspoken fellow-premier. After seeing his passion in action, I knew he was a "have" that this "have-not" politician just had to get to know better.
Anyway, without getting into too much detail, I ended up in bed with this person and he got on top and gave me the shaft.
I was not surprised, because my uncle always used to tell me when "two men get into bed together, one is going to get the shaft". You may think it's a grotesque scene, as my uncle does, but that is your hangup. I saw it as a mutual exploration; two grown men stroking each other's caucus.

I just hope he calls me for a second date.

Sincerely,
Red In The Tie, But Not In The Face

Daisies Of The Galaxy

2009-02-01T06:12:00.000-04:00

Some work pretty well. Others, not so much.
And, no, I'm not tagging any one else.

INSTRUCTIONS:

- Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.

- For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

- YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS. DON'T LIE.

- Tag 10 friends (make me #11 so I can see your results). or however many you want...

- Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.

- Have Fun!

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?

Keep Loving Me (The Draytones)

2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?

Comfortably Numb (Dar Williams cover of Pink Floyd)

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?

String of Pearls (Glen Miller)

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?

Dream a Little Dream of Me (Mamas & Papas)

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?

Hurt (Johnny Cash)

6. WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?

Bennie & the Jets (Elton John)

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?

Hallelujah (Jeff Buckley)

8. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?

Sucks To Be You (Prozzack)

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?

Nothing's Gonna Change My Clothes (They Might Be Giants)

10. WHAT IS 2 + 2?

Pebble Beach (Vince Guaraldi Trio)

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?

The Call It Love (Bettye LaVette)

12. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?

Tryin' My Best (Jenny Lewis)

13. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

Littlest Thing (Lily Allen)

14. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

P.S. I Love You (The Beatles)

15. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?

Not Big (Lily Allen)

16. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?

Miner's Refrain (Gillian Welch)

17. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?

Mr. Grieves (The Pixies)

18. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?

Buddy Holly (Little Pictures - Weezer Cover)

19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?

Letter To Mom - Iris Dement

20. WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?

Silver - The Pixies

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?

Big Girls Don't Cry - Edith Massey

22. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?

Daisies of the Galaxy - Eels

Recruiting Men To Nursing Remains A Challenge

2009-01-30T13:12:00.000-04:00

I didn't read the CBC New Story, but my guess would be it's because most men don't like the taste of warm milk.

PEI Ranks Lowest For Premature Births

2009-01-30T12:44:00.000-04:00

The main reason, according to a CIHI (Canadian Institute for Health Information) report, is that, "historically, because of the long waits at Island hospitals for any kind of service, pregnant Island women have become socio-geograpically predisposed to keeping their clams shut tight until the very last second."

see the full story here.

In a related report, also from the CIHI, PEI ranks equal with the rest of the Canadian provinces for immature births. "It's an interesting statistic," says Eloise Placente, an analytical manager with CIHI. "Every province in Canada reports an almost 100% rate of immature births. Practically every baby born in Canada seems to be childish and immature."

It should be noted that Placente is not married.

Boo! When You Poo

2009-01-30T08:27:00.000-04:00

It used to be that when I'd go to the public men's room on the floor where I work in the ATC, it was practically guaranteed that there'd be someone else, usually more than one, in there already. If not, then rest assured at least one person would come in before I'd leave.
What I'm saying is: it used to be a busy bathroom. Too busy for the two toilets, one urinal and two sinks found therein.
But not so much anymore. I guess it's a sign of the economic down-turn, or a dis-satisfaction with renting at the ATC, but fewer clients in the building means fewer people in the bathroom.

So much so that now sometimes when I go into the bathroom, the lights are off. I assume they're on a timer, and when it was busy, the timer never got to activate.

Sometimes when I go into that dark bathroom, I've thought that it would be a neat prank to go into the bathroom, go into one of the stalls, stay there, motionless, until the lights went out. Then, when someone came in, activating the lights to go on, he'd think he was alone. Then, you know, you'd start making noises or something to surprise or scare him.

Yeah, I agree: "neat prank" is far too generous a classification. Unless your definition of "neat" is akin to "lame".

The real joke would be for you to go to the trouble of going in, sitting there as still as you need to be, lights go out, and then nobody comes in for the rest of the day. Now, that's comedy!

Home Sweet Jesus 7 Million Dollar Home

2009-01-22T11:18:00.000-04:00

Is this the most expensive home ever listed on PEI? 7.75 million dollars.

Located at Cable Head, PEI

More images can be found here and here. Maybe the same images for both links?

I'd live in it. Although it does seem a bit sprawling in its design. And I think some landscaping around the home would really add a lot to the overall ambience.

The Humans Are Live - Flight of The Conchords Live

2009-01-21T16:05:00.000-04:00

Here's a video of Flight of the Conchords playing at a record store in April. Lots of fun.
Question: how long before David Bowie performs "Bowie" with FotC?

Even Fisting? Really?

2009-01-21T14:03:00.000-04:00

Michelle and Barack enjoy fisting? Really? Apparently so, according to at least one sexpert.

Too bad the Inauguration Marching Band refused Barack's request to have "76 Rusty Trombones" played during the parade.

NFB = Good

2009-01-21T13:26:00.000-04:00

The NFB is offering over 700 videos to stream on the internet at NFB.ca
Very nice.

I could have selected "Log Drivers Waltz" but I assume everyone would link to that.

Here's a video I'd seen countless mornings on CBC-TV between episodes of The Friendly Giant, Mr. Dressup and Sesame Street.

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Hitler's Mom Speaks Out

2009-01-21T12:23:00.000-04:00

That title isn't mine. It's the title used by, I assume, the news org that posted the video. But I think that title is the best I've seen so far this century. "Hitler's Mom Speaks Out"

Here's the news story, about a mom who just wants her children back. See, they were taken from her because Child Services think the childrens' lives are at risk. Because, you see, the childrens' names are Adolf Hitler, Himmler and Aryannation. And, you see, the husband's swastika tattoo isn't rascist. Rather, he sees it as art.

And, see, the logical argument the aunt uses regarding Barack Hussein Obama's middle name is spot-on. Except, you know, it's not.

Battlestar Galactica - holy shit!

2009-01-17T08:09:00.000-04:00

What a fantastic episode! Holy shit!!

If you're a BSG fan, and you've seen the latest episode, Season 4 Episode 13 "Sometimes a Great Notion", then do yourself a favour and read the following article. It's got all kinds of inside info. Really good.

Sometimes a Great Notion

Buy Chimp: Thundercrack! at Amazon

2009-01-16T08:46:00.000-04:00

If it's for sale at Amazon.com, it must be real!!

Check it out!

Just 8.99 and you can own the complete album. What a deal!

Chimp: Thundercrack! Is Up At lala

2009-01-08T07:30:00.000-04:00

Chimp's CD Thundercrack is slowly making its way around the internet. CDBaby sent it out to various online retailers, and I just noticed it's shown up at a site called lala. Not sure what lala is. But Chimp is available there.

According to the lala stats, last week Chimp ranked 70,082nd. This week's rank, 31,806. We're movin' on up! With a grand total of zero listens to the Chimp songs available there. Zero listens! Sweet!! Of course, it looks like we're sharing that stat with another band called Chimp.

And check out the accurate Chimp bio. It starts with "Pan troglodytes..." I'm not sure, but I think they may be insulting us.

Edit: Also available at Tradebit.

Ein Zwein Die

2009-01-02T12:23:00.000-04:00

In the PS3 Call of Duty game that my son is all into right now, there's a level you unlock after reaching certain goals: it allows you the chance to fight German soldiers who happen to be zombies. I gotta admit, it's pretty fun to shoot Nazi zombies. Cameron very much enjoys it.

So, when I showed him the trailer for Dead Snow, a Norwegian film where Nazi zombies attack a group of students on a snow trip, he was pretty excited.
Looks like it could be all kinds of fun.

Here's a photo of Colonel Herzog, the leader of the Nazi zombies.

Shadow Art

2008-12-29T15:21:00.000-04:00

This is pretty cool. Kind of like a hip Mumenschantz. But not really, at all.
Watch to the end and be amazed at the size of these people.

A Slow News Day Compass?

2008-12-29T15:10:00.000-04:00

Tonight on CBC-TV's Compass, the provincial supper-time news hour program:

Top story:
- a house explosion in Summerside, drug cops are part of the investigation.

Other stories:
- a small igloo a man (or two men) built in his (their) yard melted due to warm temperatures.
- a recap of the up-and-down temperatures we've been having the past couple of weeks. It was reported, however, that January is usually a colder month.
- a school class (or was it a kindergarten class) had a tour of a heritage home.
- the not-from-here weatherman kept pronouncing Souris as Soor-iss. My question is: how many phone calls or complaints will the CBC get because of that?

compass, pei, news, Summerside, CBC

It's An Abridged Wonderful Life

2008-12-24T06:34:00.000-04:00

For those of you who don't have time to watch the whole thing, here's an abridged version of the holiday classic. This edit is based on the Sketch22 stage version of the movie that we did in our first two Sketch22 Christmas shows.

Happy holidays!

In The End

2008-12-23T10:51:00.000-04:00

Summer Heights High

2008-12-19T11:56:00.000-04:00

Because I promised Dave I would.

I've been enjoying watching Summer Heights High on HBO Canada. It's a fake documentary series following three people through a term at an Australian public school, Summer Heights High.

The three people we follow are all played by the same actor. He's quite fantastic.

I assume, based on the often-overlapping dialogue that it is somewhat improvised. It's really quite well done, and I implore you all to check it out. Implore.

Here's a clip of Mr. G, the gay power-tripping, self-involved drama teacher:

Here's a clip of Ja'mie, a private-school girl who was chosen as a one-term exchange student to Summer Heights:

And here's my favourite character, Jonah, who is all kinds of trouble:

And The Name of His Father... Darth Vader Montoya

2008-12-19T11:34:00.000-04:00

Despite Best Intentions, I Did Laugh

2008-12-19T08:27:00.000-04:00

Dan James at CEO Blues posted this and claimed "if this doesn't make you laugh you need a new brain."

Usually, on such "this will make you laugh" challenges, I do refrain from laughter. I guess I have a "so you think YOU know what's funny? I'll see about that" attitude going into these things and passively try not to laugh.

But with this video, I did laugh. I held out for maybe five seconds before the happy feelings took me over. Not big guffaws, granted, but a definite smile with an audible pleasant utterage.

I mean, seriously, it's a chimp on a segway. And he's motoring. And Dan's right: you need the sound on to truly appreciate it.

Buffalo Times Eight

2008-12-17T11:06:00.000-04:00

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

This sentence above is a gramtically correct sentence. I find that fascinating.

If you can't figure it out without help (like I couldn't), this will help you:

Bison from Buffalo, New York, who are intimidated by other bison in
their community also happen to intimidate other bison in their
community.

A Question That's Never Been Asked

2008-12-17T10:51:00.000-04:00

Yeah, the universe is infinite and all that, and multiple realities where everyone one can think, say or do has already been thought, said or done, an infinite number of times.

Still, can you come up with a question that's likely never been asked before, using words that actually exist, and that more or less makes sense, gramatically?

I've been sitting here thinking, and I'm drawing a blank.

How about:

Where were you in the year 2078, at 17 seconds past the time that the lynx ate the Hoover Dam employee?

Prove me wrong. Or come up with your own.

Ode To Joy: Beaker-Style

2008-12-16T16:34:00.000-04:00

Because it's one of my wife's favourite songs. That is, one of the songs my wife enjoys the most, not the favourite song of one of my wives. 'Cause, I only have one wife, and if I had more than one, I would have written 'one of my wives' favourite songs'.

Chimp: Thundercrack! is For Sale!

2008-12-04T19:18:00.000-04:00

Check out the link to the right. You can buy our Chimp album at CDBaby! Just $12.00 to have it shipped right to your home. Or you can buy it in mp3 format for just $9.99.

Make Santa's job easy. Pick up Chimp: Thundercrack!

Testing Testing Is This Thing On?

2008-11-28T13:17:00.000-04:00

I came across this Odiogo thing that allows you to turn your blog posts into podcasts, or into audio which you can download, listen to, or whatever. I thought I'd try it out.

I'm posting the opening monologue from last summer's Castrato sketch from Sketch 22. I want to see if it does justice to the text. Heck, this could revolutionize the way we perform our sketches!!

Have a listen to this.

IL Castrato, Scene 1.

Lights up.

A dressing room, such as in any theater anywhere.

Il Castrato sits at the dressing table. He addresses the audience.

Castrato:
Alas, my friends, attend this tale of woe.
For I, gelded on fame's throne lately sat
For tunes warbl'd, am falsetto castrat.
Cel'brated by all, like angel's rejoice
Melodies sung on high in pure of voice.
A pre-pubescent stunt, doctor performed:
My testicles chopp'd when not yet tenor
Left me permanently baritone deaf!
Now, my talents unequall'd, fame unmatch'd
Where 'ere I arrive, E! News is dispatch'd.
Fame, wealth, power. Invites to parties all.
Would give't all up just once to rub my balls.

How Many Carrots?

2008-11-28T08:04:00.000-04:00

Here's a new game on The Annekenstein Monster: How Many Carrots?

For our inaugural gameplay, the question is:

How many carrots can Julia Roberts stuff in her mouth at the same time?

Answers to choose from:

1) 1

2) 2 or less

3) 3 or more

4) when you say "carrots" do you really mean something else?

Tune in tomorrow for the correct answer!

Sad Jon

2008-11-28T07:53:00.000-04:00

This may be the saddest garfield minus garfield strip ever:

Lady Bird MacDonald

2008-11-25T12:21:00.000-04:00

Google Images is now hosting ~~thousands~~ 10 million! Time-Life photos.

I thought I'd take a browse through images from 1965, the year I was born. When I came across this one of Lady Bird Johnson...

... I was reminded of this one from my family collection...

Transgender Remembrance Day

2008-11-20T11:58:00.000-04:00

Did you know that today is Transgender Remembrance Day?

Me neither.

Lest We Forget.

I hate movie scenes like this...

2008-11-20T07:53:00.000-04:00

I was watching a not very good movie last night. The second Nicolas Cage Treasure Hunter movie, whatever it's called.

The following would be considered a spoiler, if you haven't seen the movie yet.

At one point Nic kidnaps the POTUS. Nobody really knows it was Nic who's kidnapped him.
Another character, a high-ranking FBI guy (played by Harvey Keitel) who is kind of keeping tabs on Nic's actions, gets a phone call to inform him of this information. This is how the scene is played:

Harvey, getting out of an FBI vehicle, gets a phone call.

Harvey (answers): Hello?

There is silence as the other end talks. We assume he is being told "The President has been kidnapped!"

Harvey: He was what?

Shorter silence as we assume the other end says "He was kidnapped!"

Without saying another word, Harvey hangs up the phone. He thinks about it for a second, then realizes who is behind it, and says:

Harvey: Nic's character's name!!

I really hate scenes like this. If you were a high-ranking FBI agent and you just got a phone call that said "The President of the United States has just been kidnapped!", would you hang up before you asked a few "who, when, where" type questions? You probably would.

But this guy gets the phone call, makes no comment to the guy who phoned him, and hangs up.

I hate movie scenes like this.

Chimp - The Living End - Music Video

2008-11-13T16:53:00.000-04:00

So, Dave Stewart and I formed a band a decade or so ago. The band is called Chimp. Way back then, we recorded a baker's dozen of original songs. We recorded them in my living room, using a 4-track cassette recorder we rented from Toomb's Music for a week. We also rented a microphone and stand and, I think, a guitar pedal. Dave played bass (mostly) and I played guitar (mostly). We didn't have a drummer. We used pre-recorded drumbeats from my cheap Casio keyboard.
After the week was up, we still had a bit of work to do, so we borrowed a 4-track cassette recorder from Wayne Dunsford.
So, in two weeks or so, we recorded these songs, as best we could, and mixed them down to cassette. We dubbed the cassette a few times and handed them out to friends.
And that was that.
Then, last spring, we decided we'd try and find the original 4-track cassette, digitize them and try and clean them up as best we could with an audio program on my computer. The cassette was found in a shoebox in a closet in my house, and over the next couple of months we cleaned them up, removing hiss, remixing, restructuring (in a limited way) the songs as we saw fit. We got Jason Rogerson to come on board as a fresh set of ears and together, the three of us remixed 12 of the songs. We also recorded a few new vocal bits at Moses Media and inserted them in a couple of songs.
So, after all that, we had 12 songs we thought were pretty rocking, in a lo-fi way. We decided we'd put them on a CD, get a small number made and throw them out to the world. We called the CD Thundercrack! as an homage to this movie.
At that point, the idea of a CD release party came up, and it was decided that Baba's would be a great place to have it. Not having played the songs in about a decade, and not having any rocking equipment to play on, we came up with the idea that it would be cool if other local bands played cover versions of our songs at the CD release. So, we got a few bands/people to play some of our songs at the CD release.
It's this Saturday night at 9 at Babas. Musicians performing include John Connolly, Jason and the Forget-Me-Nots (the aforementioned Jason Rogerson and a compilation of his musical associates), The Love Junkies, Pat Deighan & the Orb Weavers, Lennie MacPherson, Riley's Lane (a ladies celtic group) and String Theory.
A couple of months ago on the PEI Locals music webforum I solicited any/all bands the invitation to join the evening and play a song or two. From that solicitation, the band String Theory bravely stepped forward and offered to play a song, song-unheard. I can't wait to hear their cover of Killer Bees. String Theory will also be playing at Babas later Saturday night, after the CD release wraps up.
Wade Lynch was also going to perform a song, but had to cancel due to a conflicting schedule. I'll miss hearing his interpretation of Boy Likes Girl.

So, that's the story of Chimp.
A couple of weeks ago, we thought "wouldn't it be cool to have a video for a couple of the songs?" Not really wanting to invest time and energy into shooting new footage, we thought it would be fun to create a video using pre-existing film we had. That is how the video for "The Living End" (below) came about.
Dave and I have known each other for over 20 years. I met my wife through my friendship with Dave, or I met Dave through my friendship with my wife. I can't quite remember.
Anyway, just before Dave and I became friends, Dave shot an 8mm film called "Goodbye, Columbia" starring his friends. Shortly after we became friends he shot another 8mm film called "Attack of the Angry Moon Cats", starring his friends, which now included me.
A few years later, Dave and I wrote and made a short-film called "Florid", starring our friends.
We took a key scene from Florid, and some of the "actiony" parts from Goodbye Columbia and Attack, and threw them all together to create this video. It's supposed to be the end-credits of a movie called The Living End, but I don't know how well that concept plays out.
Anyway, lots of interesting images, a couple of shots of a younger Dave and younger Rob, and some brief clips of Charlottetown landmarks that no longer exist.

Here, then, is the world premiere of the music video for The Living End by Chimp.

Now, Where Did I Put That Dance Belt?

2008-11-07T11:54:00.000-04:00

According to yesterday's CBC News article about the upcoming summer season of the Charlottetown Festival:

Sketch-22 heads for the Big Dance
Local comedy troupe Sketch-22 has been picked up by the festival. The group will perform at the Mack Theatre.
"This is awesome we're so excited, we put so much work into this
show for five years, I think this is sort of a sign to us our hard work
is paying off," said founding member Andrew Sprague.
"This validates Sketch-22, and because of this we promise to make much less fun of the Confederation Centre of the Arts."
Sketch-22 is well known for its sometimes crude spoofs of Island life.

The Big Dance? Anyway, I was just impressed in the size of the font we received compared to any of the other performances mentioned.

And, while we (Sketch22) have been assaulted in the past by critical reviews from Guardian and CBC commenters, I have a feeling we've just entered into a whole new realm and level of attack. To wit:

In the comments to the above-linked article, WILMOTDAVE had this to say about the news:

Sketch 22?
Wow how new and innovative to justify poor comedy at the expense of the rest of us.
One day Obama which was for change and now going backward to a cesspool of asinine and weak comedy.

With that Obama mention, is he insinuating that our comedy is akin to the Presidency of George Bush? If so: Ouch!

Still, I am inclined to have "cesspool of asinine and weak comedy" added to any future PR for our group.

Let the backlash continue!!

Chimp - Thundercrack! - November 15

2008-11-06T15:12:00.000-04:00

Wait for it!!

Rob's All-Voice Cover Song Idea

2008-11-01T06:29:00.000-03:00

So, for a long, long, time, I've had this idea where I get a big group of people together, a choir, and we dissect a song and each of us in the choir take one dissection of that song and interpret it using only our mouths. So, one person (or more, depending on difficulty) would make the bass guitar sounds, some more would "sing" the percussion sounds, others would sing the guitar sounds, etc.
I've had a desire to do this for a long time, as I've said. I thought it would be challenging and original. As recently as last week, I was thinking about what song would be a good one to do.

But now, this morning, my desire to do it has disappeared because, this morning, I saw this video. And now that it's done, I don't have to do think about it any more.

Pipe Wrench Fight!

2008-10-07T14:50:00.000-03:00

This might be the best thing ever:

A version of A-Ha's "Take On Me", but with lyrics that fit the action on screen.